Support or enablement?

Recently, I came across a post on social media. Someone had clearly just gone through a bad friend breakup, and lamented that they had still stayed friends with this person--despite this person giving them plenty of warning that they did not care about other people. They held on hope that their kindness could change them. It didn't.

This was relatable to me, because I had been in the exact same situation. I don't want to go into too many gritty details, but essentially it's exactly as this other person put it. I cut them off for my own mental health. I felt trapped and smothered by them. I felt like I was on eggshells whenever I was around them. I felt responsible for their moods. I felt I wasn't allowed to progress or improve in life, otherwise I was "abandoning" them. It was not a good place to be in. It was hard to cut this person off, after we had been friends for about two years. But it was necessary for me and my own mental health.

I wandered into the comments of this other person's post, hoping to leave some support of my own. But I caught a glimpse of what other people had to say.

"It sounds like they have ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) they're not a bad person, they can't help what they do. Just be patient. uwu"

"So tired of cluster B personality disorders being villainized."

"You should have stayed with them, they're clearly struggling."

"That's kinda hot..."

Well, needless to say, this irked me.

Before I continue, I do need to preface that this is a piece that I am a little hesitant to write. I've always tried to be a "safe" person for people with mental illnesses to go and not feel judged. I understand being sympathetic towards people with mental illness. I know and love a lot of people--myself included--with mental illness. And I'm not just talking about the "acceptable" ones either, like depression and anxiety. I know and love people who have got PTSD, borderline personality, schizophrenia, eating disorders, varying degrees of bipolar disorder. Possibly plenty of others I don't know about. Yet, I can still maintain a good relationship with these people, and am able to offer them support in a way that doesn't feel like I'm giving parts of myself away.

Not only do I believe they are good people--I know they are good people. I've seen and heard for myself what they want in life. Most of them care for other people in a way that is very sincere and pure. They still understand boundaries and when they are crossed. They still try their hardest to be good friends and family members. They try their best in spite of their troubles. Having their disorders do not make them bad people. Yes, they sometimes have flare-ups and relapses. I understand that they cannot always control how they react to certain things. But I would never consider them abusive or toxic by any stretch of the imagination.

Furthermore, I agree that there is a stigma around disorders like antisocial personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. The truth is, there actually are plenty of people with these disorders who seek therapy and counseling so that they can be better people. People with these disorders are not monsters or murderers waiting to happen. They are not automatically terrible people just because of their disorders. Just like everyone else in the world, it is their actions that dictate the kind of person they are.

That said, I think in our quest to be more open-minded towards those with mental illness, we can sometimes accidentally enable some more unsavory behavior. Yes, my former friend and the friend of the online poster, may not have been bad people because of their disorder. But that doesn't make the ways they've hurt people okay. Saying otherwise, is victim blaming. It sounds harsh, but I can't think of any other word for it. If you side with an abuser just because they have mental illness, then you are blaming the victim. Additionally, I believe you need to re-evaluate how much you truly care about helping people with mental illness.

Do you know how many mental disorders are kickstarted because of abuse? We all know that PTSD and other general anxiety disorders are staples of people who have been abused. But abuse victims are also at a much higher risk of developing things like substance use disorders, depression, eating disorders, various personality disorders, and more. The mental health of the person being abused matters too. And if you want to advocate for mental health, getting an abuse victim out of an abusive situation seems way more helpful than more or less telling them "Um actually, you're the problem for wanting to leave your abuser."

The abuser's mental status shouldn't matter: Abuse is abuse. If you believe it is their mental illness's fault, then you need to encourage them to get help instead of enabling their behavior and blaming their relapses on everyone else. That's helping them more than letting their behavior continue to go unchecked. Doing that will only further isolate them from everyone who has tried to be patient and understanding with them. That isn't helpful to anyone.

You can--and should--acknowledge that mental illness =/= monstrosity; and still understand that there's no virtue in tolerating toxic behavior. People being hurt by others don't need to just "suck it up" or "accept" their abuser "the way they are." They have every right to leave any relationship that is hurting them. If someone has severe mental illness as a result of being abused, would you tell them to just stick it out and be patient with the person who hurt them? No? Then don't say it to someone who is being abused by someone who just happens to be mentally ill. It's still not okay.