Why Can’t I Find a Girlfriend?

Question: It feels like I’ve been searching for ages and can’t seem to find anyone. I‘ve met a few dates, but after all the anticipation they never amount to anything. Is there something wrong with me why it is taking so long to find a sincere, caring person? There must be someone out there for me.

Modern dating can often seem contradictory. On one hand it appears so simple to just go on a dating app, or the internet, or join a Meetup group, and talk to someone, while the actual effort to attract that person can seem pretty daunting. The result is that many people skirt around each other for ages without really achieving anything of substance.

From that scenario. modern dating is not that easy, especially against a background of technology, anonymity, the risk of dishonesty and changing morals. We are not quite sure of the goalposts of behaviour these days: whether to take the initiative, or let the other person act first; whether to be ‘friends’ first, or just allow life to take its course, or where to look for the person we really want. In short, the expectations are so diverse, these uncertainties tend to sabotage personal confidence, making us feel at a distinct disadvantage.

There are tons of reasons why any guy (or gal) might not be able to find a date, because that’s such a personal matter. However, there are THREE very common reasons why someone could be having difficulty finding a date, depending on which one might apply to you.

1. You Don’t Know What You Seek

The greatest power is self-knowledge. It determines the direction and success of our life. On the other hand, we cannot be too prescriptive when it comes to human beings because we are not products in a candy shop. We all have strengths and weaknesses. It is best to accept that fact and have at least some idea of what would make YOU happy, not what would please the date. YOU have to come first, to understand your needs and desires, before you can begin to understand and care for someone else.

So, what are the things that really make you happy, the ones YOU like to do? The ones YOU value most? Make a list of up to 10 things that are priority for you, what you enjoy naturally: whether it’s loyalty, honesty, humour, having a drink, football, concerts, having conversations, whatever. Write them down and familiarise yourself with them. Draw a line right in the middle of the list. The five in the bottom half are negotiable, because we are unlikely to ever get everything we want from any one relationship.

However, the five at the top of your list are non-negotiable. It means if they are not obvious in the early days of your dating/relationship you will find it difficult to be really happy. You will end up focusing on your date, trying to please her interests and desires, or even trying to change him, while you neglect your own needs, then gradually become resentful of it. You will also spend your time yearning for these priorities which are not being fulfilled. Worst still, the minute someone else can offer you the top things you miss, you will feel valued, desired, and significant; and are likely to stray! That’s how most affairs begin: through mutual interests and shared priorities.

So make sure you have some idea what you are seeking in a potential girlfriend. You will come across as more knowledgable and confident, and less of a time waster. You also won’t go after every date in a desperate manner, just because he/she/they might be visually appealing.

2. You Could Be Subconsciously Seeking Perfection

It seems that internet dating is giving us a candy shop syndrome. Couple that with diminished opportunities for meeting people elsewhere in our local environment, and we become either desperate or choosy in the process. Desperation makes us appear needy, and ready to accept anything that looks good or sounds good, while a search for perfection keeps us locked in rigid boxes of perception as to what the ideal partner should be, down to even eye colour and star sign!

Sadly, this doesn’t take into account the possibility that our ‘ideal’ vision might not think we are so ideal for them! Hence the continuous circular mismatch of perceived reality and recurring disappointment. We have to allow people to prove themselves to us, no matter how seemingly imperfect, so long as we feel a spark of attraction, or chemistry, with them.

Leave your comfort zone sometimes and try something different: like a different age range, different area, location, interests, a different race, personality, attitude, etc. Try to experiment with the unknown, to avoid living in a perfect rut. Why not join a local Meetup group, for example? They are excellent for introducing you to new people and enjoyable activities without the angst of actually ‘dating’. That’s how I met my current partner - through a Meetup group I organised. It was such a surprise when he walked into the event I was hosting and we immediately clicked. That was 12 years ago and we're getting married shortly!

Here you simply meet like minded people sharing your interests, like a personal club. If some spark ignites with someone, hurray! If not, you are actually building a friendship group which will always be there when you simply wish for a day/night out or just a walk. The big bonus is that people are always joining Meetups daily, so who knows what could happen when you least expect it?

3. You Are Probably Self-Centred Or Boring

Let's face the facts, many of us believe that we are the most sociable and entertaining person when we are with others. But when it comes to finding a date, nothing is further from the truth. Fear of not being our best, not being attractive enough, or not getting the date, can make us clam up, become reserved, do silly things, become unwitting stalkers who find it hard to take no for an answer, or just plain boorish and insulting, if we don’t get our way. All those actions are often picked up emotionally by many dates, who can sense that something isn’t quite right, and then switch off after the bright start. Women are also likely to be blamed for any past hurt, which makes them even more wary of being continuous scapegoats.

If we have no humour, if we spend our life being fearful of risks and are negative in attitude, if it is all about us, and our needs and passions, and we have little interest in others, we are going to come across as pretty boring people with very little to offer potential dates. Girlfriends might pay you some attention initially, out of curiosity, but they will soon switch off if you have nothing much to offer them emotionally.

Attracting a complete stranger and trying to develop a relationship is no easy task, especially in an age of individual independence and choice. But the secret lies in our our knowledge of ourselves, in our attitude and approach to others, our genuine interest in them, what makes us joyful, and our willingness to simply try something different, especially when whatever we have been doing has not delivered the goods.

Finally, are you actually READY for a relationship? Sometimes after a break up, we desire someone in our life to ease the pain, but we are not really ready for a relationship, merely an audience. If the other person is more advanced emotionally than you are, you’ll be a mismatch for each other, as you will both be seeking different things, which gradually become apparent. In that case, you are not likely to find a genuine date until YOU have gone past your hurt and have definite room for someone else in your life.