New Readers' Disgust Prize Draw

Dear You,

We have written to you today, in fake biro, because you are one of the 320 million lucky, lucky people our database profiles as vulnerable enough to sign up for worthless crap just to enter a prize draw that appeals to the self-delusional optimism that’s ruined your life so far.

Be the envy of your neighbours when you pull up in your drive in the gold-plated, limited edition, 18-cylinder, 12-speed sports car-boat you almost certainly won’t win.

What are you waiting for? Isn’t the pretend cheque we rigged in the envelope to accidentally show through under your address – the cheque that actually turned out to look more like a food hygiene certificate – good enough for you?

Affix the YES!!! sticker to the back of the YES!!!! envelope and fill in the reply-paid Sworn Affidavit enclosing some skin for DNA matching and some product or other will be yours to keep, no matter how many times you try to send it back.

Examine this majestic thing in your home for ten days. Admire its packaging, and the mind- less dedication of its creators. If you don’t agree that it is a handsome addition to your life, simply return it to a PO Box in Swindon where your lack of commitment and angry correspondence will be charitably ignored for as long as it takes to send you more thingamajigs that reinforce the futility of your thwarted materialism.

Don't click the ‘go away’ button in case we have to Dutch auction the crap out of our offer and melt your browser with red hot pricing that will reveal exactly how huge - yes HUGE!!!!!! our profit margin on the coffee table, handcrafted by children from finest ecocidal hardwood hardboard cardboard is.

Act in the next 55 seconds to save the world's last breeding pair of exclamation marks !!

Wait. Too late.

Act now: we know where you live.

*No

My most honoured friend,

My late husband was Mr Tomias Champagne, Head of International Finance in the Nigerian Worthless Crap Bank in Lagos. He was rooflessly assassissassinated by paramilitary factions of the CBM – the well-known Societé Contré Bibliotheque Merde. I am his destitute widow, under house arreste and facing a life without glossy books to lay on my occasional furniture.

I have discovered recently that he left $25 millionie Dollars in prize draw funds in my name and I am contact you now to ask for your kindness in helping me recover the seven (7) numbers I need to open safety depositing box.

Here are the three numbers I have:

• RIP- 53ND M3 M0N3Y
• OFF- L075 0F M0N3Y
• CON- 8UY M3 4 H0U53

I now need the last four which, as luck would have it are hidden in your bank account number, sort code, fax number and best check-book signature. Please forward to this poor old widow in the special pre-paid envelope provided and you can be sure to get considerable just desserts from helping me with this deal.

Your very honourable friend,

Mrs Teacake Champagne

Previous prizewinners

MQ Bicester

I never win anything, not since I accidentally superglued both my hands to this cake plate. I was about to saw my hand off at the wrist with a breadknife when you rang to tell me I had won a Reverse Bakery Operation.

DFS Toss

When I won your Prize Draw, I escaped from the drab world of business clip- photo modelling and was able to pursue a career as a close-up porn double. Not at all bad for a guy who left school with only a Grade 2 CSE in Holding a Telephone.

AWOL Swindon

I must admit, when I first heard about this prize draw, I was sceptical. Then I realised that I was the one organising it, so I cashed all the cheques and ran away with the money. Thank you all so much for your funny letters and phone calls. Bye for now.