The Five Stages of Emotional Abuse

Unlike physical abuse, which results in scars, bruises and property damage, emotional abuse tends to be quiet and secretive. In fact, a smart manipulator could erode your self-esteem for years before you realize what's going on. After all, they don't want you to walk away; they want you to become a silent vessel for their trauma and rage.

I've known a lot of toxic people, and while they all came from different backgrounds, I noticed a consistent pattern in their abuse. The timeline varied--one manipulator stayed in the early stages for three years, while another jumped to insults in a matter of weeks--but it all led to the same violent, abrupt conclusion.

With this in mind, I wanted to map out their patterns so that you can catch on and (hopefully) get out as soon as possible. This guide focuses on romantic relationships, but friends can follow the same pattern and cause just as much damage. If you suspect that you're stuck in this cycle, talking to a therapist could help you cut your losses and move on with your life.

1. Lovebombing

Manipulators know that they need to give you a reason to stay through it all. For this reason, they shower you with praise, gifts and personal attention while hiding their toxicity behind a bubbly persona. They smile easily, gush about your accomplishments and appear to take a casual, laid-back approach to life, making it easy for you to open up.

On paper, this behavior might sound easy to spot. Unfortunately, most manipulators are also great actors. They seem so genuinely sweet, humble and affectionate that you can't imagine them throwing a tantrum or discarding you when they get bored--and that's exactly what they want you to believe.

The lovebombing stage is a lot of fun, but it doesn't last forever. Your partner is waiting for you to get attached so that they can start introducing the abuse without driving you away. At that point, they want you to think that the sweet, bubbly angel is the "real" them, and it's your job to fawn and apologize until they switch back.

2. Pulling Away

In a healthy relationship, the grand romantic gestures eventually fade, leaving you with a steady relationship that might be less exciting--but it's also more mature and consistent. However, abusers don't want a healthy relationship. Instead, they want to keep you confused and distressed as they mold you into the perfect victim.

Still, they know they can't launch into screaming and insults right away. If they're particularly crafty, they'll start slowly dropping the mask and slipping in behaviors like these:

• Casually insulting or dismissing you
• Developing a cold, distant attitude
• Ghosting you with no warning
• Subtly mocking you
• Testing your boundaries
• Becoming increasingly critical and negative
• Contradicting things they said before

To keep you in the dark, they'll balance out these seemingly out-of-character incidents with the occasional gift, compliment or supportive conversation. This leads you to believe they were in a bad mood earlier, but they're back to normal now. Of course, it's not long before they're back to rolling their eyes at you or dismissing your opinions as "dumb."

If you notice the change and bring it up in the early stages, they may apologize and resume the lovebombing for a brief, temporary period. You'll probably hear an excuse, such as, "I've just been stressed about finals this week!" Once you hit the later stages of your relationship, they're more likely to explode in your face to keep you from questioning them again.

When your partner really wants to mess with you, they'll rapidly switch between compassion and coldness, sometimes in the same conversation. At times, a sweet remark or gentle assurance seems like a subtle apology for earlier behavior. Unfortunately, this is just another way to exert control over you. Your abuser is never truly sorry.

3. Bullying

Once they've eroded your boundaries, isolated you from your loved ones, insulted you repeatedly and damaged your psyche, your manipulator starts to get cocky. Since you've tolerated everything else, they're confident that they can do anything and you won't walk away. All traces of sweetness are gone; now, they're on their worst behavior.

In this stage, you have no idea what to expect. Your partner may criticize you, spew out insults, throw fits over nothing, trauma dump relentlessly, take their anger out on you, manipulate your emotions and demand favors while offering nothing in return. They also become bitter and negative, rejecting your attempts to talk about anything positive.

This is upsetting, but thanks to their earlier tricks, you're afraid to push back: partially because you've seen how they explode when you bring up a minor issue, and partially because you're hoping that this is all temporary and they'll eventually become a sweetheart again. It's your job to stand by your partner through everything--and, when this is all over, they'll thank you and treat you to the whirlwind romance that you crave. Right?

Once in a while, you'll see a glimpse of the care and consideration that they showed you in the early stages. This gives you hope that they're starting to change--but, inevitably, it only takes a small misunderstanding or a mood shift for your partner to send you reeling again. Your relationship was a lost cause from day one.

4. Exploding

While you've been trying to save your relationship, your partner has been growing increasingly resentful. There's a good chance that they've been badmouthing you behind your back, and as their anger, bitterness and frustration continue to build, it's only a matter of time before they erupt into their final meltdown.

The spark that triggers their explosion can vary, but in my experience, it usually happens when you commit the greatest crime of all: lightly pushing back against their abuse. This can be as simple as disagreeing with them or politely trying to set a boundary. Whatever the case, you've violated every "law" they set for the relationship, and their growing rage turns into a firestorm.

Their explosion may contain everything they can throw at you: insults, accusations, violent threats, screaming fits, property damage and more. At the end of their tirade, they might announce that the relationship is over. Of course, they'll later regret this decision, but they don't see that in the heat of the moment.

With the mask finally gone, they've revealed the monster underneath--and they know it, too. After all this time, they finally went too far and alienated the one person who stood by them through everything. Unfortunately, it's not over yet. As you look back at your relationship and examine the warning signs that you missed, your abuser slinks off to plan their next move.

5. Disappearing

At this point, toxic people have two options. Sometimes, they'll disappear from your life and move on to another target. Other times, they'll lie low for a few weeks, then hit you with a casual "Hey, what's up?" like nothing happened. If they don't think you'll go for that, they'll toss in an apology that could range from a couple of sentences to an essay-length screed.

Make no mistake: your manipulator is definitely sorry, but they're not sorry that they hurt you. Rather, they're sorry that you're not around to absorb their insults anymore. They might sound convincing, but if you accept their apology, they won't change for you. Instead, they'll just restart the cycle of abuse from the beginning.

Maybe this is the perfect time to get your revenge. Cursing them out and telling them how much they hurt you will make them understand your pain, right? In fact, this just gives them a window to manipulate the situation, fawn over you, insist that they've changed and creep back into your life. Any response, even a negative one, is an opportunity.

As someone who's been in this situation multiple times, I urge you not to fall for it. Just block them and move on. They can shower you with compliments and guilt trips, but if they had truly changed, they'd let you live your life instead of barging in when you're most vulnerable.

Despite what your abuser might tell you, you're not unlovable. A toxic person is not the best you can do. You deserve a mature, steady relationship with open communication, honest compassion, and patience and understanding--and once you've found that person, you'll realize what you were missing out on.

Have you been in an abusive relationship? What are your thoughts on this cycle? Let me know in the comments.