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ALERT: Groundbreaking Study Reveals Cats Are Not Napping - They’re Recharging for Their 3 A.M. Zoomies to Nowhere
By The Pompous Post™ Investigative Lounge Division In what experts are calling “the most important breakthrough in modern domestic science,” researchers at the National Institute of Pet Behavior have confirmed that cats are not actually sleeping during the day. They’re recharging their internal chaos capacitors in preparation for their nightly ritual known as “The Zoomies.”
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
Local Man Argues with GPS, Accidentally Unlocks Its Toxic Personality Settings
A Scenic Shortcut to Madness It started innocently enough. Gary Whitmore, 43, of Dayton, Ohio, slid into his 2019 Toyota Camry and keyed in his destination: a Home Depot located precisely 12 minutes away. A quick trip. A routine errand. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
I Communicated Entirely in Auto-Complete Suggestions for 24 Hours. My Final Words Were “Sorry for the inconvenience.”
In an age where technology claims to make our lives easier, I decided to put that promise to the test in the dumbest way possible. For 24 hours straight, I vowed to communicate only through the power of auto-complete text suggestions. No original thought, no clever phrasing, just whatever three cursed words my phone decided to offer me at the time. Why you ask? Well… because we were bored.
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
The Pompous Post Welcomes Harold Hindsight, Our New In-House Medium
Here at The Pompous Post, we are proud (and somewhat nervous) to introduce our newest member of the team: columnist “Harold Hindsight, Medium and Overseer of the Enlightened.” Harold claims to see beyond the veil of time itself. According to Harold (and Harold alone), he has already helped thousands of brothers and sisters reach their “best selves”. Though none of them could be reached for comment. His résumé includes healings of mysterious ailments and horoscope readings so accurate they could have been copied and pasted from a fortune cookie. The locating of “lost relatives” (most of whom happened to be at Applebee’s), and regular chats with the dearly departed.
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
AI is Stealing Our Jobs, But It Can’t Fold a Fitted Sheet...
I. Prelude to the Apocalypse (Laundry Edition) Every generation has its defining fear. The Victorians worried about fainting couches and tuberculosis. The Cold War generation stockpiled canned peaches in case Russia sneezed too loudly. And us? We’ve been told that Artificial Intelligence will soon steal every job, write every poem, and possibly date every one of our exes.
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
D.E.A.R MARGARET
I've written and deleted this letter forty-seven times. I know you said you didn't want to hear from me again, and I'm respecting that, this letter is addressed to you, but I'm not sending it. I'm leaving it here, on your porch, in a waterproof envelope, with explicit instructions on the envelope that it should only be opened if: (a) something happens to me, or (b) you find out from someone else first, at which point my explanation will at least be on record. So this is not me trying to contact you. This is me creating plausible deniability while also ensuring you know the whole truth. I'm sure your therapist would have thoughts about that.
By Aarsh Malik5 months ago in Humor
The Unwritten Rules of Grocery Store Parking Lots...
Prologue: Lo, the Battlefield Lo, do I see before me, a kingdom of cracked asphalt and faded paint. A field where the strong prey upon the distracted, where carts roll like tumbleweeds across the prairie, and where no mortal leaves unscathed. This, my friends, is the grocery store parking lot… the true crucible of modern society.
By The Pompous Post5 months ago in Humor
I Shouldn’t Have Started the Cult
To the residents of Maple Creek Estates, First, I would like to apologize for the chanting. I understand now that hearing forty-seven adults in identical linen robes humming rhythmically around the community garden at 2:00 a.m. may have created an atmosphere some residents described as “deeply concerning.”
By Ajan Lori A. 5 months ago in Humor
To Whom it may concern
To whom it may concern I am so sorry that you are too dense to comprehend the simplest of directions. That constructive criticism sends you into tears. That your mistake has cost this company money. That you need someone to mommy you now that you made this mistake.
By WrittenWritRalf6 months ago in Humor
