An Open Letter to The Girl I Wished Had Still Shown Up.

I do not know if you will ever read this. I do not know if you have already forgotten about me.

I hope you do find this somehow and read this knowing that you weren't just some other girl off a dating app to me. And that not every girl is the same and I truly felt so much hope in the potential of getting to know you, more hope than I had felt in a very long time even with meeting so many others along the way.

I hope that you don't just close the tab right away because I think that these are words that you need to hear and if we never talk again this is everything that I would have wanted to say to you. I hope you know it is not in me to attack or be harsh or hurtful so this is not going to be that.

I don’t know what set you off, what highly triggered you to react so abruptly and suddenly. I don't know what automatically made you feel so unsafe that you felt the need to cut me off to an extreme.

I wish that you had just talked to me and I don’t really understand why you didn’t. You said you felt safe with me too and I know that in the time that we talked I never did anything intentionally to ever made you feel like I wouldn’t be understanding, approachable, or calmly communicate about something with you.

I never showed you any judgement or volatile nature in who I am because that isn’t who I am and I feel like you should have known that. I never showed you anything that should have made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me even if it was about something negative or something that made you feel uneasy all I ever tried to covey was unconditional support for your individuality, your intellectual mind, and your emotions.

I only ever wanted what you told me you wanted which was transparency in the truest sense, through the good and the bad and the confusion and the clarity of the journey of us getting to know each other. I’m not even angry now or harbor any hard feelings towards what happened. It has just been more confusion and hurt because I felt like I was left blindsided and baffled.

And even though we only knew each other a few days, I had felt a level of safety and security in those days that I had forgotten when it felt like until you reminded me. And if I have any read on your true character, I know that you know I deserved more than how things were handled.

I am sorry for what is was that you felt by whatever it was that triggered you. I am sorry if you did not feel heard or seen when you felt highly triggered by the accident that you said reminded you of a bad accident a few years back. I am sorry that my response wasn't maybe the perfect response that you needed in that moment.

I don't know if maybe it was the fact that you felt like if you hadn't tried to come and meet me that it wouldn't have happened and that I was somehow to blame for the accident and that was enough for you to throw away the connection we had.

I responded as best as I knew in how I would want someone to show up to be there for me. I am sorry if you felt like I did not care about you when now looking back on things you tried to reschedule and signal to me that you did not want to continue to meet that evening. I am sorry if I came off as pushy instead of understanding when you were in a highly triggered state. I wish that you had simply just been firm with me if you did not truly want to continue meeting if you felt like you weren't in a good place or state to continue instead of initially suggesting we could still meet if I came.

From my perspective, I wanted to meet you that night and I was dead set on making that happen no matter what so I latched onto that idea when it was presented and that is why I was in the moment blind to the fact that I understand looking back I should have been more understanding of you not feeling comfortable and probably feeling triggered by the accident. And I deeply apologize for that oversight on my parts that probably made you feel like I was disregarding and dismissing your feelings.

This is by no means me trying to not take accountability for not doing my best to listen to you and be as understanding as I could have been but this is me communicating that we were both still learning to navigate how we both handle things especially communicating in heightened emotional states or when triggered and I am just saying that I wish you had communicated with me directly instead of giving in to what I wanted and then things going down how they did.

I wish you had still shown up regardless of what you felt and what you thought. I wish you had respected me enough to still show up to not leave me driving aimlessly for nothing that I thought was something.

I wish that if it was assumptions and judgments of who you think I am was what made you change your mind so suddenly that you would have allowed yourself to base who you know me to be on who I have shown you. I wish that you would have allowed yourself to create your own perceptions and opinions about me based solely on who you had gotten to know in the heart in me, in my mind, and the parts that I had shown you and not just on the image of me that I choose to show to the world. I wish that you would have felt that no matter what you saw you still would have known that I was worth it to meet in person at least once before you made any true judgements as to who you thought I was and my character.

