Finding my calm

I'm not sure when it happened; one moment I was awake and thriving, going to class every day energized; the next I was nodding off at my desk at 2 pm. I was yawning at the gym. I was unable to keep my eyes open past 8 pm even though I was getting a full 8 hours of sleep every night.

My world was foggy, stressful, and tinged with constant pain.

I think everyone, regardless of age or generation, deals with some form of mental health issue, and pairing that with chronic physical pain can make getting through your day a struggle.

So this was my day:

I'd wake up at 7:30, the room dark, my spouse snoring next to me, and consider whether we could just survive in a hut, living off the land. It was a battle to convince myself that it wouldn't be that bad; "just make it through today Gabi".

I'm showered, dressed, and out the door to be at work by 8:25 (five minutes earlier than my start time as that's how my boss preferred). At this point, I'm uncomfortable. My curls are stiff with leave-in conditioner. My skin feels tacky from foundation and setting spray. My normally flat stomach is ballooned out to the size of a melon from Endometriosis. My clothes, while classy and office appropriate, are squeezing me in the most painful places.

And now I must smile at customers who come into my office to yell at me for things no one in our establishment has control over. Now I must grit my teeth through the sharp seizing pain in my stomach and ignore the ants crawling under my skin as anxiety riddles my fragile senses while eyeing the clock. Please, 5 o'clock just come already, I beg of you!

Sometimes I'd make it through the day and race home to immediately fall asleep. Dinner and spouse's needs be damned.

Sometimes I wouldn't; leaving early to seek the shelter of my living room. I'd nap and medicate until I was together enough to take care of my household; desperate to have the place clean and food ready for when he got home from work. (not that he couldn't or wouldn't do it himself; I was just raised that way)

At some point, I realized I had to do something. After some convincing from my spouse, I gave up the anxiety meds (not for everyone but worked for me) and replaced it with weed and exercise. I took the time to look into what sorts of food aggravated my condition. Dairy, sugar, gluten, fried foods, alcohol, etc was causing the inflammation and exhaustion to rise. I refocused on my mental needs and figured out a new way to handle angry customers. example: customer complains and complains and complains about why they missed the application deadline and how it's our fault. Once done they stare at me for a response. With glazed-over eyes and a deadpan voice I say; "soooo do you want to be put on next year's mailing list orrr....?" They say yes, defeated, and walk away :)

So now I know how to keep myself going.

I eat right; veggies, fruit, super-food vegan protein powders, and a crap ton of water.

I go to the gym; get my blood pumping so much the ants run away.

I find quiet solace in books and movies; sci-fi and fantasy novels transporting me to other worlds.

I find comfort in my spouse; who took the time to learn what I needed at my most vulnerable.

I busy my mind but researching and starting business ventures; currently trying to break into real estate as we speak.

I lose myself in painting little gifts for my dad.

I leave my dark cave of a home and breathe in the fresh air; hiking up a mountain, swinging on a hammock in the backyard, watching the waves crash at a local beach, or tagging along on my spouse's errands, face to the open window, eyes closed.

I make my comfy yoga pants and leggings work for me; dressing them up or making it clear that today is not the day to gripe at me for it (heating pad momentarily glued to my stomach).

Most importantly; I gave up my stress. I gave up walking on eggshells with my family and friends. I gave up holding in my wants/needs in my relationship for the sake of peace. I gave up allowing the constant fighting at my job to follow me home. I gave up comparing what I had accomplished to others. I gave up on the timeline I thought my life should be on; and decided to just LIVE.