Signs

They were there, and I’m curious by nature and like reading them and following them, so I did.

The first one stands out in my memory. We were on the phone, and I was walking down the hall on campus to my car. I told him that my dentist had referred me to a periodontist, and he asked if I was sure it wasn’t pronounced perodontist, that he knew how I am about words and precision.

I said I was fairly certain, but hang on a sec and I’ll check. Typed it into my phone as I came around the corner. Yep, periodontist. Confirmed. You wouldn’t believe the defeat in his voice. When he has strong feelings, I hear the tone of his voice over his words. There’s truth in it, and that’s one of the reasons he can’t (successfully) lie to me. Sometimes that’s a good thing, like that night back in ‘96 or ‘97 when he called me from Hilton Head. Brooke and Allan had to take my keys to keep me from driving to the beach and scouring the island until I found him. It was the longest night— the reception was atrocious, breaking up and dropping the call after he said my name. No one had ever said my name like that before, not even him.

I knew immediately who had him mispronouncing periodontist—could hear her telling him he was saying it wrong, him trusting her. I knew never to trust her when she asked ne to say that our daughter was the result of a one night stand. I knew who she was in that moment. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have kept that to myself.

She was forty years old when they married, and it was his second marriage. The first didn’t end well, but he and I weren’t speaking when that fell apart— he had cut ties and vanished from my life and our daughter’s life after his mother died. It was hard on all of us, and no one handled losing Elizabeth well; it was simply too great a loss to bear. That’s not what this is about.

Despite all of his history, she subscribed to the fantasy of one and only. I would have warned him, but he was so ashamed of his previous choices that he fell headfirst into her childish fantasy. At some point he came to realize what he’d gotten himself into with the Aquinas crowd. Social obligation doesn’t begin to touch what’s required of you in those circles. Cult is too strong of a word, but it’s not due to a shortage of groupthink. The hierarchy is unspoken and absolute. I never wanted any part of it. Sure I’d go to their parties and drink their parents’ liquor in their mansions in high school, but no way in hell was I signing up for being part of The Hill Crowd.

So his voice told me so much that I have no idea what he said. Another sign that stands out was a couple of months later, after our daughter got out of rehab (she’s 27)—that’s why we were in heavy communication; when she was spiraling and drinking herself to death, we reached out to each other to help her. We had no intention of having an affair. I’m happily married. I was and am completely honest about him with my husband, who understands and is not prohibitive, doesn’t try to govern my heart. I don’t care if you approve or not—it’s our marriage, not yours. Mind your business if you want me to continue.

She was singing with her brother’s band at the local university (we live in different states, have for eleven years) at an all day music festival with lots of bands. We were talking a few days before the event, and he said something about having to go. I said something like that should be fun. His “I guess” spoke volumes. He used to have a band, back when we were in our twenties, so I know he’s supportive of the local music scene. I knew that he wasn’t in love with her because I know how he is when he’s in love with someone, and the exhaustion wouldn’t have entered his voice, much less conquered it.

There were other signs, sooner and later than the big show, but that’s all for now.