"She's autistic...she has adhd too." They whisper behind her back as if she isn't standing but a foot away and as if autism somehow makes her deaf as well. She takes a deep breath and keeps walking. It would do no good to confront them. Their small ignorant minds couldn't handle the truth anyway. But still...she carries their words with her. Like a backpack that has too much weight to bear it's just one more thing she adds to her pack of things that float around in her head and that's just the tip of the iceburg. Most people don't know she has these what they call learning disabilities because she doesn't want people to know. Her mother made a large enough deal out of it by taking her to all those doctors. She knows that her mother just wanted to find out why she couldn't understand her studies the way she did when she was young. Why she was so stupid? Oh she'd never say that out loud...her mother didn't have to. That much was implied. Smart people didn't make C's, D's and F's like she did. On top of that she saw the way people looked at her since the diagnoses. These pills didn't help either. And that doctor literally told her mother that he could tell she had asperger's because she wouldn't make eye contact with him. After that, she was sure to look at him directly in his eye the duration of the visit. Idiot...as if just by not looking at a person you can identify what "disabilities" one may or may not have. "What's wrong with you?" That was a good one too. She'd heard that one on more than one occasion. "I'm not sure. What is wrong with me?" She'd think. "Is my brain broken and unfixable?" So she took to hiding it. She wouldn't tell a soul about her dual diagnoses unless she was forced to. That way she would appear "normal". She could blend in and at least out in a public of her peers be seen as just one of them. That was what she hoped for at least but she was different...in several ways. She did show signs of social awkwardness just because the "normal" ways of doing things in this world of social hierarchy made no sense at all to her. Humans are fascinating creatures but they were viewed as more of a science experiment to her rather than something to truly want to fit in with...of course she wanted friends and had a sense of not wanting to be alone but the general way people carried out life was baffling to her. It made no sense. So therefore she stood out. She had certain sensitivities that others did not. And the anxiety and depression was a real beast. She also as previously mentioned did not learn the way others did. Her brain was most certainly unique in many ways but unfortunately she saw it as a curse. Eventually, a nice young man taught her that her mind was stronger than she knew and that she could overcome her own faults and not need her medication and so she stopped. Throwing that medication down the drain was so very satisfying. For the first time she was doing something on her own and taking control and no one was any wiser. Things were hard though, harder still...her brain was a relentless bucking bull that she had to learn how to tame. The verbal assaults from everyone around her minus a scarce few were not easy to take either. Words were constantly thrown about like stones as if they didn't matter. Once she was told, "Do you think since you took all that medication as a kid that that could be what's wrong with you?" "No, no, I don't think that has anything to do with it at all." was all she managed to say after incredulously staring at this man she thought loved her for a full minute before responding. Now, I'm proudly proclaiming to have Asperger's and ADHD and am a stronger person because of it. Today, however, I was told my beautiful, perfect baby girl needs to be tested for a possible learning disability and my heart sank. I'm not going to lie...I cried. I worry for her, no mother wants their child to go through what they did and I like many of us have went through Hell. However, she is not me and she will be taught to be loud and proud of who she is no matter the outcome. Children and life can be harsh but she will and we will outshine them all!!!
About the Creator
Lindsey Altom
For me, writing runs in the blood. I've written songs, poems and short stories ever since I was a little girl. I mostly like to write about my life experiences mixed with a little fiction or just things that come off the top of my head!
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More stories from Lindsey Altom and writers in Humans and other communities.
Hate...
