You Went Sober for 30 Days? Pt. 2

So what happened when I went 30 days into my 100 day sober challenge? Here’s part 1 if you missed it:

If you’ve followed my journey you’ll know that in this post I am continuing to share the revelations, realisations and difficulties of the challenge so far. I want to provide proof that what seemed impossible to me and might seem impossible to you, actually isn’t. So if you’ve been following along, I’m sure you’ll be keen to find out what happened on the night of the Jazz Club….

Day 17 — Jazz Club Night

So the first evening out with friends who would be drinking was here. A birthday celebration that had been planned prior to my decision to enter this challenge. A lot of advice says to avoid high temptation social engagements in the first 30 days, but I was confident in accepting this one. I knew I was in good, intelligent company with two friends who would of course want to enjoy themselves and be drinking but weren’t the kind to be wild or blackout. The birthday girl in question was someone I had happily hung out with sober previously and I knew I had her support.

Dinner first, Italian. I don’t know why this became a theme for the start of this challenge, perhaps a craving for carbs to compensate for a lack of alcohol calories. I order a limonata, the girls order a bottle of red. My heart is filled with longing and envy. There’s something very nostalgic about red wine, partly because the Birthday girl and I first bonded at University over many a bottle of the same.

I push through the feeling however, doing my best instead to focus on the food. I’ve been a bit basic and ordered a Carbonara. But I notice that without alcohol triggering me to eat what I can to soak it up, I am more aware of when I’m full and don’t overdo it, I can’t in fact finish it. I notice that it takes a bit more mental energy to be social and not to be self conscious, but as the meal goes on I relax. There is plenty to discuss and as dinner is completed, I consider the first hurdle conquered.

It feels like I’m in a video game with increasing levels of difficulty as the next stage is cocktails before the show.

The good thing about fancy restaurants, hotels or cocktail bars, is that nowadays they tend to have a good range of fun tasting mocktails. So you don’t feel different to the rest of the group, externally you’re the same, as opposed to awkardly clutching a boring glass of diet coke. This comes at a price though, almost as expensive as the alcoholic versions. This Mocktail is worth it though, refreshing and enjoyable. I take a moment to notice that I’m also enjoying the clearness of perception I’m having, not normally the case in the past.

Then onto the big boss, the Jazz club itself. This is a show with a bunch of talented artists covering a range of modern songs in a jazz style. I definitely think for the first month outings should be based on experiences and activities as opposed to just the drinking itself. On the note of avoiding high temptation in the first month, I said no to late night clubbing and dinner in the club itself for this very reason, too much too soon.

The performances are vibrant and brilliant. But I notice as I sip on my over priced mocktails, that I’m a lot more shy and that my social battery decreases more rapidly. I notice my ADHD symptoms flaring up. Without alcohol as a dopamine supply, I have to keep making a conscious effort to bring back my attention and focus. The performers try to get the audience involved and vibing but I’m far more self conscious and less wildly energetic. I’m discovering that the real me might be a bit more introverted than I realised.

Then it hits me. I reach a point of sensory overload. The constant flashing, coloured lights, loud music, people trying to interract. I rush to the fancy, quiet bathrooms and feel relief wash over me, to catch a breath. I was enjoying myself for sure, but as I return to my seat and the show draws to a close, I know I’ve hit my limit and fidget restlessly.

I join my friends for one last non alcoholic beer before going home. Their slight tipsiness is actually amusing and enjoyable, it doesn’t bother me at all. I head to my boyfriend’s house late but aware of my surroundings, confident in staying safe and of giving no bad impression to his parents.. I reflect on the train, as I’m surrounded by space eyed staggerers (without judgement for I have often been one of them), that whilst the evening might have flowed better with a drink, it was no less enjoyable than it would have been. The benefits outweighed anything I would have missed out on.

Day 20 — Living Up to Your Full Potential

Reading the incredible book I’ve already mentioned on “The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober”, I came across a very inspiring section. A selection of quotes from celebrities that had gone sober. This one from Bradley Cooper really spoke to me:

“I was so concerned what you thought of me, how I was coming across, how I would survive the day. I always felt like an outsider. I just lived in my head. I realized I wasn’t going to live up to my potential, and that scared the hell out of me.”

