Castle Chronicles VI

For links to previous editions please scroll to the bottom.

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Literary Corner

IMMORTAL WAR: A Poetic Rendering by Lt. Read R. Wright, Castle Guard *********************************************************************

Attacks most heinous on us have occurred

Our soldier's bloodlust now be stirred

Immortals they may claim to be

Far and above to eternity

Still their actions they shall regret nigh

Thus we swear, we do not lie

Our army shall strike their forces hard

Harry Immortal castle, field, and yard

Send yon farmers rancid meat

Pox riddens to wash their feet

Minister Vesria attack with words

Spike the kraken to fly like a bird

Dumg bombs to drop, fields to fry

Today Immortals Learn to Die!

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HEALTH AND BEAUTY:

According to court physician Dr. Ardythe Van Pelt, late of Peanuts, our regent the regal Lord Bourbs is suffering from repeated bouts of insomnia. A sleeping draught prescribed today failed to assist and our tired regent persists in his inability to reach the dream state he so desires. Lady Emcat and chambermaid Aryia didst attempt to assist via the means of singing lullabyes. Alas, this musical endeavor only succeeded in causing the castle cats to set off a chorus of sing along screeching and caterwauling. So, if perchance you should be wandering the castle corridors after hours, try to be quiet near the regent's rooms. Also, a royal makeup artist is needed to assist Lord Bourbs in covering up those dark circles under his royal eyes. If interested in the position please see assistant chambermaid Lady Cattiebrie.

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MILITARY - WAR UPDATE:

In reference to the blood brother treaty with The Alliance - plans for a possible combined dual realm attack on our not so immortal foes are in the mix [right under the cabbage next to the shrooms].

Note: Dr Ardythe Van Pelt states that the infection our regent got from the laceration to his palm sustained in signing the blood brothers treaty with The Alliance is doing well. Regent Bourbs states that, as he is ambidextrous, all shall be well.

Military R&D: Cpt. Riley Strongarm of the Palace Guard reports new advancements in the area of troop safety due to the fabrication of Scale Armor. It has been determined that the scales shed by our fearsome kraken, Spike, are good for more than just dustpans and sea rations plates. Indeed, these scales are perfect for the formation of a new and improved scale armor certain to improve our troops chances of survival on the battlefield. Cpt. Strongarm insists on field testing himself and is so far delighted with the new armor's strength and light weight.

Lord Tolke, our realm's foremost expert on animal husbandry (despite his lady love being human) is ecstatic over this new development in armor fabrication and is said to have crews working diligently around the clock oiling and buffing kraken scales.

TRANSPORTATION & MERCANTILE:

Lord Dakkarious, Royal Gardener and resident chemical engineer, is working at a feverish pace on an improved faster and more efficient means of travel for our wagon trains. He is quoted as saying, "We may not reinvent the wheel, but this squeaky axle will be well greased."

LEISURE & ENTERTAINMENT:

Music Afficionados: As our jester has had a constant problem with sprung strings on his lute, Lord Dakkarious is looking for suggestions as to a new material to use in place of the currently utilized cat gut variety. Please forward any suggestions.

SAFETY / FIRE CONTROL:

It appears that there have been several recent unexplained incidents of spontaneous crop combustion in our fields. Speculation has it that these fire outbreaks, which occur in all weather and times to include during rainstorms, may be related to the new fertilizer recently developed by Lord Dakkarious. This reporter sees this as likely given the same materials (mainly ammonia and kraken poo) are utilized in the making of our newest weapon the dung bomb. However; due to this, our realm is now organizing a VOLUNTEER FIRE BRIGADE to be led by the reportedly wet behind the ears Lt. Chuck L. Head of the Palace Guard. If interested in volunteering for fire control duty please see Lt. Head and/or Cpt. Riley Strongarm.

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FOOD & LEISURE: Royal Chef Ceser Sallud Jr. has stated that he intends to pioneer a new restaurant on his estate: KFC: Kraken Fried Chitterlings. Those interested in broadening their palates may want to give it a go. Personally, I recommend the extra crispy.

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Below are links to earlier editions:

https://vocal.media/fiction/castle-chicanery

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chicanery-ii

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chronicles-iii

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chronicles-iv

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chronicles-v