Wit
Of Mice, Men and Women — Who Is The Smartest?
“Whenever you fight with Chris, you come in here, looking frustrated. Dressing as if you didn’t look in the mirror before leaving your house and picking a fight with everyone,” Orella argued with Karoya as she pulled out the empty chair to her right.
Annelise LordsPublished 6 months ago in Humor12 Super Quick Puzzles You Can Amuse Your Friends With
I saw a sports car rear-ending an ice cream van. I stopped to make sure the occupants weren’t injured. They were fine. The problem was the sports car had lodged itself under the ice cream van, and we couldn’t move them off the road. I phoned the police to attend and asked if there was anything else I could do.
Malky McEwanPublished 6 months ago in HumorJesus Saves at Temple Market
Jesus Christ, lord and savior to tens of millions of Christians worldwide, reportedly saved big at the temple market during his last shopping trip there. Though he has been permanently banned from the market for disrupting business by violently turning over money changer's tables during previous visits he still shops there regularly in disguise. The son of God saved close to fifteen percent off of regular prices on fish heads, mulled wine, and bread loaves by buying them from the clearance rack at the back of the temple and not near the front entrance where they are generally found at much higher prices. After leaveing the store with almost 100 drachma remaining from his budget of 200 dinar Jesus was reportedly quite pleased with how much he had saved saying the following "They say give to Ceaser what is Ceaser's and give to God what is God's. Oh wait, I mean, I say that, or, I said that. Not sure exactly where I was going with that, but man did I save big today. I mean I saved a lot. Nice!" With that Jesus bowed his head, turned and walked away.
Everyday JunglistPublished 6 months ago in HumorDeevolutionary Theory Proponents Point to Tennessee as Evidence
In a vigorous debate with evolutionary theorists this week, proponents of the competing theory of deevolution argued that the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee clearly supports the claims made by their theory, while at the same time standing in direct opposition to what traditional evolutionary theory would predict. Dr. Stephen Wandsworth a leading deevolutionary theorist said the following in a prepared statement at the close of the debate. "Our thorough analysis of both the phenotypic (appearance based) and genotypic (DNA sequence based) makeup of the current human population of Tennessee has vindicated deevolutionary theorists claims and laid bare the great weaknesses inherent in traditional evolutionary theory. For example, evolutionary theory claims that living beings continually improve themselves over time through the process of natural selection, with only the strongest and most well adapted surviving to reproduce another generation. They refer to this as survival of the fittest. In contrast, deevolutionary theory presents a competing hypothesis we call survival of the fattest. Deevolutionary theory and survival of the fattest predicts that only the most overweight, out of shape, and irresponsible will reproduce in high enough numbers to continue another generation. The current human population of Tennessee which features an overabundance of overweight, morbidly obese, and totally out of shape persons is clear evidence that survival of the fattest is the more accurate. On the genetic level we are seeing a reduction in both the total number of functional coding genes and a significant increase in single nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs) and other mutations across large portions of the genome triggering serious and damaging changes in protein structure and function. As a result the physical appearance of the average Tennessee human has degraded significantly. Tennessee humans are now shorter, have lower IQs, less teeth, more diseases, and fewer boyfriend/girlfriend prospects than at any time since records have been kept. Yet, they continue to reproduce at a rapid clip and the level of irresponsible sexual matings between Tennesse males and females inlcuding out of wedlock, cousin and even brother sister pairings are at their highest levels ever. This is not something one would expect if evolutionary theory were an accurate representation of reality, deevolutionary theory however, predicts exactly these results. Both theories indidcate that superfluous organs and structures will be selected out over time however they differ greatly in terms of the importance each gives to various organ systems and structures. If evolutionary theory were correct Tennessee humans should have healthy teeth, and stand and walk upright with a straight gate, but instead we see a majority with very few teeth left, standing hunched over and favoring a sloping limping shuffle. When it comes to mate selection evolutionary theory and deevolutionary theory also differ greatly. Evolutionary theory argues that the female looks to reproduce with only the most fit males ensuring that her genes will be successfully carried on to the next generation. In contrast in deevolutionary theory a female looks to reproduce with males that will carry her jeans to the laundromat or buy her a pair of jeans or wear jean shorts. It is patently obvious that deevolutiary theory is more correct given the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee in which almost 9 out of 10 persons where jean shorts for the majority of days of every year. Given all the data it seems clear that at least when it comes to the human population of Tennessee, evolutionary theory is simply not correct. Deevolutionary theory, on the other hand, has been totally vindicated. The question we need to answer next is if Tennessee is but an outlier, or if other states will also show deevolutionary theory to have superior explanatory power. There are a few obvious cases, Kentucky and Alabama come to mind, but what we do not yet understand is which theory will prevail in more mainstream states like Ohio and Virginia. No matter, the results we have obtained so far represent nothing less than a paradigm shift in our understanding of human evpolution and deevolution." Ironically both theories share the distinction of being not believed in by 99% of the humans of Tennessee.
Everyday JunglistPublished 6 months ago in HumorPreamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with.
