Diary of a mixed up girl

I guess I should just start typing, Hi my name is Tabz. Tabitha if you want to be formal about it but I prefer being called Tabz. I'm a 29yr old grocery store manager whose about to turn 30 in a couple of months time and I'm a single mother to four energetic and sometimes to grown for their own age kids. I'm not to big on social media, I mean I have the usual stuff like Facebook and Instagram, but other than that I don't go any further so this is a first for me.

I've taken the jump because I feel that in my first 10years of adulthood, I feel like I have so much to share and just maybe someone will read this and can relate with my story. Because at the end of the day we all walk life wondering if anyone can really understand the path we go through in our own lives but we rarely talk about it because of the fear of being judged and feeling degraded from those we seek comfort and advice from, and for me I felt like at times it was a hinderance or a burden to the people I love and cherish.

But before I tell that story here's a quick recap of who I am broken down. I am the eldest of four girls which is unfortunate for my dad who really wanted at least one son but ahhh missed the boat on that one. I am mixed raced with European and Asian but I was born in Brisbane, Australia which made things fun when people were always trying to guess what my nationality was. I grew up in a very tight nit family where we always did things together, there wasn't a day that went by where I wouldn't have at least one of my family members with me. I grew up around music which naturally became my niche, I mean not just me but for my younger sisters as well. Music got us places overseas and doing things that not many other teenagers would have been able to experience, now I'm not saying that we were famous or anything but we had opportunities to travel and have fun doing it. I graduated in a high school that was looked down upon by society because of the neighborhood it was in for one and at that time there were a lot of things going on revolving around different cultures clashing.

My parents were strict on us having boyfriends (anyone who has an Asian mum will understand) The rule was study hard or life is going to be very difficult when you are older, not going to lie I'm pretty sure my mum jinxed me or it's karma for all the little crushes I had growing up. I was so scared of my mum that I was convinced that she knew everything even before I even did it. I had a few boyfriends here and there but nothing to serious like they would only last a month or so and move on, I wasn't the type to give it up so quickly in fact I was already out of high school and it was after my 19th birthday that I met someone who I thought would be my "soulmate".

Now out of respect for my "soulmate" I'm going to call him Tobias. Tobias and I met at a house party that I was dragged to by a co-worker after working late. This co-worker was also my ride home so I thought, "OK, a little detour is fine I guess." I had messaged my parents that I was going to be coming home late so they didn't have to stay up waiting for me. Tobias was a hired security at this party, and to be honest with you I didn't even take notice of him, I was just more concerned about getting my ass home because I knew my mum wasn't going to bed until I got home. After the general meet and greet I was desperately asking people for a lift home, about an hour later someone was finally able to take me, which turned out to be Tobias' friend who was a girl who had a crush on him and would pretty much do anything for him, and another one of his friends who also needed a ride home.

After another detour through McDonalds, I was finally home and like I had already expected my mum was still awake waiting for me with that look of pissed off on her face.. and yes I did get lectured about it. Several months went by and I was working in a shop called Street Culture, it was basically a skater shop selling skate boards, skate shoes, loose Tee's and anything to do with the brand Hustler and Playboy. While on shift this random guy walks in and asks me if I was seeing a guy called Mikey, I answered no and then he walks out. A few minuets later another guy walks in and starts talking to me, now I'm having a pretty slow day in regards to sales so I'm trying to sell this guy a pair of shoes and all he wanted to know was if I went out and what clubs I go to. Now a normal 18yr old teenager in Australia would be out clubbing as soon as they turn 18, but not me I'm 19yrs old and still have never gone out clubbing yet, and that was my normal. After about an hour of wasted time, he finally leaves empty handed.

A week or so later my co-worker hands me this note with a name and number on it, of course I'm feeling flattered like any teenaged girl would feel. So after work I get home and call the number, I'm nervous as hell to call him but he picks up the phone and we start talking and then after 30mins I realized who this guy was. Not only was he the customer that didn't buy anything but he was also the hired security from the party.

During this phone call we started talking about music and it turned out that we had a lot in common, even the friends we had were all mutual and it was the first time I felt like someone was interested in who I am and what made me happy. We spoke a few more times over the phone afterwards and exchanged text messages so I finally said yes to a date. We met up in the city and for the life of me I could not remember what he looked like, I'm already bad with faces and even when I do try it doesn't get me far. So, I'm sitting and waiting in the center of the mall and still no sign of this guy. 45mins later I decide to call him and ask where he is, he tells me that he's just getting off the bus now and is at the bus depot. I walk towards the bus stop and I see this big islander wearing sunglasses and a cap leaning against the pillar. All I'm thinking now is "What the heck did I get myself into?"

