My First True Love?

I was 19, very green, naive and a little shy, and had recently arrived in England from Jamaica to do nursing. The mayor of the local town of Kings Lynn had put on a welcome get-together for all the overseas students to meet up, to prevent them feeling too isolated. I was surprised to see a guy wearing a turban, and looking very haughtily at me and my friend. I found this funny because we had never met a Sikh in person before, and he seemed fascinating. We went to mingle with other students and I later found out that he was a junior airman at the local airforce base about 18 miles away.

The room was packed, as some guys had taken quite a few seats, including him. However, I used it as an excuse to chat, deliberately teasing him about hogging the seat! He smiled sweetly, and cheekily, adding that I could always sit on his lap! I think he didn’t expect me to do it, so it was a kind of dare for me. Not to be outdone, I perched daintily on one of his knees for a few moments while my friend killed herself laughing, as that was a very bold thing for someone like me at the time, and also for him and his culture.

Anyway, he asked me for the nurse’s home number for the future, and I asked him if he was planning on being ill and needed nursing, which he found that funny. However, I gave him the number (to be polite, I told myself!). A month later I was feeling bored wondering what had happened to him, as he had not got in touch again, and amazingly, on the same day, someone shouted down the corridor that I had a call. This perplexed me at first, as I knew no one who would call me. But there he was.

We were so attracted to each other, despite our obvious cultural differences, we got married a year later and shared 32 years together! That marriage taught me that people might look superficially different to each other in various ways, but if their VALUES coincide, that’s a match to die for. In fact, most couples who might appear to be 'opposite' actually share a similar way of looking at life, at the things they cherish and what they value. They just project that perspective in different ways. After all, you don't get a greater difference than an Indian guy in a turban from Kenya and a devout Catholic Black woman from the West Indies! Totally different upbringing, cultures and perspectives about life. But my ex-husband and I complemented each other so much in many ways because we believed in the same things when we met.

We were both rebels in our communities; we both loved reggae and Bob Marley, and we both had the same outlook on maintaining a home and raising children. Without realising it then, I also sought a kind of protector, being young and fearful in England, and he being very clever and more secure, wanted someone to protect. Bingo! When we parted, we still had very strong feelings for each other, but other things had got in the way of a longer union.

Sadly, when I began to feel more independent and to value other things in life, like my own creativity and freedom to act in ways I enjoyed, the dynamics began to shift and our values started to differ, especially as he grew more conservative and possessive in approach. We actually became opposites in our needs over such a long time and stopped connecting and communicating with each other. At the end, though the love was there to a large extent, our direction and values had changed in what we sought in our lives, enough to make our continuing relationship untenable.

But what a match that was while it lasted. I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

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