Severe Anxiety Disorders

Anxiety disorders are frequently misunderstood. When you say "I have anxiety," you'll often be met with the response "everyone gets nervous sometimes!" However, nervousness and anxiety disorders are two very different things. Although everyone with an anxiety disorder experiences different symptoms, here's a small peek into how my anxiety disorder has affected my life throughout the years.

When I was a toddler, two customers came into one of my parent's workplaces. I had a small play area in the corner of their office. In that play area, I had a blanket. One of the customers started approaching me to say hi. I pulled the blanket over my head. I remember pulling the blanket tighter and tighter as they said "where's the little girl? Can I see the cute little girl? Can I say hi?" I panicked. I remember shaking underneath the blanket with my heart and my thoughts racing. I couldn't stop thinking "please leave, please leave, please leave!" I am sure that the woman was very sweet and simply liked kids, but I was terrified. This is the first panic attack that I remember having.

When I was four years old, my mom's cousin came over. I was afraid of her at first, even though I am pretty sure that I had met her before. Once I got more comfortable around her, I didn't want her to leave. My father was abusive and I never felt safe around anyone except for my mom, my sisters, and my grandmother. If I felt safe around someone, I became terrified that I would never see them again once they left. On the last day of preschool, I cried and held on to my teachers leg because I had started to feel safe around her. I never felt safe around the other kids, though - I once built a circle of blocks around myself and when that same teacher asked what I was doing I said that I was trying to keep the other kids away from me. I actually love people and enjoy being around people. I was simply afraid of them.

When I was eight, I started making myself throw up to deal with the anxiety. The anxiety made me feel like I was going to vomit, and once I got older, my panic attacks DID start making me involuntarily vomit sometimes - or just shake and cry on the floor uncontrollably, struggle to breathe, even pass out. I developed my bulimia at eight years old. After years of therapy and treatment as a teen and young adult, I have come to the conclusion that my anxiety disorder is the root cause of my eating disorder.

When I was eleven, things got better for a while. My mother and I left my abusive father and moved. I discovered rock music and started making friends. I've been singing and writing songs for most of my life. That year, I started performing in talent shows! To this day, the stage is one of the few places where I am comfortable. I did still have frequent panic attacks. What happens when I have a panic attack differs. Sometimes, my heart races and I cry uncontrollably. Sometimes, I feel like I cannot breathe. Sometimes, I become unable to move or speak. On rare occasion, I have passed out as a result of my panic attacks.

When I was fourteen, I fell into my first major depressive episode. I stayed indoors for three months, save for when I would secretly go for runs in the middle of the night. My mother tried to get me out of the house a few times during those three months, but it was very difficult. Once she tried to take me with her to see one of her friends. I couldn't even do that. When we got there, I sunk under the glove box of her car and cried. I could not go in. In addition to my anxiety disorder and eating disorder, I am diagnosed with a few other illnesses as well - one of which is body dysmorphic disorder. My body dysmorphic disorder severely affected my life during this time and contributed to my anxiety. I felt that I was too ugly to be seen, that I was not human. I felt that I was dirty no matter how often I showered. This was one of the most difficult years of my life.

Later that year, when my depressive episode was letting up and ending, I met my first serious significant other. I ignored him a lot when we first met through a mutual friend because, again, I was afraid of people until I got to know them. He became someone that I felt safe around once I did, but he was a bad person. He used drugs and partied a lot, so during that time, I experimented a lot. I will never condone trying the things that I tried. As the relationship progressed, he started asking me for money a lot. He made up reasons why he needed the money and essentially bullied me into giving it to him. He said that it was for his medication or that he needed it for work clothes for a job that he never got. Our relationship was off and on. I was very attached to him. When I was seventeen, I started treatment for my eating disorder and got on medication that reduced my panic attacks a lot. By the time that I was eighteen, I had started to clean up my act a lot. I stopped giving him money. He threatened to kill me. This was a very serious stressor for me, but I got through it.

In recent years, there have been a lot of ups and downs. I had a relapse with my eating disorder and I'm still working on beating it, but I'm not letting it beat me. Things got so bad about two years ago that I threw away all of my dishes and would only use disposable dishes because I felt that they were contaminated. I felt like I could never get them clean enough. Someone knocked on the door of my first apartment one day about two years ago as well. I hid in the bathroom and had an off-and-on panic attack for about three hours. Up until the past few weeks, I couldn't look cashiers in the eyes without crying and getting red in the face. I don't know why I can perform in front of big crowds but cannot answer the phone nine times out of ten. I am working with a great therapist and my symptoms are improving. I am strong. No matter what you are living with, I want to send this message to you - you are strong, too. You never know how much better things might be in even just a short year. Don't give up.