I go and greet him you know the usual hug and kiss on the cheek and than we go get lunch talk some more nothing to exciting and than he insisted we go watch a movie. Twilight had just been released in Australia so that seemed like an obvious choice. This is where I had my first real kiss, it wasn't like all the other ones I've experienced where it was just terrible, but I felt something like wow like an actual connection. The rest of the date goes on and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, we walk around the city a bit longer and we bump into one of his friends who has just finished an epic weekend of partying, he joins us by walking with us to the train station so I can catch my ride home. He gives me one last kiss before I get aboard the train and hugs me goodbye, at this point I wouldn't say that I was falling for him but I was starting to become smitten by his charm.

Now I know this may start of a bit boring but I had to fill you in on how my life was before I met Tobias, I grew up believing I would go straight to hell even if I was to kiss a guy and I was 19 still thinking that way. Once we started dating he really pushed me to go against the grain/ my parents and boy oh boy I did pay for it in the next few years to come.

After about a month of dating I invited him to meet my parents for lunch at my house, he comes through baring gifts for my sisters but my mum can already see what he's playing at. My mum is the type of woman who is straight to the point and if she doesn't like something she will let you know and not hold back any truths that may offend someone. And sometimes I feel like she can be low-key racist but she'll play it off like she has no understanding of what SHE is saying. As you can imagine after he leaves my mum is quick to have her thoughts and pretty much tells me that she doesn't like him, my dad is a little more easier to please you just got to make him laugh and you're pretty much in with a good shot. She tells me to stop seeing Tobias before it's to late, I disagree with what she is saying and still sees him on the downlow.

Weeks turn into months and months turned into almost a year of being in puppy love, but for me it was the greatest thing that could have ever happen to me and I'm thinking that no one can ever love me like he can. I'm feeling so in love I'm dreading to tell him that my family is going to move back to Jakarta, Indonesia where my mother is originally from.

After my grandparents passed away on my mothers side we felt that as a family it was a good time to move back so that my mother can sort out her parents wills because she is the eldest out of 8 siblings. We were convinced that if we moved to Indonesia we could make something from our music, there was a higher chance of us getting signed because we were from a mixed background, all we had to do was learn the language and the culture.

So I remember coming back from the city with Tobias and I had to bring my little sister with us, we were walking back to my place and my sister had let out that we were moving in about a months time. I was so angry that she had done that but at the same time relieved because it's out now and there was no turning back from it. He grabbed my hand and asked me if this was true, I nodded yes feeling like my heart was about to jump out of my chest. And what I thought was going to be a disaster ended up the opposite, he hugged me tight and told me that we'll make it through a long distance relationship. I was over the moon with his response.

The time had come for us to leave and I remember my opa (grandfather) and oma (grandmother) waving goodbye to us at the airport not knowing when we will see each other again. I quickly messaged Tobias before I boarded the plane saying that I loved him and everything is going to be alright and we'll make it through this. As we took off I just remember feeling anxious and sick and wanting to just land already, we had a lay over in Singapore so we were able to catch a decent sleep on the beds they have at the airport before our next flight to Jakarta. This would've been my 4th time at Singapore airport and every time I went there, there was always something new and different that they've added.

We finally arrived in Jakarta and my mother's family was there to greet us with smiling faces, my sisters and I didn't really grow up knowing about my mothers family so it was all new to us, but hey they were family so there was still a sense home and comfortability. They took us back to the family house and as soon as I jumped out of the van all the smells came flooding back to me. You see my parents would take family trips back to Jakarta to visit when I was baby/toddler and than when my mother had my younger sisters the trips overseas stopped because the plain and simple fact was that they couldn't afford it. I was lucky in a way because I have those memories of what the food smelt like to the type of cigarette that my uncle smoked, to even the taste of my favorite drink that I still crave for now and than.

Three to four months pass by and our music journey is picking up and we're playing at big venues like The Hard Rock café, we get to perform in massive shopping malls where there is hundreds of people watching and we get to travel to different cities and towns to perform, we felt like it was finally going to happen for us. I kept in contact with Tobias via skype and text message even though my parents hated the idea that I was still in contacting him, but I did what ever I could just to talk to him everyday. We even created an e-mail address that only me and him could get into and would send each other e-mails if there was no other way. This was how dedicated we were to each other.

Performing and moving around a lot does take a lot of energy so I would excise by going for a jog around the neighborhood or by playing basketball with the locals, but I felt my energy levels deplete faster than usual. I would drink at least 2lts of water everyday but the humidity didn't help either because I would just feel lethargic almost all the time. A couple more months go by and I start to feel bloated, in the back of head I already knew what was happening to me but I was in denial and I just knew if it was true my parents would never forgive me. I kept praying and hoping that it was just my body playing up but as the days went by I started to feel her kicks. I was pregnant. The day after I turned 20 my father looked at my stomach and he knew straight away that I was with child, I have never seen my father brake down and cry like he did that day.

I am the closest to my dad and being the eldest child we pretty much did everything together, well he involved me in everything he did and I knew that that day I broke his heart into a million pieces. My mother cursed me out and called me every name under the sun I mean I'm still trying to comprehend what is going to become my reality in a few months time an I haven't even told Tobias, the father of my child that he's going to be a dad.