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Job Vacancy – Uncivil Servant

London. Unlimited earnings potential.

By Ian VincePublished 4 months ago 4 min read
1
Job Vacancy – Uncivil Servant
Photo by Killian Cartignies on Unsplash

Uncivil Servant

Excellent benefits including car, speedboat, microlight, gun.

Are you...

  • A weak-chinned Oxbridge paedophile with a penchant for mainlining lavatory cleaner and strangling prostitutes?
  • Hungry for a fast-track career compromising third-world governments and blowing up bridges?
  • Is your current job holding you back with poor pay and conditions, modest options for growth and not enough access to high explosives?
  • Do you cherish control of a sophisticated armory of lethal force at the helm of HMFBA – Her Majesty’s Fist of Brutal Annihilation?

Do you? Really?

Then you’re just who we’re looking for. We need a team of outgoing psychopaths who are great at working under extreme pressure.

No academic qualifications are necessary, but you need to exhibit enough interpersonal and communication skills to win people’s trust shortly before you have them assassinated.

You must also be agile, athletic and fit because at times you will need to run like fuck from the scene of your latest atrocity.

You will work in a chaotic environment, usually of your own making and will meet foreign dignitaries, members of pressure groups, environmental charities and agencies, all of whom you will be required to kill.

Write now

If you’ve got what it takes – a steely nerve, lots of guts and a slightly dreamy malevolence, we want to hear from you.

Write to us with your CV, or whisper into a nearby table lamp for full details by return of post.

About your application to work with us

Please wait for two weeks after the deadline to find out if you have got the job. We regularly communicate with our agents in the field via messages we leave in their household refuse. If you have not thought of going through your bin for secret mail from the government, then we’re sorry, you are simply too mentally stable to work for us. Thank you for your interest, tap three times on the unmarked white Ford Transit van parked across the road from your home to withdraw your application.

About your information

Naturally, with all the personal information and data we have to collect about you, you’d expect us to operate a rock-solid Information Security Policy and to treat all your personal details with the utmost respect.

What we can promise you, however, is that we really try our best and, if we make a mistake, we will come straight out and admit it after:

  • a brief cooling-off period;
  • a public enquiry and;
  • some hurtful insinuations about your honesty from our expertly trained attack lawyers.

That said, your information is almost always safe at the Government's state-of-the-art data centre.

The perimeter gate is manned by staff wearing fancy dress police uniform and expressions of hateful melancholy that put off authorized visitors, let alone trespassers.

Even if trespassers wriggle their way past the perimeter guards, with their 24-hour CCTV and Sky Sports monitoring, they will still have to face the Datashield – an over-complex and obfuscatory computer system so unfriendly and frustrating to use, only Zen masters can resist the temptation to smash it to pieces with a stick. Adepts are trained for six months to penetrate the Datashield, and can only endure a year of work with it before they are de-programmed in a sensory deprivation bunker in Worthing that will enable them to lead a normal life again, but will unfortunately spoil their memories of Worthing for ever.

Your agreement:

  • This document forms part of a contract governed by and construed in accordance with the Laws of Canasta.
  • Your agree to not reverse engineer or otherwise tamper with this application in order to create an alternate reality where decaffeinated coffee.
  • To take at least four instances of interrogation during the first three months of service as an intelligence officer.

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An emergency procedure when patting your pockets, looking under the cat that looks a little too pleased with itself and, when Googling for “car key” AND “mine” AND “please” does not turn up anything useful – except for some mildly distracting pornography.

Warning: This form calls out a search party, which will tear your home apart in a relentless search that becomes logarithmically more unreasonable with every passing moment.

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About the Creator

Ian Vince

Erstwhile non-fiction author, ghost & freelance writer for others, finally submitting work that floats my own boat, does my own thing. I'll deal with it if you can.

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Comments (2)

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  • Brendan Donaghy4 months ago

    Very funny! 😁😁

  • Zara Blume4 months ago

    I have no idea how you come up with this stuff. I would read an entire novel about an ‘Uncivil Servant’, how they got chosen for the job, and what happens when they want to quit.

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