The Top 3 Attachment Styles

The Top 3 Attachment Styles And How It Is Affecting Your Relationships?

Ever wonder what happened in that relationship that started of so beautiful, full of love and closeness and then it suddenly takes a hard turn - like when you are driving a windy road and the driver takes a hard turn and you slam into the door. Ouch! We have all been there at some point, scratching our heads, licking our wounds wondering what the heck just happened. Its a confusing journey and one that has probably kept you up at night wondering WTF happened? What did I do wrong?

What if you did nothing wrong and what if it was about your attachment style that steered you and your person in that direction. If you don't know what your attachment style is I highly recommend reading this book Attached by Dr. Amir Levine, M.D. It is a highly recommend book and can helps solve that mystery and can even help save your relationships.

I will explain the top 3 attachment styles and how it affects your relationships. I am sure you may have heard of different names out there for attachment style, but here I will stick to the broad and basic with these three:

1. Avoidant Attachment Style;
2. Anxious Attachment Style; and
3. Secure Attachment Style.

What Is Your Attachment Style?

1. Avoidant Attachment

This attachment style is one who is fearful of or wary of emotional closeness to others. They have a hard time expressing their emotions and often find expressing themselves in dismissive ways; such as using humor, and anger as ways to deflect how they actually feel. The fear is so real in this attachment group that finding real attachment is scary, because it means being open, vulnerable, and depending on someone.

At an early age they learned that being vulnerable was not acceptable as youngsters. Whether they showed their emotions to a parent or caregiver and it was ignored or shamed. This taught them that they need to be self reliant, and others can't be trusted to truly express their emotions and needs. Being close to others is not essential to this group as they have found that being self reliant is all they need. Often displaying emotions from them or to them can be perceived as a weakness or some sort of manipulation. Keep in mind I am just giving the skinny, please further investigate how these patterns develop.

Hey sweet souls this is not to shit on you, as deep down this attachment wants and craves the love and closeness most of us desire. It is their fear of losing freedom and being truly vulnerable that drives this bus. Awareness is key here and healing those ole patterns is your path to relationship bliss.

How this maybe affecting your relationship? Well this sweet soul might show up in your relationship can be confusing and easily misread. They have a hard time expressing their emotions, especially if they are triggered. Anger is easier for them and this can show up out of their own frustration or hurt. I know it doesn't make sense, but understanding how this person works will help you not get activated. Understanding that they often need time and space to recover. That they need to feel safe in that space with you. Other things that they might do is withhold affection. Again its the thing of being close to someone. If you are with one of these souls to remember it is not because they don't love you, it is their attachment style that has been activated. Finding out what triggers them and you and finding a way to communicate will help.

Anxious Attachment

This attachment style also can be called preoccupied or insecure. It is important to know this terms as it helps explain this souls attachment style. This person tends to seek love and security outside of themselves. They have a tendency to be "outside of themselves" and preoccupied of other people other than themselves. They become fearful a person may leave if they don't hear from them right away, or hypervigilant and looking for signs of abandonment for example. This constant seeking for signs of someone leaving them and needing lots of reassurance runs this bus.

How did this attachment style may have developed? Well similar to the avoidant about not getting their needs met as a child. The type of environment that creates an anxious attachment is one of neglect, abuse, inconsistent caretaking, and lacking a safe place. Something like having a parent with substance abuse issues for example. This can lead to codependency which is also referred to this style. Imagine a baby crying for food, and the mother doesn't come to feed it. In a situation where there is security the baby would know mother is coming and grow to develop secure bonds with her and others. In the situation the anxious baby doesn't know and can't not attach or bond and this continues into adult hood.

How this attachment style maybe affecting your relationship? Well this sweet soul shows up in relationship is often seeking reassurance that could show up as being "needy". This sweet soul has a harder time regulating their emotions and their fear. This fear can trigger their anxiety and cause mental health issues such as insomnia, and depression. The hypervigilance aka being super sensitive does not help. Because of their past they can't help but look for signs of someone not loving them, or that they are going to leave them. Signs like not calling back right away, or not being affectionate, and spending time with them. Its like this, they have been conditioned this way by their past and all they want is love, however this is deeply rooted in their attachment style. This sweet soul can benefit from cognitive behavior therapy. Learning not to lean into those fears, or to not look for those signs of lack of love or abandonment. They need to learn to self regulate, and put themselves first and take care of their needs. As mentioned before this person often puts others before themselves, and will sacrifice their own needs to make others happy.

How one can help this group is to recognize if they have been triggered and to work through the trigger. A little reassurance and some love but to encourage their love to lean into love and trust.

Secure Attachment

This sweet soul is secure within themselves and they feel safe in close relationships. They are generally warm, easy to get along with, and know how to navigate uncomfortable feelings.

They grew up in an environment where they felt safe, their needs were met, their feelings were validated, and they receive the support and guidance to explore as individuals.

Some of anxious and avoidant styles may carry some of these traits as I have mentioned before you can be a mixture. However when triggered they will go into the dominate attachment style.

How this attachment style could be affecting your relationship? This beautiful soul shows up differently than anxious and avoidants. They have the capacity to lean in when things get bumpy and are not afraid to. They also have the ability to self regulate. This is really important as anxious and avoidants can have a harder time self regulating those fears and can have reactions that cause friction in the relationship. They know and can see when the other maybe struggling and can help guide the other partner with love and reassurance. Not say these guys are perfect but they are more adjusted. I love this article that I am attaching about secure styles. It is a great read. Project Attachment.

No matter what style you are we can all learn to be better for ourselves and our partners.

Good news! There are always tools to heal and work through those triggers. Thank goodness for the internet and even better yet Youtube. If you want to learn more about your styles and healing tools check out this youtuber Breanne MacWilliam. She is awesome and explains it really well.

About about me. I am a Clinical Certified Hypnotherapist. I am passionate about helping others find their healing path, find happiness and peace and healthy loving relationships. You can find me www.Hildamollenhoff.com and on Instagram for more helpful tips.

Much love.

Hilda