Sacred Ground

Cast of Characters

Me

Therapist (Also me)

Sleep (…Again me)

Act 1

Therapy Session 1: My inner 7-year-old and Sleep

THERAPIST

Why are you here today?

ME

I’m afraid of him. He lets monsters into my room. Shadows sprout up all around me and start shouting.

SLEEP

You drag me here and then are dishonest. She is a bed wetter. She’s afraid of me because she doesn’t want to pee the bed. Which is an issue I shouldn’t have to contend with.

THERAPIST

Maybe she wanted to bring that topic up herself. Respect each other. Speak on the individual issues that exist and then we can understand how those have made their way into your relationship.

ME

That’s not the only reason. I fear the dark. Every new thing that the day brings terrifies me. Nightmares are a constant.

SLEEP

I just don’t know what to do. She stays up way too late. Her mind decides the tragedies of the future before her eyes get heavy. This girl is a self-declared failure. She’s beating herself up with thoughts of loved ones who aren’t sick dying. The tears finally weigh her down and then she falls out.

THERAPIST

So how do we handle these problems?

ME

I mean, I’ve had 3-night lights. It is what it is. I hate sleep. I’m not going to talk about my spiraling negative thoughts because in the morning I am aware of how ridiculous and unhelpful they are.

Act 2

Therapy Session 2: My inner 14-year-old and Sleep

THERAPIST

Has there been any improvement?

ME

I love him. I take naps regularly. The darkness gives me a textured, layered type of comfort. Something just clicked. I guess since the migraines started the dark has become by friend.

SLEEP

She still wakes up a lot in the middle of the night though. She doesn’t even try to start resting until after 1 a.m. When morning interrupts us, she is like a wounded slug oozing her spunk. Remnants of her spirit can be found down Utica Ave, on the B6, and all over Midwood High School.

ME

That was incredibly dramatic. The least you could do is acknowledge the growth.

SLEEP

There have been improvements, but new problems have arisen. Your writing is a beautiful outlet, but you use it as an excuse to stay up late. When you get inspired, I get pushed aside and neglected until you flush out your epiphany.

THERAPIST

Are you happy with your relationship as it is today?

ME

No.

(Runs out of figurative office.)

Act 3

Therapy Session 3: My inner 21-year-old and Sleep

THERAPIST

Have you mended your relationship?

ME

Well, I went to a real therapist for 2 years. No offense.

THERAPIST

None taken. Was it helpful?

ME

So helpful. I understand a lot more about myself. My generalized anxiety pushed me to one side of a worn, springy bed with no covers, as he sat up watching me all night. The depression made me stay in bed hours into the daytime, which made me hate seeing the bed at night. I have so much stuff, literal and symbolic, and nowhere to put it. It makes me hate my space because I have no control over it. I live under clothes, papers, and stuffed animals.

ME, THERAPIST, AND SLEEP

I am tired.

The End

Sleep is something that we rely on to sustain our lives, as much as we do oxygen, food, and water. So much of the problems of the day careen into our nightly train of thoughts. While we mentally fight sleep, physically our bodies yearn for it. An internal explosive battlefield every night in the space that should be sacred ground.

My sleep resolution for years has been to make my sleeping space, sacred ground. Sleep and I have had a toxic relationship for as far back as the conception of my memory. I have gathered so many tools, tangible and inanimate, to lull me into serene rest each night.

The Tangible and Inanimate Tools I’ve Gathered Over Nearly 6 Years

Essential Oil Diffuser

Vortix Eye Massager V2 (a gift)

Weighted Blanket (a gift)

A masterful, coma inducing new bed

Sleeping naked

Melatonin

Dodow Sleep Aid Light Machine (a gift)

I am currently studying and adjusting a plan that my spirit comprehends and respects. A plan that will fortify the trust that never existed between Sleep and I.

I am going to use the aforementioned tools more fervently. They worked, when I utilized them. They will no longer be things I pick up occasionally when the exhaustion is all-consuming. They will be by nightly comrades. I am setting a tone. When I lay my body down, I try to put my phone as far away from me as possible. Severing ties with the side dudes that are Instagram and YouTube, will show Sleep that I can be faithful. This mature adult woman is giving herself a bedtime. I haven't settled on a time yet. I feel compelled to confess that it is presently 2:05 a.m. and I have to go to work in the morning. This is an ongoing process. I know what I need though and I am going to make it happen.

The support I have is unreal and reliable, even when I resist their help. I have had family completely organize my room for me and then they didn’t berate me when I couldn’t sustain the space, they created for me. Now, I have a loved one helping me change the way I approach creating a safe space for myself. We have given ourselves a timeline and most importantly we are being kind to ourselves, adjusting our expectations as need be. I have been given new language for the vision that I am formulating for myself. I am designating zones for my sacred ground and throwing away things what I don’t need any longer. There will be zones for rest, art/books, clothes/shoes, and exercise. I am not waiting until I move into my new apartment. I am taking my time. Doing what I can when I can.

I will have my safe space. My sacred ground.