I Am a Cheater and I'm Afraid of It

When I was younger, around 19 years old, I landed a job in a large company where I met a guy who came from a different nationality and had a different mindset due to his religion. There was an instant connection between us, and after a few weeks, we began dating. He was incredibly attractive, and I must admit, I felt a bit possessive and jealous. I struggled with giving him his personal space and freedom, but I made an effort to calm myself down and not overreact. Given that we worked with many people and interacted with them daily, it became challenging for me to see him talking to other girls. Adding to the complexity, my boss showed interest in me and flirted occasionally, even though he knew I had a boyfriend. One day, I was furious with my boyfriend, suspecting him of flirting with a girl who happened to be a guest at the company. And on that same day, my boss asked me to spend time outside of work, just to have some fun. I don't know what came over me, but I foolishly agreed. Little did I know that it was a colossal mistake. Before I knew it, I found myself sitting in a car, driving to an unknown destination. We ended up at a hotel known for short-term stays, and we engaged in a regrettable encounter. I felt dirty and consumed with guilt. Every decision I made during those two hours filled me with remorse. Later, my boyfriend realized that me and my boss was missing from the company. My boyfriend figured out what had happened. When we reunited, he expressed his disappointment and anger, and I felt an overwhelming sense of shame and sorrow. I couldn't find the words to apologize or explain my actions. I wished I could disappear into thin air; it was an indescribable feeling.

I begged for his forgiveness and asked for a chance to make things right. He reluctantly agreed, but things were never the same. Despite his efforts to act like everything was okay, our relationship was damaged, and he was deeply hurt. Two months later, he confessed that he couldn't handle it anymore. He believed our relationship was fundamentally flawed, and he couldn't forgive me. He warned that karma would catch up to me in the future, and unfortunately, he was right. Karma did find me, and my subsequent relationships were even worse (but that's a story for another time). Reflecting on that time, I realize that I wanted to hurt him back for making me jealous. But now, I understand that my emotions guided me, and it was the worst decision I ever made. Years later, I experienced a temptation to cheat again, but I managed to resist and took the time to understand why such feelings resurfaced. I began questioning if infidelity was somehow ingrained in me, and why betrayal seemed alluring. As time passed and other relationships came and went, I reached a point of clarity. I discovered that only mutual love can bring true satisfaction, where thoughts of straying vanish because your heart is content. Then, in my current relationship, I discovered that my present boyfriend had cheated on me. It was at this moment that the pain, both physical and emotional, reminded me of the hurt I caused my first boyfriend. It was an intense experience. Despite the pain, I decided to give my current boyfriend a second chance, perhaps as a way to redeem myself and cleanse my karma. But now I find myself grappling with the question: did I make the right decision?