How to Figure out Who Your Partner Is Cheating on You With
So you know your partner is cheating on you, but you don't know with who. Here's how to figure things out.
I remember the first time that I found out that I was the victim of a cheating boyfriend. To a point, it was one of those types of relationships that should not have ever really existed.
He was my college boyfriend, and he was "Mr. Pep-Pep, Rah-Rah Football Guy." I was, of course, the "Freak Who Dressed in Cosplay on a Daily Basis." Even so, I actually believed that he was interested in me, despite him treating me like the other woman.
I was telling my classmate about my boyfriend because I was proud that I could get a popular guy to hit it off with me. I wanted to prove I could hang out with the "normal folks."
My classmate didn't react the way I hoped she would. She blinked and said, "Uh, he's not dating you. Did you really sleep with him?"
Her eyes welled up with tears and she ran out of the classroom. It ends up, that was his "real" girlfriend. Within minutes, I got a message telling me to never speak to him again, that I couldn't possibly think someone like him would care about someone like me, and that he'd deny everything we had in a heartbeat.
The girl later came and thanked me. She had suspicions something was going on, but didn't know with who. By having me tell her, she dodged a bullet. Even so, it sucked that it happened this way.
It still hurt and I was still ostracized by idiots at my university. When I had a boyfriend that I knew was cheating on me, I was in a similar predicament. Eventually, I found out by similar means.
When you're in a situation where you know your lover is cheating on you, but can't figure out with who, it's brutal on your mind. You will often feel like you literally cannot concentrate, and that will make you feel extra crazy.
Did you recently find proof that your partner is cheating on you? Do you want to confront your partner and give the side piece a heads up? Here's how to find out the truth behind who his side piece is.
In most cases, people who are cheating on their partners will let out subtle signs of the person who they're cheating on their partners with. A keen eye to clues will often lead you to the other woman or backdoor man.
The most common clue is a friend that seems a bit too close to them, or that seems like they want to be more than friends with your partner. A friend that acts like a jealous lover around you isn't simply a warning sign; it's a red alert that something is going wrong.
Is there a close friend they keep hanging out with solo, all the while insisting that you can't tag along? Chances are high that it's them, and that you probably should dump your partner. Within days, they will likely start to date in the open.
See who your partner prioritizes.
At times, your partner might not even be physically involved with this person; but rather, showing telltale signs of an emotional affair. Finding out whether they're cheating on you with a person in this case is really easy: Just see who they prioritize.
The easiest way to see if he's emotionally cheating on you with someone is to see what happens if you ask him to keep his distance from them or to choose spending time with you over them. Does he refuse, and tell you that their friend "needs" them?
Well, that's the person they are most likely cheating on you with.
Do you have a nagging feeling that your partner is going to be cheating on you while you're typically out at work? Or, do you have a nagging vibe that your partner is cheating on you when he claims to be out at work?
The easiest way to find out where they really are and who they're with is to "surprise" them with a visit. A loyal partner would be pleasantly surprised, albeit confused, to see you.
A disloyal partner would be scared and aggressive about it—assuming you don't seem to be bringing drama. If you catch them with someone, ask what's going on and then tell them it's time to break up.
Listen to your gut.
Humanity is lucky to be blessed with razor-sharp instincts. For millennia, humans have relied on instincts to keep them safe from a variety of problems, ranging from bad weather to predators, and eventually developing to the threats that can come from emotional harm.
We will often get "gut instinct" reactions about people that make us determine whether or not we want them in our lives. If you have a gut feeling about that dodgy used car salesman, you avoid him, right? Well, it's time to use those instincts in your love life, too.
Take a look around when it comes to the people who hang out with your boo. Does anyone seem like they may be a bit "off" around you? Do they seem a little bit too intimate or chummy with your partner? If so, they are the most likely the culprit in your partner's cheating antics.
In the vast majority of cases, snooping on your partner is never warranted. The only time that things are different is when you have distinct proof that your partner is cheating and you want to confront the other partner.
If you've had multiple people tell you that your partner is cheating on you, then any guarantee they had towards privacy should go out the window. Now is the time to snoop.
Grab their phone, look through their emails, and consider hiring a private eye to get the evidence. You will eventually find out who they are cheating with, and if you use a PI, can use that evidence in divorce court.
Try to find out if they use a dating site to figure out whether they're cheating with a random person.
