"Alone" doesn't always mean "lonely"

Recently I saw a TikTok of a girl crying on a train while looking at an elderly man who was sitting alone, adjacent to her. (I'm not going to post it here because it was from a smaller creator, and I don't want to indirectly send hate their way.) The caption was praising this girl (the poster's sister) for having such a huge heart for feeling compassion for an old man. Other comments were praising her for being an empath and understanding his "pain" so much.

The only thing is: This man didn't look like he was in pain. Quite the opposite, actually. He was just peacefully looking out the window of his train, blissfully unaware that some empathic martyr was having a breakdown on his behalf just a few feet away.

For some reason, this video, and the comments, ignited a strange rage in me that I didn't even know I had. What was "empathetic" about this girl projecting her own made up scenarios about this man's life onto him? Nothing. She didn't know this man or his life story. How does she know he isn't happily married and just taking a train ride alone for relaxation? The thing is, she doesn't know. Because she doesn't know him. And she didn't ask. She just saw an old man sitting alone on a train and assumed he must be sad and lonely because--he's old and alone? This man simply existing on his own terms made her sob. Imagine not being able to just exist peacefully on your own without some weirdo being sad about it. I don't know, sounds miserable to me.

As someone who loves my alone time, I hate this misconception that people who are alone must be drowning in loneliness. And it made me think of all the times well-meaning people just back-handedly insulted me by being overtly friendly to me while I was alone, because they just assumed I must have been miserable. But the thing is: Not everyone hates being alone. For some people, it's a reward for having to mask their true selves at work. For some people, it's how they brainstorm and come up with new ideas. For some people, they need that time alone to re-energize so they can be social later.

Now I can already see some people saying that I'm one of "those" introverts who thinks I'm superior just for being an introvert. I'm not. In fact, those kinds of people annoy me as much as the self-proclaimed "empaths" who can't seem to use their superpower of feeling other people's pain to know that I'm not enjoying forcing conversation with them. I respect extroverts. Honestly, I envy them and their energy. I don't glorify being a hermit. I have a healthy social life and friends whom I communicate with daily. I have even been known to *gasp* attend social events and not complain the whole time about wanting to go home.

But the fake empaths being "sad" for people who are alone just enjoying their time, need to be told this: You're not being empathetic--you're projecting. Empathy is knowing what someone is going through and putting yourself in their shoes. It isn't ASSUMING you know what they feel, just because that's how YOU would feel. That's actually the opposite of empathy--that's incredibly selfish. Your feelings aren't the same as everyone else's.

It reminds me of a good point my college communications teacher once made about the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have done unto you."

"That's the most selfish bulls*** ever!" She said, "You don't do to people what YOU want done to you. You ask what THEY want and how you can best help THEM. What you would want might not be what they need." And, well, she's right.

Are some people who are alone also lonely? Yeah, of course. So what should you do if you are concerned for someone? Approach them politely and offer--but don't force--your kindness. (Example: "You can come join me and my friends, if you'd like. You don't have to, but if you change your mind, we're here.") The invitation is there if they want to accept it, but there's no feeling of obligation.

What you should NEVER do is what someone did to me once, and sadly, I've seen happen to plenty of other people who are just minding their business: In my early twenties, I went to a church by myself and often sat alone. I didn't mind it. I appreciated people who would talk to me and invite me to sit with them. But I chose to sit alone because that was what I wanted.

Well, one day, some girl walked up to me in the middle of the meeting, grabbed my wrist, said "You're sitting with us," in a low--honestly, kind of demanding-- voice, paraded me ACROSS the chapel in front of everyone, and plopped me down with her and a bunch of people I didn't know. I could tell she thought she was doing a good deed. But for me, it was embarrassing. I wasn't self-conscious about my being alone before--but I definitely was now! It was humiliating and infuriating. I stopped going to that church pretty soon afterwards.

Now, to be fair: I do believe this person--and other people who do similar things--truly, in their heart of hearts believed they were being kind. But, I'm just going to be real: It's not the right way to go about it.

After the Columbine massacre, there was a big push in schools to "reach out" to the "weird" kids to prevent something so horrible from ever happening again. And while well intended, let's just think about this for a second: Imagine you're in high school--which is already miserable enough on its own. But now people are befriending you in droves--not because they like you or have anything in common with you--but because they think of you as "that weird, quiet kid." Honestly, I think I would prefer just feeling lonely over having "frienships" made purely on the pretense that I spare their life if I were to go berserk one day. Perhaps I, too, am projecting my own feelings onto some hypothetical person--But that seems way more isolating, than just being alone.

If you're going to be friends with someone, do it because they seem like a cool person and you get along with them--not because you view them as some "project". It's not kind or empathetic--it's dehumanizing. Seeing someone alone in one setting, doesn't mean they are always alone. You may not enjoy being alone, but that doesn't mean everyone else feels the same. If you want to be seen as someone with a heart of gold, respect the feelings of others, even if you don't understand them yourself. If you want to reach out to someone, do it respectfully, and leave room for them to comfortably say no.

Don't force people out of their comfort zone just so you can have a moment of feeling like a good person. Don't make yourself a martyr at the expense of someone else's pride. Don't try and force a friendship with someone whom you have no connection with. It's not helping, it's actually making things needlessly awkward and miserable.

I know you mean well. But, if you're concerned, ASK--don't assume.