Beautiful Disaster

You think your damaged, I think your beautiful.

Do you ever seen a message on your phone and smiled? Have you ever listened to someone put themselves down because someone else made them believe they are unlovable? Have you ever sat with your own broken self and wondered what you could do better? Have you ever felt uncomfortable talking about what breaks your heart? Have you ever had to sit down and write what it is you need from yourself and others? Have you ever felt unwanted and not enough?

I have met a lot of broken people in my life. It sad because I wish I could make it all better. I wish people treated each other with respect and understanding instead of cutting them down to a place they no longer feel themselves to be worthy. I wish people saw themselves with my eyes for the beautiful mess that they are. We all have times and people in our lives that haven’t made us feel the way we feel about ourselves, and we sometimes project that onto the new people we meet. I have been that person, as well as had this happen. It’s sad because each of us are so different and so wrapped in our own beautiful messes. Humans have become selfish to their own view of what the world should look like instead of accepting what they’re own world looks like. For a long period of my life I thought that the problem always lied within me. People’s conditions to loving me were so high that I started to not love myself. Climbing this invisible pole to get to the top of a pedestal that was created in order to gain there affection. No one should ever have to climb this high.

It started when I was a child wanting one addict parent to be there for me, and one career driven one to notice me. Attention seeking as a child can become a very harsh reality when your older and don’t realize that giving yourself that praise and attention is needed in order to feel whole again. We seek attention in all the wrong ways because we don’t know what positive attention looks like. We only know what the negative looks like and feed off of that like the wolves feed off any food source they can find in the winter months. That inner child is always screaming pick me, pick me. Have you ever tried picking yourself instead? I wish I could say that my life went the way the movies show, boy meets girl, gets married, has children lives happily ever after. That isn’t always the case. I got the boy meets girl, has children, boy cheats on girl, single mom life begins. Through that I have learned so much about myself and about the other boys around me wanting to be apart of my tiny family but not wanting to fully commit to it. I’ve also attracted the ones that want me to give them more attention than I give to my children and that isn’t something I can do, they come first. These days it seems that men take the nurturing of a woman as a mother’s love, when they should be turning to their own mother’s for this support.

I believe in change, I think that is why I believe that people can change, I know I have. I have been a homeless teenager, addict, tried committing suicide, been kidnapped, raped, abused, caught in gang activity, had a gun held to my head, knife to my throat, believe me when I say I could go on but won’t. All of these things should have made me a cold hearted person with severe trust issues instead it’s made me realize that life is what your environment is. If you choose to be around people that will do these types of things to you, you end up lost. Always looking behind your back making sure that no one is there to stab you again.

I don’t do this anymore, I’m not afraid of what life’s going to bring me. I know that I am in control of my life which wasn’t a thought for me until the age of 30. I had enough by then, I had enough of being controlled, being silenced, being in the situations that would kill me at another’s hand or my own. I couldn’t tell you which is scarier as they both hold different emotions. It’s made me who I am though and changed me in ways that I no longer accept this behaviour. If I am not okay within my self then how are others supposed to know how to treat me. The other day I spoke of what I’d really enjoy doing with my life to a friend. Currently what I lack is compassion for myself. I hate that I was a victim, often call myself a survivor but I don’t want to be that survivor either, I want to be me. The version that I can be proud of, who can say hey, yes I understand I’ve been there but life gets easier. Sometimes my life gets chaotic and that is okay too because within those waves of chaos I find myself riding them like a champ, having a solution to each one as they come through.

I accept people for who they are, you cannot change someone unless they want to change many come to me on a daily basis telling their stories, and I listen, most of the time wanting to help and fix it. You can’t and that is a type of acceptance that bothers me at times. I see women in relationships that are abusive but blame it on his mental health. I see people using each other and also blaming it on mental health. Your mental health is within your control. I have always advocated it that way. The way you behave and the way you view the world is what you will get back from it. If you put in the work to understand yourself and stop the risky behaviors we all carry you stop blaming others for how you are acting and sit and blame yourself. You are not unlovable, that person who broke your soul was there to teach you that there will be another who lifts it high into the sky and loves you for who you are. We all have flaws, we all feel things in irrational manners but we don’t have to react in a way that is going to be and excuse for abusing another person. Have you ever listened to someone’s story change as they become aware of their actions? Have you ever listened to someone else blame someone for their actions? I believe we place blame so we don’t have to take accountability for our own hurt within hurting someone else.

I feel as humans we need to stop living in our past hurts, life is going to hurt. But isn’t it worth living?