Her life was an abyss. Dark, empty and cold. It all started when she was just a little girl. Her mom's dead body lay in front of her with blood everywhere. She was covered in her mom's blood but little did she know that would be the last time she would see her mother. You see, she was only five years old. So she really couldn't comprehend what was going on around her. All she knew was that now she had to listen to her brother. He was nine and her role model. The only thing he told her was that she had to change her clothes. So she did. And while she did that, her brother placed a blanket over their mother. Then this tall man came inside the house a couple minutes later. He acted as if everything was okay. We did the same, too. We said nothing. We lived life as normal people. The only difference is....normal people do not have a dead body in their home. It took a while before people actually knew that our mother was dead. But the tall man got arrested and mommy had her body burnt.
As the bottle of whiskey I'd swiped from my mother’s stash got lower I could feel myself going numb. The fear of where I was going slowly slipped away and there was room for nothing more than the anticipation of who I was going to see. My feet felt as if they were slipping away from me as I stumbled past the cookie cutter homes. The trees that looked as identical as the houses during the day turned to villainous shapes of demons in the night.
I can't say that I understand what women go through, but as a dude who dates dudes, I can say that I understand the expectation that guys have had for me: to be smooth all over, have my hair and outfit perfect, keep my skin 100% blemish free, put out — all the time — or risk losing their interest.
The next morning I didn’t wake up to go to school. I don’t know why. I just didn’t. Stella, our maid, came into my room to call me more than once, and asked me if I was ill or something. She took my temperature. I had no fever. Then my father came in. He said:
There are gay people in our congregations. Who love God and who are deeply loved by Him. They worship the Father in all sincerity and truth and are at peace with themselves.
My husband was recently diagnosed as having Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). At first, I was immensely relieved by his diagnosis – we both were. For all the major miscommunications and resultant disagreements we’d had that led us to an assessment, we had started to think that either he had to be wired a bit differently or of late, we were both more irrational in each other’s company than Donald Trump is...in general. After our initial ‘aha!’ moment had passed, I began writing to various Autism support organizations thinking that surely, they’d be able to guide us in forging a way forward despite our utterly different approaches to life.
All my life, starting so early in my childhood, have I always been made to feel as if I'm not good enough. For anything, from not being good enough at being a child, not good enough to be friends with, not good enough as a sister, not good enough as a daughter, not good enough to be cast aside from my sexual assaulter so he could go after my sister. Not good enough for my biological father and his family to stay in my life, instead if abandoning my mother and I shortly after birth, not good enough for my adopted father to acknowledge me as his own. No, never have I been good enough, but I knew one day I would. From all those years of lack of love, it was building up for when I was a mother. I'd be plenty good enough to my children, and that is what kept me fighting; smiling with my head up high.
The wonders of the modern age are numerous; we have been able to land on the moon, cure or treat a whole host of diseases and create pocket computers. Yet we still cling to the stupid belief that women are somehow inferior. They are not and men have only created this impression out of fear.
This will not be pretty. There will be mounds of pain, some my fault but mostly not. It doesn't end in happiness. In fact, I don't think it even really ends at all.
When the rainy weather passed, days of sun and heat took their place as May turned into June.