How I Learned to Love Myself

My name is Alex, and I’m a little different then other people.

I was diagnosed at a young age with Asperger’s syndrome (now Autism Spectrum Disorder or ‘ASD’ because somebody decided it was a good idea to lump everyone with autism together) which means I act a little funny and say weird things sometimes

Because of this, when I was a kid and went to school, the other kids always felt superior to me and felt entitled to use their ‘normal privilege’ to pick on me.

From a young age, I had always felt different, and the bullies at school would make sure to remind me my worst fears were true, I was, in fact, different. The other kids at school would tease and pick on me relentlessly, making me feel isolated and unworthy. I asked someone to hang out with me once, and (after gifting this person $2 for lunch because they told me they were broke) said “who’d want to be friends with you, freak?”

They’d call me a mutant freak from hell, a loser, a small brained simian, told me I should go live in a zoo with the other animals, called a pig, and most hurtful was a ‘retard.’ And that’s what I felt like. I couldn't understand why they were making me a target, and thoughts of self-doubt, depression and self hatred plagued my mind.

I questioned my own worth. I questioned if I even had the right to exist, I asked how could I live in a world where I was the lowest form of human life. I felt like a pile of garbage buried underneath another pile of garbage.

I always thought, maybe I was stupid or said something wrong that caused the bullying. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I should just crawl into a hole and die. I wanted to run away, disappear and never be found again.

I eventually started to suspect that I couldn’t be stupid, at least not as stupid as I was being told I was.

I excelled in class, consistently earning A’s and B’s and finishing books before anyone else. I was then able to fully explain the plot to the teacher and would always get an A on the book report.

While sitting alone in the school library, I was reading a book about Nikola Tesla:

It talked about how he was shy, and got picked on and called stupid by his peers in school too. Then he invented dozens of amazing things! He was a genius, despite what others said!

At this point, I thought to myself "I am never alone, as long as I have my ideas. When I’m successful, they’ll see I’m not stupid and regret picking on me."

I started writing stories and getting praised for them, and had a new sense of confidence and no longer gave a crap what the bullies said. I knew they were wrong and I wouldn’t be getting As in school and getting praised for my stories if they were correct and I was the moron and loser they said I was.

I decided to focus on my strengths and embrace my unique qualities. I began to spend more time pursuing my passions, losing myself in the pages of books, and exploring my seemingly boundless imagination. The more I delved into my interests, the more I realized my true worth.

As I started to acknowledge my own abilities and talents, something magical began to happen. At least, magical for me.

I attracted like-minded individuals who appreciated and celebrated my authentic self. My newfound friends saw beyond the surface and recognized the remarkable person I was. This left me feeling amazing.

Together, my new group of friends engaged and challenged me. We’d laugh, share stories, and support one another. I learned to love myself for who I was.

I no longer felt alone or insignificant. The friends I had found became my own personal support group, and my morale is always improving.

As time goes on, my confidence continues to grow. I realize the bullies are just misguided and have no self worth of their own, so they have to try and take it from others. I now think of them as positivity vampires, they have no natural positivity, self love or self respect of their own, so they have to stick their fangs in the necks of others and try to drain those things from them in the form of insults and put-downs. The hurtful words and actions of those individuals no longer hold power over my self-perception. I can now say I love myself! ❤️