Has love become your idol?
Idolatry in relationships is very subtle. You don't know that you have that person up as a idol until everything they do affects your well-being and emotions to the point where it feels like bondage. You can't even follow your dreams because their opinion(s) matter more than your drive to follow after your passion. You're more focused on pleasing them and changing for them rather than focusing on you and growing within yourself. You'll never reach or really know what your purpose is in life if they're an idol (if you don't know what you've been placed on this Earth to do yet). That's why there are so many people that you hear about in relationships where you may think "Why is he/she in that relationship? ....and the person that they're with treats them with disrespect or doesn't value and treat them according to their worth?" They stay because they may feel staying with that person is more important than leaving and finding happiness. We attach ourselves to people due to our own insecurities and emotional hurts so we look to them to fill our voids instead of allowing the Creator to fill those voids for us.
I began courting someone during my freshman year in college and I didn't like him at first. I actually was talking to someone else at the time. The guy I was talking to wasn't where I was spiritually and I didn't want to wait for him to reach where I was so I stopped talking to him due to my spiritual beliefs.
The person I began courting with, we started talking and he led me to my previous church home. The members there put us together and he liked me but I didn't like him yet. When I first went to college I said to myself that "I was going to focus on God and school". Considering that I wasn't trying to talk to him. I remember forcing myself to like him because of other people's views both at college and at church. Also due to rejection I settled because he was the first person to show me real love. I had yet to receive that from family and God. Idolatry came in when I began thinking about why he wasn't spending time with me, what's wrong with me, how come he's spending time with his friends more than me, etc. He really didn't spend time with me. He was in his own world with his friends, goals, destiny, career. I felt like I didn't fit so I was fighting for a place in his life. Before this happened, I was singing, doing poetry, dancing, and on fire doing the things that I loved to do and when I began to focus on him I lost my confidence. My self-worth began to diminish because everything that I was doing or trying to do he came first versus me realizing that I'm living MY life for ME not for him. We started courting in 2014 and at the end of 2015 going on 16 I realized how much of my heart, thoughts, emotions, etc I put into him.
He invited me to a party at one of his female friends' house and when we first walked in he left me standing at the door. He didn't introduce me to anyone while being there. I remember getting mad and upset because I thought we were going to be on each other's arm and acknowledged by him. While I was there I was trying to focus on having a good time but those deep thoughts, hurts, and wounds rose up. We played Taboo. There was about 12 people total that played. This game was played different. It was girls vs boys. The girls could help the boys and vice versa to make sure the opposite team didn't cheat. He went up to help his friend whose house he invited me over but he didn't help me. Something happened after that I forgot but I stormed out of his friends house. He came running after me and said "I knew her since I got saved and she helped me during my deliverance process". The main reason why I stormed out was because I was tired of being disrespected, not worthy, less than, and emotionally abused(slightly). He would tell me things like "I love you" and "You're someone I want in my future" but treated me like everybody else.
2016 is when I knocked Idolatry down and put God first again and began to pick up the pieces where me and God left off and take back the pieces that I gave to him. Last year I also went to basic training but I didn't pass because of a new found medical issue(I'm healed now). After I came back home I was trying to spend time with him and he had females that I didn't know that was his best friends so I let him go. There were so many wounds I got from that courtship that I needed to heal from(I'm still healing from). I also had daddy issues. Sometimes in a relationship we have hurts from our parents and what someone doesn't do reminds us what our parents didn't do. Therefore we can't fully allow that person to be our girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband.
Everything is a process. Are you more important? Or them? It's time to get your identity back!