A Space Between the Clouds

Somewhere, inside your pulsating, glowing soul there is a chasm of space dedicated to a very particular shine of harmonic convergence. This coming together of energies, as opposite as they may seem, are actually one in the same. Like yin and yang, you must accept all the darkness with light and the light with the darkness: balance within your soul will fill you up and love for your true self, like the meniscus of a chalice, will begin to flow over abundantly.

T. Stone

I remember when I started smoking and told myself, "It's not a big deal. I can stop or quit whenever I want." My first cigarette was at the age of 19. I'm now 31 and as an always recovering addict from nicotine, cocaine and alcohol (now 11 months sober at the time of this writing) I often recall the moment I decided to quell the storm of addictions within me. It was as simple as a choice. Do I continue to wake up every morning feeling like absolute trash, a failure, regretful that I ever made the choice to start smoking, doing drugs or drinking in the first place? Or do I take responsibility for myself and finally face that preverbally monster in the mirror, confront him and then tell him rightfully to fuck off? It seems pretty clear cut doesn't it? Well, it most certainly wasn't. Battling addiction of any kind is a roller coaster of emotions and daily moments of anxiety coupled with an unseeable end to it all; day in and day out, on repeat until you seem to be losing your damn mind. If you're reading this and have experience with addiction, you'll understand that an addict will do everything they can to get their fix. Warranted, the addictions I speak of don't normally require one of normal means to lie, cheat and steal as other substances have a much more addictive power within them. Regardless, the cyclical motion of an addicts life doesn't change... until a choice is made or change is attempted.

It was May 13/2021; my last cigarette. Before this I would have at the minimum, two packs of 20s on me, just to make sure I would never run out. At that time, packs were running for roughly fifteen dollars so my pockets, besides money in them, also held an investment that was killing me slowly for 11 years. I recall the final drag of that last cigarette. The air entered my mouth; hot and heavy in carcinogens. As I filled the chamber of my mouth with smoke, I prepared to inhale it into my lungs. Leading up to this moment I had been attempting to quit smoking for about a month, so I can honestly say I was fairly primed and ready to put down the pack and lighter forever. However, this was my 9th attempt to kick the habit. I remember inhaling the grey and dense burnings of tobacco into my lungs for the last time and it hurt me... It had felt like the smoke had wrapped itself around my esophagus and held tight. Like it was trying to kill me, as if it had obsessively been waiting for this very moment to finally have it's last laugh. A sense of it almost saying, "If I can't have you, no one will..." It literally felt like I was being choked from the inside of my throat. I clenched my face in disgust as I gasped for air, quickly extinguishing the cigarette before handing the remainder of my pack to friend, encouraging them that I was done and that they could have the rest of the pack.

I was done. Finally. I stopped smoking. I made a choice to stop and I did. I promised myself I would and I was finally ready to keep that promise. Fuck yea. Eff you, Nicotine! Suck my butt ya dumb-dumb! I hate you! I love me! Effin...cocaine...wait what? Why am I thinking of coke right now. Beer. Wait no, I don't want a beer... What the hell is happening?!

I kicked one habit to be faced with an immediate threat from it's sisters whom lived within my addictive mind. You might be thinking, "Great another long lead-up story to him kicking these habit now!" No, I assure you. I'll tell you what I did in one sentence.

Right then, right there, I stared at that dark part of my soul and simply heard a voice that told me, "It's already done. Yes, you're done. You're done with this."

That was it. I've never touched a bottle or baggie since. Alcohol and drugs had now been quelled too.

I was free. Free to breathe. Free to laugh; something smoking stole from me for so long. Free to relax and forget about the anxiety that these addictions always generously shared with me. I broke the chains of my addiction easier then I thought I would but... It wasn't without help.

After a while, we start really believing these things are true. People who have had self-defeating behaviors for a long time, such as people who have been overweight since they were children or people with longtime addictions, actually believe there is no other alternative.

Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

The soul is real. I assure you, your soul or some form of your soul, truly exists within each and everyone of us. One of my spiritual mentors, Wayne Dyer, believed that we were created from a higher, cosmic presence. That our consciousness must have derived from somewhere out in the universe and that, that origin of self-consciousness must be where this well of spirit is from. Having said that, I adopted the idea that Wayne would reiterate time and time again that the "source" of my being was all knowing in the ways of creation. That if my source could be omnipotent, then I too must originate from some form of cosmic-godly vibration guiding me toward other cosmic-godly vibrations that were only going to strengthen my source (or soul). This source is your true self or your higher being.

When I first became aware of my source, it was the scariest damn thing I've ever experienced and I've done acid that would melt your face off your skull... for real, no jokes, it was completely jarring. Just like the Big-Bang, I felt my soul ignite! A swirling of emotion, logic, faith and consciousness began to form this green hue of bright, brilliant light within me, making it's presence absolute and unignorable. The more I focused on this green light the brighter it became. Then it dawned on me; this bright, beautiful, warm, inviting, happy, tingly, soft and love-infused green energy was my true self, my higher being. I was in love, finally, with myself because I could finally see myself and he is magnificent. "Okay Tony! So how did this help you kick your addictions?!" Right, let me conclude...

Imagine being in a relationship with a carbon copy of yourself. He or She or They look like you, talk like and move like you but they aren't you. This version of yourself is an extremely toxic individual. They gaslight you, break you down, they say things like, "You sure you want another slice of pizza?" or "I don't think you should wear that?" or "No one cares what you think so just keep it to yourself." This version of yourself is your ego. Everything about you that isn't you. It's all the doubt, shame, pain and regret you've ever felt or experienced your entire life. All the times you've said something you never meant or acted in a way that contradicted the true you, you knew was inside. Now concentrate on the complete opposite of this person. A person who looks like you, talks like you, moves like you and is you. A person who encourages love to grow within your heart, one whom shares instead of hordes in the forms of time, energy and love. Imagine yourself as the person who looks at you and smiles because they only see true beauty. They have a staring problem because this person, who is you, is obsessed with how beautiful, pure and real you are. They are your number one fan and they can't wait to see how much you do to share the light that they, themselves are obsessed with. This version of yourself is a version of your true self and when you wake up and realize that this person actually exists within you and they truly just want what's best for you, it gives you a chance to look at them and smile back. You smile because now you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

When I finally realized that I had all the support I was ever going to need with my higher being holding my hand, kicking my addictions became the easiest thing I ever did! I didn't do it alone and I'm still not doing it alone. This light inside me drives my passion to become a better, truer version of myself. A brighter more reliable man, brother, son, friend and lover. A man I can look forward to becoming and a person I can't wait to share with others. My addictions hold no power over me anymore and it's because my source called out from inside me and said, "It's already done. Yes, you're done. You're done with this."

Being free brings a lightness, a carefree surrender to all that is happening around you, and, above all, an acceptance of reality.

Deepak Chopra

Dear Reader,

If no one has told you today: I love you.

I love everything about you. I love what you have to say, I love the way you express yourself and I love the way you laugh. I love that you're here right now reading this and in turn showing me you love me too.

You deserve to be with your true self. To love yourself unconditionally because your being here is not a cosmic mistake. On the contrary, you are a cosmic blessing. A beam of brilliant, gorgeous light that needs to know how special it is. You are special. You are beautiful. You are cosmic-love wrapped in positivity, warmth, power and knowledge. You possess every ability to conquer your fears and welcome your dreams into reality because guess what...You are worthy of love.

Now go out into the world and show yourself how much you love yourself. Stand in front of that mirror and understand how much power you hold. You are the cosmic gift the universe intended to bring into this world. Now own up to it and LIVE!

Yours Truly and Forever,

Tony Stone