The bane of my existence

What happens when you put an insanely competitive, extremely confident, highly sensitive, consistently anxious, occasionally paranoid, and sometimes destructively grandiose individual in chaotic environments for two decades? A walking affirmation of all the beautiful and ugly ways the existence of mankind has, is, and will be justified. The model from which roles are created, and a model that grants pre-existing role models the trials through which they can be purified. Contrary to the contents presented so far and the implications of the answer to the opening question, that same individual is a walking contradiction. Simply because of the constant overthinking and the inescapable feelings of impostor syndrome. Nonetheless, I am that and that, I most certainly am.

Moving on, I have learned to cherish the process of writing because it is a difficult one. The degree of difficulty is always subjective, but it is a skill that will hopefully make me feel more secure intellectually. Whenever I pick up the pen, I strive to answer one question and in doing so I am not paralyzed or at least held captive by the paradox of choice. It is a simple question but can be used in any scenario to further understand something or at least gain clarity. The question is, Am I writing to inform, share intangible and valuable insights, or free myself from thinking about intrusive thoughts? Once I find a satisfactory answer, I then decide whether to present what I have through a story or a one-sided conversation. When I go the ‘conversation’ route and if I structure the sentences properly, the reader will inevitably find something they disagree with. When that happens, it is usually an indication that I might get a chance to sharpen my saw. However, a quote from ‘The Dawn’ by Friedrich Nietzsche describes precisely what I mean by “sharpen my saw”. “The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently”.

Furthermore, I hope the reader is of the kind that finds talking without saying much as distasteful as I do. That they prefer not to subject their precious time and attention to unnecessary suffering that comes from engaging in those intellectually crippling and torturous conversations. If you, the person currently reading, is not of the kind mentioned above then I highly recommend you stop immediately. This recommendation is an opportunity to honor the vow I made to myself. A vow to respect the time of those with a refined taste for what is truly rich. Consequently, I now welcome the real ones and ask that you enjoy yourself. As I began to explore the unknown, the dessert beyond good and evil, and lastly the sea where the concept of time and space do not exist, I realized boredom was being desensitize to the present. I decided I did not want to be bored anymore. The result of that decision is what I’ve listed below. Reading and conceptualizing the things on this list is unfortunately not enough. Imagination might grant you a better view of their true value, but ultimately what you need is to experience them. That is the only way I’ve managed to ease the underlying feelings of uncertainty.

1. Regard everything in this world as natural.

2. Extract beauty from the mundane/monotonous when its arrogance about the progress it ensures threatens your will.

3. Understand how what is now obvious, once wasn’t, and only is because we are no longer enamored by the power of innocence.

4. Hold yourself accountable when cut by a thorn, and if the cut becomes a scar be sure to appreciate it. Do both adequately and you’ll have captured the essence of being handed a rose.

5. To truly understand a person or to be understood, all you must do is… yeah right.

6. Learn to find joy in someone else’s excitement. The child within them is nearby.

7. Remember that you reveal the identity of your desires and intentions during a stimulating conversation.

8. Come to know yourself not only from a place of acceptance, but also judgement.

9. Remind yourself to breathe and stay calm. Once you can see with your ears, listen with your eyes, and memorize with your skin, it can be overwhelmingly exhausting spiritually.

10. You will say “Fuck it” and you will eventually get “Fucked”, but you can’t say “Fuck me”. Remind yourself “It’s Fucked”, and maybe the next time you will “Fuck Around” instead.