Though the majority of people who cheat on partners do so with someone they already know, not all do. In fact, many will go online with the sole purpose of finding someone to fool around with.
If the proof of infidelity you found was their Tinder profile, then you are probably dealing with a "rando" side piece. At this point, the best way to find out who he's cheating with is to gain access to his account.
That being said, that's illegal, and probably won't serve you well as far as heading to divorce court goes. A better option would be to let the random chick deal with it—or to confront him and have him explain you to her instead.
I'm going to point out something pretty hurtful and awkward right now, okay? Most of the time, the betrayed party is the very last person to know that their partner is cheating on them. It's sad, but it's true.
Take a look at his circle of friends and family. Is there anyone who seems to be particularly awkward around you? Is there someone who seems like they just can't help but to look at you pityingly, or like they want to tell you something?
If their friend is giving you a saddened look, chances are that they know something you don't. Now would be a good time to sit them down and say that you know your partner is cheating on you and you just want to find out with who.
You'll be surprised at how often they'll spill the beans when confronted directly. The bluntness of the request tends to throw people off, which in turn, makes them babble.
If just asking them directly doesn't work, stay silent and stare until they spill the beans. People tend to want to gain a reaction, and when they feel like they are being interrogated, will babble in order to get someone to talk.
Follow him when he goes out on a date with her.
If you want to catch your partner in the act and have the proof that he's going out with someone else, it's a good idea to follow him to one of his dates. Chances are that you will find him going to the house of the affair partner—or at least going to pick them up.
This can be hard to do, simply because it's pretty difficult to sneak behind someone without them noticing. A smart way to do it stealthily would be to add a tracker to the inside of their car and to follow them to the address the tracker displays.
You will most likely catch your cheater in the act, and believe me, your cheater's affair partner will soon find out they're not the only one if this happens.
When doing something like this, make sure you can keep your temper. It can be very difficult to actually witness someone you love cheating on you, and that can cause you to act out in ways you really shouldn't. If you can't handle that, it's best to choose another route—or just ghost them.
If you have proof of your partner cheating but can't seem to nail down who it is, then you may be able to glean a little bit of information from other documents. The best tracers for affair partners are phone bills and credit card bills.
For example, if he claimed to go on a business trip to Reno, and you find a credit card bill for a bed and breakfast in Maine, you can be fairly certain that your partner's affair partner is local to that area. That can allow you to narrow down suspects.
Phone bills are particularly useful, especially if the bills catalogue numbers that are called or texted frequently. Calling up the most frequently called numbers is an easy way to find out who your partner is communicating with, and why.
Try to figure out if you are the other person.
Make no mistake about it, cheaters are very adept at creating relationships with side pieces that seem to be very much a real thing. As painful as it may be to think of, ask yourself if you are actually his main squeeze and think about proof you have of that role.
If you're standing on shaky proof or you start to notice ways that tell you you're the side chick, then you may need to realize that you aren't the person he is actually supposed to be committed to.
This happened with a friend of mine who ended up dating my ex fairly recently. For the sake of this story, let's call our ex "Bozo." She was warned by two of Bozo's exes—including myself—about a particular girl named Jennifer. Both of us felt like Jennifer was out to get any girl who got near Bozo.
Jennifer and Bozo were very good friends and they used to date. Whenever Bozo would date someone else, Jennifer would end up getting very manipulative around, doing whatever she could to break them up.
When my friend broke up with Bozo, she did so on her own accord. She had a feeling that he was cheating on her, but couldn't get much out of people. She ended up befriending Jennifer, who then later admitted that she was Bozo's side piece for the duration of both of our relationships with him.
The moral of the story? Watch out when people warn you of others, because they are very likely to be side pieces. Oh, and don't date clowns.
Finally, you can confront him yourself.
Remember how we said earlier that silence makes people very uncomfortable? Like, uncomfortable to the point of turning people into babbling messes? Believe it or not, that silent stare after a question will work on your partner just as well.
Sometimes, the best way to find out who your partner is cheating on you with is to ask your partner yourself. At the very least, you can give them the heads up that you know and that it's time for them to go.
Iggy Paulsen is a fan of anything and everything wholesome. He loves his two dogs, hiking in the woods, traveling to Aruba, building DIY projects that better humanity, and listening to motivational speakers. He hopes to eventually become a motivational speaker himself.