Castle Chronicles III

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For previous editions see the following links:

https://vocal.media/fiction/castle-chicanery

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chicanery-ii

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TOWER BLAST UPDATE: aka LORD DAKKARIOUS TAKES A POWDER:

In reference to the tower explosion as noted in yesterday's edition... Lord Dakkarious has made the following statement: "I am tired of that silly jester constantly putting my research in question. No fully grown man who runs around in motley wearing a floppy multi-tiered hat covered with rancid peppers and tarnished bells should be allowed access to explosives of any sort. We need only recall the blasting of the Tunnel of Love on Lord Allister's old estate, now defunct mind you, and the mushroom farm growing in the bottom of what used to be a functionally useful elevator to realize to realize that Lord Androlian should not be allowed access to anything more powerful than baby powder. As such, in order to forestall further incidents and possible injuries, I have confiscated Lord Androlian's supply of blasting powder."

Lord Androlian was not available for comment due to an overdose of kraken shrooms. He is currently on sabbatical.

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MILITARY EDUCATION:

School of Hard Knocks: Per our esteemed military cadre, the school of hard knocks is a learning institution dating back over a century to when peasants were trained as arrow fodder ... uh..., battering ram experts. During the seige or attack on a fortified castle if the arrow fodder failed to knock hard enough on the first sally the boiling oil poured upon their heads by the defending occupants of said castle tended to discourage subsequent attempts. Per Cpt Riley Strongarm, one could always ensure the students were highly attentive during Battering Ram 101 at the School of Hard Knocks.

CALL GOES OUT FOR BATTERING RAM TRAINEES: Cpt Strongarm has posted a call for soldier trainees with strong backs, weak minds, and a fondness for cooking oil. Second and third sons of farmers / serfs are perfect prospects. Equipment provided, paid training. Those interested see Lt. Chuck L. Head.

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LITERARY SECTION / POETIC JUSTICE:

The Lament of the Nightelf [*anonymous submission*]

Before they fly to the scene of danger

Dream Team warriors slow to anger

Stop by the tavern for one last flagon

Then saddle up thine sopwith dragons

Gird thine loins, buckle thine swords

Mount thine beasts and head towards

An enemy most vile threatens our friend

Our vow this day shall the terror end

Paledine gazes awestruck from behind his gate

Dream Team warriors to decide his fate

Emcat, Nanaja, Fizban and more

Allow ingress then slam the door

Nightelf himself, certain of a glorious feat

Didst not dream the fate this day he'd meet

His army decimated, the stench most foul

Upon the field blood, guts, voided bowel

Back to stable, their beasts to tend

Then back to feasting these soldiers wend

A job most glorious, valiantly done

Damn! Let's do that again, THAT WAS FUN

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While the author of the aforewritten poem was anonymous, it is believed to have been penned by Cpt Strongarm's adjutant, the esteemed Lt. Reed R. Wright.

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NOTICE: It has been requested of Lord Dakkarious to KEEP THE CATTLE PENNED WHEN THE DRAGONS ARE ABOUT. Cpt Strongarm states that cattle glutted dragons are not reliable under fire.

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https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chronicles-iv

https://vocal.media/humor/castle-chronicles-v