Sleep, dream, love maybe

I constantly sit in abstract awe of dark roses under moonlit skies

Here, within this secret garden of my inner tormented self

I ponder the deep caverns and cavities of my heart

How they yearn and long for that which exists somewhere

out of time, where others seem to access it so very freely

But is it not then for me?

This lust, hunger and thirst for the wonder of fulfillment

Is this the thing we color fancifully and bequeath as love

This elusive thing which renders us idiotic, imbecilic and mad

It visits the heart and throws the world into chaos

Many a sane individual has become of murderous intent

Later to lament the obsequious nature of love's tempestuous sea

How they laugh happily as they wile away the days

The gladsome others whose lives fritter away in glorious bliss

Why can't I grasp and hold on to this elusive enigmatic entity

In truth, there were moments when love came to be by my side

And found paradise in secreted moments of heavenly overtures

When angelic music played, and angels sang and danced in jubilation

Celebrating the perfection attained by a fully filled and happy heart

But alas, temporary was its magic, as it flittered like smoke lost to air

So too has it visited in midnight dreams of charming fantasy

Wonderful have been the trysts and goings on in joyous imaginings

But wakefulness brought bitter longings, angry at sleep's deceit

Oh!!! Speak not to me of this many splendored thing, which is quaintly named and called love!

For sometimes I have sprouted wings and flown hastily away from her

So too, has she hastily hied and darted away to whence I cannot say

He loves me, he loves me not! She loves him, she loves him not! Maybe!!!

I pluck the petals of the rose and one by one they fall to the earth. The very last one ends on 'he loves me not'.

Life is like a game of chance as we arise each day and our eyes open to the same old and the familiar. Yes, we have again awakened to a brand new day, a day which will probably, most likely be a carbon copy of the day before, and the day before that.

Then somewhere between awaking and returning to the escape and peace of home and sleep, a bolt of lightning strikes and LOVE has entered the equation.

The mask it wore was beautiful. Angels again sang beatitudes of wonderous songs, as the entire universe changed from frames of blah and beige to the effervescent radiance of a thousand million fragrant floral bouquets. Frizzante and magnificent shades of greens, reds, oranges and purples mixed within a glorious mousseux of scintillating and sparkling vivaciousness. It formed ebullient shades of vibrant colors, taking one's breath away in complete awe and unfiltered fascination.

For good or bad, for better or worse...One has FALLEN into LOVE.

Birds sing, flowers bloom, the sun shines blindingly despite the day being completely cloudy with a chance of rain. Giggles, as downcast bashful eyes flutter with sideways glances of demure, shy expectations from his limpid pools of fathomless presuppositions.

I am so much 'in love', I forget to eat. I grow lean and tapered, my form feels elegant and oh so sleek. Ravishingly, I become omnipotent from deep within and my skin glows like a newborn babe's innocent behind. I am reborn, falling asleep wrapped in soothing clouds of mindless joy and infatuated buoyant bliss.

For as such is the nature of new found love!

Two years, three, four; who knows how many, later, there he sat in that cafe, another now stares at him with the same long forgotten glow of love upon a younger face. Our busy lives had rendered us numb, life's many demands of either one or the other had doused cold water upon the burning flames and my, how it had sputtered and coughed, trying so hard to hold on to its burning, dying embers of life as it ebbed and waned into nothingness.

I stood gazing in, he looked up and pain flickers in two pairs of forgotten now remembered long ago-s. He nods, I too nod and I walk away. We both know that the end was inevitable, it had begun long before now.

Yet I feel lost, as if a part of me had been severed, like phantom limbs where once there had been vibrant life. He hurries to catch up. Not a word is exchanged as he gently hugs me, I hug him back. He spins on his heels and returns from whence he had come. I take a deep breath and walk to the nearby cinema, they are playing a violent drama, where people beat themselves to a pulp. This is strangely satisfying, me living my feelings vicariously through the angry actors upon the screen.

Amidst the many splendors, there is a wide variety of un-splendored roads associated with LOVE. Humans need the warmth of other humans.

Why then must the best of feelings wax and wane between finding, keeping and losing this elusive, fleeting, magical and painful thing.

Forgive me if the only way that I can honestly refer to this thing is completely in the most abstract of ways, for facing those feelings head on is an uphill battle of enormous pain filled proportions.

Steel your heart for love or the lack thereof.

Personally, I will opt for the love to be there only when I choose to beckon it come unto me. Maybe somewhere out there is one who will join heart with me and meet me on the same level of thinking as I choose to exist within. For now, I am at peace with myself.

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