How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship Without Being Controlling

It can be nerve-racking to set a boundary with your partner. What if they feel that your setting a boundary is an attack on them? Well, it's not. When you set a boundary, you are simply informing your partner what you will do to preserve your time, space, beliefs, and happiness.

Setting a boundary allows your partner to have choices as well. By saying, "This is what I will tolerate, and here is what I will do if it's not beneficial to me," you're not telling your partner to live by your standards.

Below, I will show you how to not control your partner while setting a boundary and some examples and scripts you can modify to fit your situation.

What is a boundary?

A boundary tells your partner what you're comfortable with and what you will do to maintain that. It can be about time, space, arguing, family, money, or how much you are willing to support someone emotionally.

An example would be if you are arguing with your partner: "I don't want to continue arguing if we're yelling at each other. I'm going to walk away and come back to this when we can speak calmly." You are not telling your partner to not be angry; you're informing them what you will do if your argument escalates.

You can set a positive boundary as well. "I like to decompress after work, so I won't be able to discuss what's going on around the house until later." This lets your partner know what you need from them and allows you time to relax and spend time with your partner later.

Remember that you want to stay clear and concise with your boundaries and only include what you can do to benefit you.

What is the difference between control and setting a boundary?

Controlling someone is telling them what they can and can't do. Setting a boundary is what YOU will do.

"You can't hang out with your friends on weeknights." = controlling.

"I need us to have a system for what we do on weeknights. If you decide to see your friends, I will not pick up what we normally would have done." = boundary.

Sometimes it can be hard to distinguish between these two. It all depends on the situation and how you're using that statement. You can always ask your partner for something, and if they say no, that's okay. It's when you start policing your partner's life that you're being controlling.

There are some things that will require you to create a plan together, such as budgeting or how you are going to handle your child/children. You can tell them what you want, and they can tell you what they want. If you're unable to come up with a plan that benefits both of you, then it's time to set a boundary. Tell your partner what you're going to do if there is no plan in place.

How to not be threatening when you set a boundary.

Don't name your partner in the boundary.

Name a situation that your partner does. Saying, "You're being selfish with my time," doesn't allow your partner to grow from that situation. They will become defensive and try to prove that they aren't selfish. Instead, say, "I have trouble scheduling my night when you change plans at the last minute."

Know what you want.

Once you identify the situation, you can figure out what you want to happen. How can you fix this situation, or what will you do if your partner keeps doing this? Remember, you're not going to want your partner to know what you're thinking, so be specific with your boundary.

"I want you to respect me more" is not a good boundary to set because what does respect look like to you? Maybe, "I don't want to hear name-calling during our arguments. If you call me a name, I will step away from this conversation, and we can revisit this later."

Know that you can only do what you can do.

As mentioned above, you can only control what you do. So don't set a boundary that your partner has to calm down. You can tell your partner that you will leave the conversation if they call you names.

"When (situation), I will feel (tell them why briefly). I will (what you will do)."

Have this conversation when you're not fighting.

Of course, if you're in danger, don't wait to set a boundary. But if you have time, wait until you're not in the heat of an argument. Keep it simple; you don't have to go into why your feelings are valid.

Follow through with what you say you will do.

If your partner doesn't know that you're going to do what you say, they will continue to cross that boundary. This doesn't mean you're going to go overboard with what your boundary was. If you said you would leave an argument if your partner started calling you names, walk away from that conversation; you are not going to stay for an hour arguing about if you're leaving or not.

Scripts you can use.

"I enjoy spending time with you, but I need some time to myself tonight. I'm going to read for an hour, then I'd like to catch up with you."

"If I can't stay calm during this conversation, I need to take a break from talking to you. I'm going to take 30 minutes, and I'll be back at 7 to discuss this."

Make sure you know when you're coming back if you're telling your partner you will come back. Don't set a boundary to walk away from an argument and never speak to your partner again.

"I'm not okay with sharing my passwords or looking through my phone. If you're worried about something, we can discuss it, but I want to keep my private information private."

Again, just because you set a boundary doesn't mean your partner is going to comply with it. You are letting them know what you will share and what you won't.

"I want us to both have time to see our friends. If we have plans to see each other that night, let me know if you're changing your plans. If your friend calls you and you want to see them, I will see my friends."

"I don't want my family knowing about our financial situation. If this topic comes up, I will either steer the conversation or remove myself from it. We can come to an agreement on what information we share."

Use these as examples and word them how you feel comfortable. Make sure you're doing what you say you will do.

What if my partner doesn't agree?

Your partner may be upset that you're setting a boundary. Just because your partner gets upset doesn't mean you're being unreasonable. It could be that your partner didn't know you felt that way. Or there is a plan in place that isn't working for both of you. Try to understand what your partner is upset about and come to a resolution.

"I understand that you don't feel that way. I'm open to working with you to find a solution, but I'm not open to continuing to do what we're currently doing."

Once you inform your partner of your boundary, answer any questions they may have and continue with what your boundary was.

If your partner continues to disrespect your boundaries and threatens you for standing up for yourself, that is something you should take seriously. If you feel that your partner will hurt you or become violent, please reach out to someone that you trust or find resources in your area that can help you.

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