Diary of A Mixed up Girl

I'm inhaling and exhaling, I'm starting to loose my breath and all I see are my parents crying and pacing around our tiny room. They start yelling as you would expect any parent to react, I mean they did sell their home and up root the whole family to another country with everything they had. In my head I'm thinkin to myself "How can you be so stupid and let this happen?" "I've just ruined everything." My sisters were crying and couldn't even look me in the eyes, I just felt my whole world shatter and everything I thought I knew faded into nothingness. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

After all the crying and yelling, I knew the next steps was going to be the hardest to do. Not only did I still have to call Tobias and tell him, but I had to call my grandparents and let them know the "exciting" news. I couldn't get myself to call Tobias so I messaged him "I'm pregnant!" and within minuets he messaged back "lmao, whose baby? hahaha..." I should've known he wasn't going to take it seriously so I called him, once I repeated myself a couple of times he clicked and was just silent for what felt like a good 5 minuets. He stuttered for a bit and asked if he could call me back, which wasn't a bad idea because my mum was in the background cursing him as well.

A couple of hours had past and I heard nothing back from him yet, so I decide that I should call my grandparents just get it over and done with. I took a deep breath while I'm punching the numbers on the landline (yes, we had a landline where we lived) while it rings I'm hoping that no one is going to pick up, after about four rings I hear my grandfathers voice "Yes, hello."

I've always looked up to the males in my family but especially my grandfather because when my parents couldn't look after me when I was younger due to work or schooling I stayed with my grandparents and they took me to school and band rehearsals. So when I heard his voice I choked but it gradually came out of my mouth, "Opa I have something to tell you and oma….I'm going to have a baby." My grandparents response was, well subtle I guess you can say. "Ya, ok do you have a plan or an idea of what you want to do?" he asks in his thick Dutch accent "are you going to come back here or have the baby over there?" At this point he was asking all the questions and some of them I didn't know how to answer.

By the end of the conversation he comforted me by saying "no matter what you choose we will support you, don't be afraid but be strong." This was the first time I felt calm and collected since I found out about baby. I hung up the phone and I told my parents everything that my grandfather had said. They were a bit more calmer by now and asked me what I wanted to do, I'm still a bit lost for words and I haven't heard from Tobias yet so I wasn't confident in making any decisions that would affect him as well.

My dilemma: 1. stay in Jakarta, have the baby and continue my music career. My sisters and I had the opportunity to sign with a very reputable label, I would obviously have had to tell them that there was going to be another member in a few months time, but there was still a good chance to get signed, it just meant that the relationship between my child and her father would be non existent. Or 2. Go back to Australia, say goodbye to my family and career and live a family life. My emotions were all over the place but I knew I had to choose one.

My father suggested for me to have the baby in Jakarta and when I turn 21 and if I still think that I should go back to Australia by all means go. Tobias finally called back, he told me that he had told his family and they had mixed feelings and suspicions about the situation (fair enough) and I told him what my dad had advised. We spoke for an hour going back and forth about what was going to be best, and both agreed that I would stay with my family and have the baby. We were both optimistic about the decision and because I've never lived without my family before I felt like it was the most sensible decision.

While wrapping up our conversation my mother walks into the room and says that he needs to come over to Jakarta to have a talk. Now yes this is very extreme, she didn't want to do it over skype or video call she wanted him there, physically in front of her to sit down and talk to her. I'm shitting myself and had no words to say, again I choked. I hear him over the phone "is she serious? she can't expect me to come over just to talk?" But my mother was very serious and very persistent that he comes ASAP. The reasoning was because we needed to know how far a long I was, how the hospital bills was going to get paid and baby's needs, you know all the essentials. He agrees to come over within three weeks.

A few days before his arrival, I was feeling very nervous/ anxious and happy at the same time. My family had slowly come to terms with the situation so everything was starting to become normal again. My uncle, mum and myself went around the city to find suitable accommodation for him, because even though they had come to terms with me they still had bitter feelings towards him so he wasn't allowed to come to the family home. I ended up calling a friend and asking him for help, because at the time it seemed like I could talk to him and he understood what I was going through. He agreed to help me find somewhere decent for Tobias to stay in.

The day is finally here but I wasn't allowed to go and pick him up, my mother had asked my uncle to go and get him from the airport and we would meet them at the hotel. I was very frustrated at this point and I couldn't understand why I wasn't allowed to see him before that. So naturally because of the hormones to I was upset and angry but I just kept saying to myself "it's fine, everything is ok...at least you get to see him today."

We pull into the carpark of the hotel, I pretty much jumped out of the car and walked as fast as I could through the doors. My heart is pounding, I'm all sweaty and not just from the heat, I'm getting all giggly and than I see him come out of the elevator. The best feeling ever came over and I just burst out into tears. We hugged each other so tight like we already knew we didn't have that much time together, he was only there for the weekend and I couldn't drive so really it was when ever my mother went I had to go to.

We sat in the foyer of the hotel; my mother, my uncle, myself and Tobias. My dad had decided not come because he wasn't emotionally ready to face Tobias yet, he was still hurting. My mum started and as you can imagine she had a lot of things to get off her chest and how she was dealing with the issue. My uncle was basically there to support her and make sure that she was calm and didn't blow off to much anger in public. Tobias and I sat across form them holding hands just silent and taking everything in, when she had finally finished he pretty much said that he would do all that he needed to do to become a responsible father even if that meant flying back over for the babies birth in a few months time.