Not fulfilling my own potential is something that terrifies me. As you get older, time seems to pass by more quickly. The milestones you haven’t reached loom and cast shadows on you. I’m starting to think that temporary pleasures aren’t worth sacrificing your fullest potential for.

Even seemingly small things add up and creep up on you. Perhaps consistent casual drinking is not something I want in my life anymore.

Chasing Chaos

Another quote, this time from Daniel Radcliffe. Yes, Harry Potter:

“I just felt like I was chasing chaos and making my life difficult, all the time thinking I was having fun.”

This one hit me hard as well. Drinking when out. Drinking to have fun and go on adventures. I am learning that there is very much a difference between having a drink intentionally to enjoy it and using it to chase chaos. To escape the mundanity of every day life.

Day 21 — Reflecting on Emotions

Emotions are much easier to handle these days. They don’t seem to overwhelm as they did. I realise that that feeling of anxiety or impending doom I might have had at times might actually have been caused by the after effects of a mid-week, wine filled catch up or a ‘relaxing’ evening drink.

Day 26 — It’s Easier Not to Have the Option to Drink

It seems that not having the option to drink at all is easier than sticking to a certain amount or having the option open. Perhaps restricting the circumstances for having a drink is the best route of all.

Day 28 — Your Brain Might Think Alcohol is the Solution

Reading the book mentioned earlier is definitely helping me to stay motivated and understand exactly what’s going on in my brain. When you’re used to doing things a certain way, it builds specific neural pathways in your brain. If alcohol is seen as the ‘solution’ to any number of problems, stress, inability to relax, social anxiety, your brain will push you to seek out that specific source of dopamine and that “solution”. It works not on logic or reasoning but on whatever habit has been formed.

The trick is realising that this is your brain’s adaptation. A shortcut so to speak. There will be a voice and an urge in an environment where you might be expected to drink. You can’t get rid of this voice, that’s not in your control, especially if drinking has been part of your life for years. But, you don’t in fact have to listen to it. Realising this is the key to maintaining that control. This may also be why not drinking at all is easier than moderation. After that first drink, that neural pathway is lit up and gets louder as inhibitions are lowered.

Day 29 — A Small Win But a Huge Leap

Tonight a solid win to celebrate and build on. It seems insignificant, but as we now know, it’s important to count small wins. For my Jiu Jitsu club girls social, I was asked to do the very task I dread most. One that requires decision making, executive function and organisation. To book a restaurant for 7 girls on the Saturday within 5 minutes of being asked on a Friday evening. For someone with my brain, to have completed this task with relative ease, was a MASSIVE win. This task didn’t overwhelm me. I am beginning to feel, dare I say it, capable.

Day 30 — You Don’t Have to Be the Last One Standing

The day of the social and the 30th day. I engage in conversation and do not struggle to make it flow. I no longer fear pauses or stumbles but accept them as being natural. I like feeling more confident about everything I’ve said, how I’ve behaved and presented myself. I am far less paranoid these days on social occasions. I can see that I am stepping into and discovering my authentic self. Calling it an early night after dinner, a part of me wonders if I’m missing out, another part of me is learning that it’s ok not to artificially control my social battery. It’s ok to rest. An evening out does not in fact need to be never ending and there is no prize for being the last one standing.

Making it to the end of the first 30 days has been an intriguing journey. I am definitely far stronger, more confident and comfortable with it than I was at the start and excited to see what revelations come next. The worst of it should, I hope be over. But only time will tell…

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I hope you're enjoying this series so far, any hearts appreciated if you did. I would love to hear your thoughts and what other topics you’d like to see me research or write about, so please don’t hesitate to leave a comment.

To see more of my self improvement content or to checkout the rest of my series early you can visit my medium account:

Stay tuned for my 60 day update!

Previous articles in this series:

• 100 Days Without Alcohol- Challenge Completed! Pt. 2
• 100 Days Without Alcohol- Challenge Completed! Pt. 1
• What Happened When I Went 60 Days Sober? — Pt.2 The Broken Heart
• What Happened When I Went 60 Days Sober? - Pt. 1
• You Went Sober for 30 Days? Pt. 1
• What I’ve Learned From Going 30 Days Sober
• Why Should You Be Sober Curious?
• Could Alcohol Be Making You Ugly?