When Your Partner Is Grieving: How to Support Them Without Trying to Fix It

It's instinctive when you see someone grieving to want to help them, to find those magic words or help them get back to normal. Maybe if I do this, they will feel better.

However, your partner is grieving. You can't help them through grief. It will come in stages and can differ each day. They may want to be around you one day and want space the next. One day they can smile about a memory and the next feel devastated by it.

Helping your partner through grief doesn't mean helping them "not" grieve. There are many ways you can help them feel supported during this time.

Don't Try to Find The Magic Words

There isn't a magical phrase that will help someone not feel a sense of loss. Don't try to find one. Both parties will feel uncomfortable trying to figure out what to say. Your partner may not need a speech or silver lining in their grief. Maybe they just want to feel comfortable expressing their grief to you.

"I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no idea what to say but I want you to know I'm here."

"You don't have to sugarcoat your grief with me."

These are examples of sentences that allow you to express your sympathy without knowing what they may be feeling.

Try to stay away from comforting them. Saying something like "everything happens for a reason" can be hurtful to your partner. While you may have good intentions, they may feel as though their loss is not important to you. Express sympathy with statements like "that must be really tough to go through."

Ask What They Want Help With

Everyone experiences grief differently. Your partner may want to spend one day talking about the person that passed and another day just want to relax and eat dinner without thinking about their loss.

Instead of trying to guess what they need, ask. Make the question as simple as possible.

"Do you want me to listen? Help you with something? Or give you space?"

If your partner can't think of what they need, offer them options.

"I can make you dinner, or spend some time with you. I can even do errands for you today. What would you like?"

Giving your partner options makes it easier for them to accept help. Sometimes your partner won't want to bother you or ask for help. They may not even know what they want help with.

If you offer to do something specific, it's easier for them to accept or decline. Instead of "let me know if you need anything," say, "I'm going to the store at 4. Can I grab you some groceries?" If they say no, don't take it personally. You can always offer to help again.

Help Your Partner Feel Heard

If your partner opens up about their grief, listen to what they have to say. There may be underlying feelings of anger, sadness, or confusion.

Allow them to talk. Don't rush through a conversation or fill the silence. Show your partner you're listening by saying, "I'm listening," "I'm sorry that must be painful," or "Tell me more about them."

You can also ask your partner if they want advice or want you to listen. This can help you avoid jumping into solution mode.

If your partner says, "I wish I would've called my dad that night," you may want to respond with, "you couldn't have known that." But maybe your partner wants to discuss their guilt. You could say, "You wish you had more time with your father." Your partner can choose to discuss their feelings further or let it go.

Allow your partner to express themselves without trying to solve their problems.

Help Around The House

Helping your partner with household tasks can help relieve stress that may be causing them grief. Your partner may have calls to make, bills to pay, or things to clean up. Here are some ways you can help:

• Help them cook or deliver food.

• Do one task for them.

• Drive them somewhere they need to go.

• Help them complete a household chore.

• Be around them when they need to complete a task.

Helping your partner doesn't mean doing everything for them. You can ask your partner if they need help with something and allow them to decide what they want help with.

"If you'd like, I can make these calls for you."

If your partner says yes, then ask them what you can do to help. If they say no, tell them, "I'm here if you need me."

You can also offer to help your partner in the future. "I'll check in with you on Sunday." You don't have to ask them to reply back to your message.

Keep In Mind That Grief Will Come Back

Your partner may feel better one day and then another day feel sad about a loss. Grief can strike at any time. Maybe a song reminds them of that person, or something your partner said reminded them. Just because your partner had a happy day doesn't mean they won't have another day of grief.

"It's nice that you had a good day today. Tomorrow may not feel the same."

Know your partner's loved ones' birthdays and holidays. Ask them how they would like to handle these situations. Your partner may want to honor their lost loved one in some way, or they may want to do nothing at all.

Allow Your Partner To Have Space

Your partner may not feel like talking or want to spend time with you. Grief can make your partner pull away from you. Try not to take this as a negative.

You can let your partner know that you want to spend time with them as well. Just don't expect them to know how to help you feel better.

"I know you're grieving and I know you may not have energy for me. I just wanted to let you know I miss us spending time together. Would you like to walk this week?"

By telling your partner that you want to spend time with them, it's opening a dialogue with your partner instead of saying, "You never spend time with me anymore."

Find something that you and your partner can do together. It can be something as simple as drinking tea together or checking in with each other.

Don't forget to ask friends or family if they need support as well.

Things To Say When Helping Your Partner Through Grief

Sometimes it's hard to know what to say. Here are some examples that can help you in those moments:

Your partner cries:

"There's no need to cry if you don't want to."

They don't want to talk about their grief:

"That's okay, I'm here if you want to talk."

Your partner feels guilty:

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Is there something on your mind that you want to talk about?"

Your partner rejects your help:

"That's okay, I won't bug you about it."

You mess up:

"I'm sorry, I was trying to help you. I will just listen from now on."

You are worried about your partner:

"I'm worried about you. Have you thought about speaking with a counselor or doctor about this?"

Ask Your Partner For More Help

You are only one person that can help your partner through grief. If you feel that your partner needs more support than you can provide, ask them if they would like to speak with a doctor or counselor. You can offer to help them look into doctors or support groups.

If your partner expresses that they do not want to live or hurt themselves, ask them if they will harm themselves. Stay with them and call 911 if necessary. If your partner lives in the U.S., you can call or text 988, the suicide & crisis line.

There is no magic pill that will help your partner through grief. All you can do is be there for them and offer support.