My mum was still skeptical but she gave him the benefit of the doubt, three hours later I asked my mum if we could take him out for lunch to one of the malls and also buy some baby things so that at least I could feel what a couple dose before having a baby. She hesitantly agrees but I also could feel that she was hopeful and more centered now that she has released everything that she had been holding in for three weeks. We walked, had lunch and bought some baby things it only lasted a couple of hours but it was all I needed to feel normal again.

It was time to drop him back to the hotel again and it wasn't a very long drive back so we just sat in the backseat and held hands and silence but we knew that we would make it through. We all got out of the car and I embrace he goodbye my uncle shakes his hand and my mum hugs him with tears in her eyes and she whispers to him "I know you're a good guy, you just need to pull your weight now." I'm feeling hopeful, and positive....but that feeling only lasted over night, the next day was the day that decided my future.

Like I said Tobias was only in Jakarta for the weekend, well not even that because we had to drop him to the airport the vey next day about lunch time. While he was checking out he had realized that he didn't have enough money to pay for the everything, so I had to ask my mum if she could spare him some money I think it was equivalent to $40 AUD she of course asked why was his bill so high? she asked him for his receipt and than asked why there was 2 of everything ordered for room service. He had explained that my friend who I had asked for help had apparently reached out to him just after we left and stayed the night in the room. I looked at him very confused.

I questioned him "are you sure?" he looked at me and said why are you questioning me for? I took out my phone and showed him the messages that me and my friend Ricky were sending each other that night. He said that he was out of town with his girlfriend and than going to a job interview in the morning. Tobias, looking confused said that Ricky had come over and stayed the night and left for work early in the morning before the sun came up. I believed Tobias of course, so I told my mum she said to call Ricky up so I did. He answers the phone and my mum starts talking to him in Indonesian, but I can hear by the tone in his voice and some of the words that he was saying he was denying everything, that he wasn't there and that Tobias was lying.

My mum hangs up the phone and explains to Tobias what Ricky had said, this of course infuriated Tobias and myself. My mum asks to see the messages between Ricky and Tobias so he shows her but while he scrolls through his contacts my mum notices that some of the names are under madam1, madam2 and so forth. Which led to the question "where did you get the sim card from?" it turned out that Ricky has supplied him with a sim card because he had no form of communication and it wasn't worth buying a sim card for only 1 and half days. After trying to figure out what was going on and who was lying and who wasn't, we realized that Tobias had to go to the airport and it was about an hour and a half drive from where we were.

My mum paid the receptionist and we left. The ride back to the airport was very intense, because of this little stunt that my friend had pulled my mum was reverting back into her bitter mood again towards Tobias. She pretty much believed Ricky over Tobias and even me, even though I had the messages that he had sent me and shown her but it was like she was blinded by her own emotions to see the truth. I couldn't fully understand the conversation she was having in the car with my uncle but all I know is that she wasn't impressed, she had the conclusion that Tobias had an escort in his room that night. I need to also make clear that the hotel Tobias stayed in was notorious for one night stands and running an escort service right next door, I found this out a few days later.

For a whole week my parents and I are fighting over what happened while Tobias was here. I'm trying to explain to them that there is no way that he would come all the way to Jakarta just to cheat on me. My parents had their theory and even went out of their way just to try and prove me wrong by staying in the very same room he had stayed in and asking for footage of that night. But for obvious reasons the hotel wasn't going to release footage of that night unless you're the police but even that didn't deter my parents so it just made me more depressed and angry and I just wanted out. I grabbed my phone, messaged Tobias saying "buy me a one way ticket back to Australia, I'm coming back. I can't take it anymore." He asked me if I was sure and I said "I'm not flinching and I've made up my mind."

I started to grab everything I owned and pack my suitcase, I wasn't going to change my mind. My parents are telling me that I better be certain about it because I won't be able to come back to them. I get a message saying that the flight is booked and I leave tomorrow afternoon. Now I know there is no turning back from this, I tell my family and we're back at square one again with the crying and arguing. I asked them just to drop me off at the bus depot and I can take the bus to the airport myself if they didn't want to see me off. My parents agree and when the next day came I said goodbye to my sisters even though they didn't want to talk to me and my mum and dad took me to the bus depot.

They both walk me to my bus and my dad asks me one more time "are you sue about this?" I told him "that I was scared but I feel like I need to do this for my baby." He starts to tear up and walks away, my mum doesn't say anything just hugs me and leaves. I turn to get on the bus and it hits me like a pile of bricks that this might be the last time I ever talk to or see my family again, and I just break down even more. The bus ride was long and uncomfortable but it got me to the airport. I go and check in and make my way to the terminal, my face is all puffy from crying and I keep asking myself "am I doing the right thing?" There was no turning back now, the flights was paid for and I'm already at the airport and had to money to catch the bus back home. I keep walking without looking back and I get on the plane, as I get settled in I look out the window and it's slowly becoming a reality that what am I about to do is something out of my element and something that I've never done before.

The plane starts to get some motion and prepares for take off I close my eyes and say a little prayer, it will soon be clear if the choice that I've made was a good one.