I wish that if you had felt like we were two different and didn't think that we could still have potential or find ways to support each other regardless of the things we love and enjoy in life that you would have just communicated that. I was very aware of the fact that we both are very different in the things that we choose to express ourselves creatively, find happiness in, and do for fun but the difference is that I never saw those things as deal breakers or things that were bad. I saw those as ways that I could learn to love you better, support you in the things you love, and find ways to continue to show you that I supported your sense of individuality. I never needed or wanted us to be the same or even love the same things but to help expose each other to new things and support each other in the things we both love.

In full honesty, I truly appreciate how passionate you were about the hobbies that you shared with me. I loved how authentic you were and how sure of yourself you were. You impressed me in so many ways and that is not something that I say often as I am not one easily impressed but I mean that with my whole heart.

Because I do not ever look for in people to be the same way as me or have the same hobbies, I looked for what actually matters which is who someone is at their core, their integrity, their character, their maturity, their emotional intelligence, their empathy, their intellectual capacity, and your ability to communicate. That is what I truly looked for and valued with you and what gave me so much hope.

For the first time in a long time, I felt this inherent sense of being able to fully be myself from the start and being appreciated and seen for it, I felt safe. I felt this understood sense of this feeling that I could trust you even though I barely knew you I felt like I could and I never felt like I had to walk on egg shells or had to questions things with you.

And I thought that you felt that to so that is why it has been so confusing to be as to what you felt triggered by or what happened that made you want to instantly just throw all that away, just give up without giving me the courtesy or respect to even address it to me. Because I feel like you had to know that I am mature enough and have enough emotional intelligence to handle anything you needed to talk to me about whether it was in my favor or not. I felt like you would have known that I was healthy enough for you to be able to talk to about anything without taking it personally or getting defensive. Because I had that confidence in you and I thought we were on the same page until you showed me that all of the sudden we weren't.

I wish that even if you just felt like we were too different that we were able to meet. I wish that we would have still been able to have one last conversation. I wish that I was able to have said these words to you in person and not over a computer screen. I wish I was still able to give you that hug, hugs.

I wish that you would have given me the benefit of the doubt of whatever it was that made you feel so strongly, at least for one night.

I wish that we had more time to have gotten to know each other. I wish that you didn't feel the need to block me instantly on everything and had known that you could have communicated and I would have respected your boundaries and wishes and not been the kind of girl to bother you if we decided it wasn't going to be a fit even if I thought otherwise.

I wish that you didn't feel the need to try to erase your entire existence so suddenly from my life as if our connection was just some another fleeting ocean wave that comes and goes with the tide. At least, I know that on my end that was not how I felt about our connection.

I wish that your heart didn't have to feel the pain that it has had to feel and experience.

I wish that you knew that you were one of the most special souls that I have met in a long time. I wish you knew that in the short time I got to know you that I think you are so incredibly intelligent and remarkable. I have so much respect for the woman that you are, I have since the moment I met you. I wish you knew how long it has been since I believed in someone being on the same level as me internally. I wish you knew how truly intrigued I was by you and how much I deeply admired how you handled yourself and articulated your thoughts. I wish that I had gotten to know your heart more and show you what it truly meant and felt like to feel loved like you deserve.

I wish that you had known that you are someone who makes an impact and while I do not know if you've already completely forgotten about me, you aren't someone that people just forget about regardless the time frame.

I never wanted anything but to get to know you, learn to understand you, and learn how you needed to be loved. It hurts my heart to feel like for some reason you didn't feel safe or seen.

I wish that you had known that while it may have just been a few days that I know connections like that are like Halley's comet especially in today's day and age and I will forever appreciate what you reminded me still exists in the world that I had forgotten and for the hope you did bring back into my life.

I wish that I could have been the person who truly made you feel safe enough not to feel trigger to shut down but I hope that you find someone who gives you that in the ways that you need.

I will let you go because that is what you've shown me you want but my hope is that if you read these words that you find comfort and safety in them and knowing that I am the same person that you had gotten to know as someone calm, genuine, and healthy thats intentions were only ever pure.