The Unexpected Loss Of A Parent

Where to start? Loss is such a complicated subject and being left behind when someone decides to leave, by choice, is earth-shattering and heartbreaking, everything changes and nothing changes at the same time, you still have to live life, be there for others or you stop functioning and that’s an even scarier place to be…

But I don’t want to get too deep, too fast. I want to actually start by talking about who my dad was and what life looked like before “it” happened…

He grew up in the countryside and loved being outside, he loved country music and music in general, he was a trained disability nurse, he was a security guard and a DJ. He was cracking jokes so often and was a good listener. He was also stubborn, had been through a lot, such as losing his parents and other family to illnesses and accidents when young and kept a lot to himself, even when asked to share. He had periods of depression but always got back up, until he didn’t. And there are pages and pages of other things that I could share but want to respect his privacy, seeing as I can never really ask how he feels now.

Life was good, we had money struggles and my parents had their own ups and downs but he loved us and we, along with my two older brothers, definitely loved him, we loved beach trips, from Lincolnshire, to Cornwall and even to Spain. He carried me around Disneyland Paris on his back, when I was a tiny baby, which I only know because I’ve seen the photos of that trip.

Now to Just before it happened, I turned 14 in Summer and school wasn’t an easy place, bullying and drama was more of an everyday, than a random occurrence, my brother’s were older by quite a bit, so had moved out, my dad’s depressions were coming back for longer periods and he was less accepting of help, but this had happened before and my mum was working full-on to support us.

They decided to end the marriage and separate, (something my mum has never really forgiven herself for, even though staying would have been even more detrimental to both herself and to the situation), and we were looking for a place to move, talking about when I would visit him (most days after school, as it was five minutes from my then home).

By September, My mum found a place and we’d started moving things slowly in, there was no rush, we all thought there would be a friendship about it and no real need to hurry away. Then one morning, October 6th, 2006, I was stressed, dad was stressed, my mum was already out and I had a big argument with my dad (sometimes it’s still all I think about and hold guilt over, even though it can’t change). I went out to school, in a hurry, forgetting my keys. I went through the day, annoyed but fine, assuming I’d get in, probably say sorry and all would be over.

But as I got home, I saw the car in the drive and didn’t even look for my keys, I went to open the front door, as it would usually be unlocked if he was home, to find it wasn’t. I then did look for my keys, as I didn’t actually know that I didn’t have them, but with no luck, I tried the back door, no luck, I knocked and knocked, to no answer, I tried to call him, only to see my phone die, this including the next door neighbours ringing the house phone from their’s. I couldn’t get my mum, because I never memorised her number. It was slowly becoming a nightmare and honestly, I thought my dad was just sleeping, do I was angry, the thought of anything worse, barely, just barely crossed my mind.

I was starting to lose hope, the neighbours still with me, when my mum pulled up, with her friend, they’d been buying essentials for the new house, I explained everything to that point, then she told me to sit in her friend’s car and her friend stayed with me and she let herself into the house and immediately started screaming, trying to explain to her friend, but unable. I heard the words “killed himself” and “dead” and the world stopped, I don’t remember this part but my mum called the emergency number, who sent both ambulance and police (normal procedure, apparently).

She then called my grandad. My Dad’s body was removed from the house and my mum grabbed us some essentials and we went to my grandparents house for a night or two, then we moved into the new place, and went back to work for her and school for me. I say this without much emotion, because my emotions were locked down at the time and I still only have shock affected responses to this time.

I genuinely remember not even telling my friends or people at school, until people started asking questions. The newspaper had printed details and people knew my address, as it was so close to school and word got around and around until I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. I actually remember someone asking me, after definitely knowing, if I was going to “hang out with my dad” later in the day, just to be cruel, I’ll still never understand how or why they had the thought that it would be funny, but I knew immediately that I would never be that awful, intentionally. Kindness is so important and if you can’t be kind, really say nothing.

I feel like this has become really long and hard but I do want to go into more detail about the stages of grief and how I experienced them, in this situation but I’ll briefly say that shock and denial and then anger, were the strongest for me. I did have depression stages and acceptance did come with time, but I still get hit with all of these emotions, even now, over fifteen years and a lot of therapy later.

Life went on and now we can talk about him and share memories and even the difficulties we had at the time, but it’s always going to be one of the biggest challenges in our lives. I have gratitude that I am now a particularly patient person and genuinely want to be there for people and it’s definitely made me stronger than before but I’m also more cynical and wary of people.

If you get anything from this experience that I’ve shared, please let it be to ask for help if you need it, help is out there. But to also accept that sometimes, no matter what you do, once some-one has decided, they’ve decided. My dad had spoke about doing it before, but never even attempted, the time he was silent, he did the worst. This isn’t to scare anyone but be there for people, as part of your natural routine, you never know how much someone might need a “thinking of you” message and the power that that can hold.

I do intend to revisit this situation and topic in more writing, as I know I’ve missed things and haven’t worded things in full detail yet, but please know that if you’ve seen this and you need somebody, I’m here, you can definitely reach out, I’d rather have an inbox full of requests for help, than to know that someone felt too alone to stay around.

Please take care, H x