Final Fantasy

We cant be friends but i want to pretend. Pretend that you said yes. Pretend that you said sorry and want to try and make it work. I want to pretend that you felt the same sparks as I. To think you made me feel like no one else did and yet, I shared with you my heart, my love. You pushed me away because you couldn’t process. You pushed me away when you didn’t understand. When you didn’t get what a pure of heart is. What it feels like to get natural love and care.

You created the fantasy of hope. You sparked curiosity of what if. What if it all worked out and nobody got hurt. What if I didn’t get hurt. I apologized for falling but it was the fantasy that fell short. So innocent and honest, I tried my best to be the best for you. So passionate about what we could have been. I shared with you what was precious to me but common for others. You took me for granted and still made no effort to try. No effort to validate and explain how you did things without my wondering and confused. A fantasy so lost, hurt comes from those who try.

For those who try to make an effort. Make a change and show their heart. A fantasy of what ifs and potentials. You had me think of my past. Those who showed effort and brought in hope. Those who asked for patience and understood how I had given it. Memories of potential ringers who felt short. Providing their thing that brought them so far. We barely even made it to the starting line and yet we had hit the ground running. I saw a fantasy where we would make the difference. The one that shook the world around us.

Instead, our feelings fell short with realities and a falling fantasy. Spots of truth manifested and hid in anger and fear. Shrouded in darkness, I hold on to the light that surrounds it. I constantly sit in darkness while the world around me moves in hyper speed. As the walls of this final fantasy falls it all started to make sense. The online conversations, the FaceTimes, the stay overs, it all was how I fell. How I fell for the fantasy that manifested due to the starting conversations. The foundation that sparked the seeds of hope and faith.

The laughter and thrills that came when we connected. The online conversations, the FaceTimes, has now fallen down through the rainbow falls of this final fantasy. The constant struggle of hope that this is what it takes. This is how the story will start, still I hope for no end. You lose your track of mind, body and soul. You ask for space and yet, it’s translated to, stay away from me and don’t speak to me. Still, you are unsure. Unsure on how to respond or how to communicate effectively and that’s because you don’t. You can’t expect others to understand what you want if you become vague and generic.

What were days of waiting, was minutes to hours for you. A belief of boundaries masked in disrespect and trauma. A final fantasy was nothing more than a one sided illusion that didn’t have space for me so with no understanding of what space means to you. This dance of dating became shrouded in mist and color. Rules of connection transformed into a stereotype. This final fantasy comes to an end. Life left on the table and walls cracked down to hopes. Hope for a new future.