Multi personality

I should start by saying I don't have any personality disorders, I simply need switch between many different ones to live life.

The ones I am about to list have a new starting point, constant chronic pain through fibromyalgia. This affects my mood, my energy, the effort I can put into a task and how long til I start to fall asleep. This is my default if not interacting and just me to deal with. Even though my wife is in arms reach I feel no need to pretend as she understands the pain I am in.

This means the old default of mild mannered and calm relaxed person is also now mainly a pretence. I either have to pretend everything doesn't hurt or to accept it will never change and just accept it. Its the new normal, I always wondered what that phrase actually meant.

The next persona is the in public one, walking round shops or going for a coffee somewhere. I have never really cared what people outside family and friends think of me, though when I am crying due to the pain I feel a little more exposed. I don't pay attention to those around me but I am prepared to play the part if I bump into anyone I know. The people that need to know are aware of my condition and in the main accept it and allow for my limitations.

I don't wear the condition as a badge or try and exploit it but equally dont try and hide it unless its beneficial. I get breathless quickly, lifting almost anything hurts and even a flight of stairs can be agony. The symptoms of fibromyalgia for me include asthma. This exacerbates the breathlessness and the problems associated with the conditions.

The main place for the most personalities is at work. I care for adults with special needs including autism and downs syndrome. Each one I work with is very different from all the others. I care for a core of 7 but there's a possible 30 different people to work differently with. Some have anxiety issues and pick up on negativity, some have learning delay and need easy sentences and some have autism so have to be approached in a standard way.

Each has a care plan detailing approach, things to say or not say and how to deal with any challenging behaviour. Every one has to be approached a certain way and all feed off your approach in a certain way. So if I show upset, anger or pain they will notice. So my work default is neutrality in terms of mood and body language. I have to be glad too see everyone because if I look unhappy some may take it personally.

This work default then has to be ready to switch for whoever I am working with. Sometimes more then one wants my attention so I need all options ready and to rotate then depending which conversation I am having. Bearing in mind that certain words and phrases that might be fine for one person can trigger and upset another. Its a delicate balancing job but always needed to not make the job harder.

There are a couple of other personalities in reserve for special occasions. The concert going one for example , I used to be in the pit at the front of death metal and thrash concerts on a regular basis. So the persona was a confident, strong and determined person as I pushed my way to the front. Now I need things to lean on and to have regular sit downs so tend to be near the back. The persona is therefore confident but slightly broken.

In summary the different people I become are to help me get through the day, trying the lowest default only when alone or with my wife. My place of safety behind closed doors. I just have to try remember who the real me is before he gets totally lost.