Everyday JunglistPublished 6 months ago in HumorLocal Nerd Shocked to Discover He is in Love with a Girl Who Has Never Seen a Single Star Wars Movie
Local nerd Ted Stephens was reportedly shocked and in disbelief when he realized that he was madly in love with his coworker, local girl (Melissa Thompson) who has never seen a single Star Wars movie. Ted said of the cosmically improbable event "I had a suspicion that Melissa was not a huge Star Wars fan on our very first date when I busted out three classic Yoda quotes to which she barely reacted. The first time was when she was talking about how difficult it had been for her when she moved to the US from oversees. She used the example of how she had learned the metric system in her homeland, but that it was totally different from the English systenm of measurements we use in the states. After she had finished and fell silent for just a moment waiting for me to reply I said, you must unlearn what you have learned, in my best Yoda voice. It was perfectly timed and oh so appropriate, but she barely smiled. Instead she just gazed off into the distance, her almond shaped eyes aglow with a fire that illuminated the dimly lit room where we sat like a sliver of moonlight. Her pouty lips glistened, and raven black, silky smooth hair cascaded over her perfectly formed shoulders like a river made of purest ebony. The second time was when she was describing her struggles to advance at Compford & Sons, the office where we work. She complained that the significant impact of her work was constantly overlooked even though she was trying as hard as she could to impress her boss and coworkers. As she spoke, the look of desperation on her face was reflected in her pale blue eyes, and my heart melted. In that moment, her beaty was beyond imagining, and, even though it was tinged with sadness, it took my breath away. It almost left me speechless, fortunately, I quickly recovered my senses, and remembered yet another classic Yoda quote which addressed the situation she currently faced. So, once again, in my pitch perfect Yoda voice I simply said, do or do not, there is no try. Bam. That was spot on awesome, but agin she just shrugged and continued on saying that she was not sure she was capable of doing what needed to be done, and that she was questioning her own belief in herself. For a gorgeous woman of such stunning grace to feel such self doubt angered and saddened me in equal measure. Luckily, for the third time in less then fifteen minutes, Yoda's words of wisdom came into my mind. I knew they could be of some consolation to her so when I spoke, it was in a quiet tone, but again in Yoda voice, that is why you fail, was all I said. Awesome stuff, right? I mean I could not have story boarded it out any better. It just goes to show you how the philosophy of the Jedi is so applicable and useful even in our own galaxy, and not just a galaxy far, far away. Anyways, Melissa did not seem as impressed as I thought for sure she would be and that was when she told me she had never seen a single Star Wars movie then excused herself to use the ladies room. As she stood to leave I noticed the smoothness of her skin, her delicate hands, and shapely legs and I think that was the moment I fell in love with her. But, clearly she was no Star Wars fan, so how could I be in love with her? It just did not seem possible, and yet, my feelings could not be denied. Love works in mysterious ways I guess. I waited there at the table for a good ten minutes completely dumbfounded, heart pounding in my chest, barely able to think or move, but she never came back so finally I paid the check got up and went home and watched the entire original Star Wars trilogy alone for the fifth time this year."
Everyday JunglistPublished 6 months ago in Humor10 most funny things told by presidents of America
Explore the wit and humor of U.S. presidents with these insightful and amusing quotes. From Ronald Reagan's take on government and business to Barack Obama's lighthearted aspiration, delve into the clever and often humorous perspectives of leaders like John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, and others. Discover the lighter side of presidential discourse and how humor has been used to address politics, personal integrity, and societal issues throughout history.
Salman siddiquePublished 6 months ago in HumorStar Registry
Name a Star - an excellent gift for any occasion.™ cc: The owner of the star, Polaris (α, Ursa Minor) C/O Joseph R. Fritz, Trustee, in the United States Bankruptcy Court for the Middle District of Florida, Tampa Division, Tampa, FL 33603-4116
Gerard DiLeoPublished 6 months ago in HumorDear Ghosts In My House
Dear Ghosts in my house, You are really annoying! I have lived in peace with you for over twenty years, and I continue to live in peace with you.
Carol TownendPublished 6 months ago in HumorThe Five Types of Meat You Get in Heaven
Note: my head has been in a weird place over the last few days. I have just lost my godmother after a very long illness, and even though it was not a surprise, I am still getting used to a world without her love, attitude...and wicked sense of humour. I had this in a notebook for quite a while, and I needed a laugh at the exact moment when I rediscovered it this morning. The title of Mitch Albom's book was perfect for a parody...
Kendall DefoePublished 6 months ago in Humor- Content Warning
How South Park Used ChatGPT to Help Write an Episode
South Park is a show like no other. Where so many shows and cartoons seem almost to exist outside of time, South Park stays rooted in the moment. That’s not to say, of course, that the children have actually aged. Apart from graduating from third to fourth grade, they’ve remained 10-year-olds as they’ve confronted everything from climate change to religion, to politics, to a giant mechanized Barbara Streisand.
Ben UlanseyPublished 7 months ago in Humor South Park: The Most Important Satire Ever Made
Sometimes South Park can get a bad rap. With some of the jokes told in its 26 year run, it's not difficult to see why. South Park is both ruthless and persevering. With 326 episodes in its catalogue, there are few issues the long-running satire has failed to explore - and comprehensively.
Ben UlanseyPublished 7 months ago in Humor