I left my toxic and abusive ex-husband over a year ago at this point and I've done a lot to try to heal and recover from not only that trauma but my childhood trauma as well. I've worked hard over the past three years to look at every aspect of myself and notice not only where I was damaged and broken but where I went wrong too. I've tried very hard to own up to my faults and take responsibility where it was mine to take. That being said I know that everything I did in the toxic relationship with my ex was not perfect because for one it's called reactive abuse. You can only take it for so long before you start giving it back. The next thing is that I am human and I am prone to making mistakes and my decisions and thought patterns were not always the greatest. However, everything I did and/or said or didn't say had a reason and most people only know the tip of the iceberg when it comes to what happened between my ex and myself. Also, that's just it, isn't it? No one except who was in the house truly knows what happened. I have my story which I've told and I have a right to tell and he has his. The abuse that I and my children suffered in that home was real and was not made up by any means. I don't have to explain this to anyone I know but because of poor mental health and comments like this I for some reason feel as if I need to explain. This comment I'm assuming was taken down either by Vocal or the author herself yesterday but I got to read it through my emails. This is from my ex-sister-in-law and this is called victim blaming/shaming. I was already feeling stressed due to the holiday season and the financial burden that it puts on one especially when you have children and then I read this. I just can't help but wonder why. Why as another woman would you intentionally seek out another woman to tear her down? I mean I would never. I feel as women we should always be building each other up because being a woman is hard enough as it is so even if you don't like said woman then just don't say anything but don't intentionally seek her out to try and destroy her. Also, as a Christian, I do not feel I have the right to tell another Christian that they are being hypocritical or "need Jesus." Everyone's journey is different and you calling into question their walk with Jesus is just not right in the least little bit. I'm not saying I'm perfect or was the perfect wife to her brother or the perfect stepmother to her nephews but I did try my best and no, I did not blatantly to their faces call the children mean names such as saying they were fat. Most of the time, the boys called themselves that and I told them not to do that. When you only have one side of the story it's hard to see the whole picture but I suppose it's also hard to see the whole picture when you just don't want to. I know nothing I say will matter and everything I say will just go in one ear and out the other because you've already picked your villain and that's fine but all I want is to be left alone. I'm trying to heal over here, I'm trying to find my peace, I'm trying to not stare at every red truck in town afraid that it might be him ready to run me down, I'm trying to not start shaking violently, and getting sick to my stomach every time his name or any of his family's name comes up because the fear lives just beneath the surface edge so please just go away. If you have any sort of decency about you at all please just leave me alone and I will leave you alone as well. I'm not sharing your name, but things like this? This is part of my domestic violence story and I will share it. You were right about one thing though, I'm not a victim- I'm a survivor.
By Lindsey Altom6 months ago in Humans
Peaceful Purpose
I have noticed that in the professional sphere, as far as I have noticed, that many people choose to come to work, mainly with the intention of collecting a paycheck, which I completely understand, unfortunately, we all need money to survive in this world. I also feel very strongly about the fact that if you are going to work in a profession, you should certainly treat that profession, whatever it may be, with the dignity that its purpose entails, whether you are working in the medical field, or working at a fast food restaurant, you should do you best to do the best job you can, because when it comes right down to it, we are all humans, going through the trials, and challenges that this life can bring us, by working together.
By Kaylon Forsyth6 days ago in Humans
THE EXCURSION OF PERSONAL GROWTH
In the mission for personal development, one should embrace the excursion as opposed to the objective. It’s a slow course of development and improvement, where little advances prepare for huge change. Every choice and activity, regardless of how irrelevant, contributes to the advancement of oneself.
By Mirza Afzal Baig5 days ago in Humans
When We Were Very Young
In another box set that my parents got me when I was younger contained four books by A.A. Milne. 'When We Were Very Young' is a collection of poems that Milne wrote for his son Christopher Robin. This is a book that is full of references to Mr. Edward Bear, but a lot of the poems give some various descriptions of life of a very young child and where, when, how and why they do what they do. The illustrations are quite cute for you can see what Christopher Robin is and may be thinking. Also, Pooh Bear does make his self-known at various points. I have read these verses many, many times over the years and each time make me feel good about myself.
By Mark Graham6 days ago in Critique
Comments (1)
Thank you so much for sharing your story! So sad and yet if your daughter does end up having a learning disability, you can break the cycle of negative talk and stigma around it for her.