Diary from Your Fat Friend

You stand in your closet, turning from side to side, sucking in your "stomach." I watch from my perch on your bed. We both stare at your reflection in the mirror, and I dread the question I know is coming.

"Do I look fat in this?"

"Of course not." I try to hide my frustration. You look amazing. As always. Your stomach is flat. There's nothing there. I simply don't understand what you're so concerned about.

As you fret over your outfit and worry your date might think you're fat, I think about how much space I take up. If you look in the mirror and see fat, what do you see when you look at me?

~~~

You show up at my house in the evening, boasting about how little you've eaten today. I remind you that food is important. Your body needs fuel to survive. You're only hurting yourself in the long run by starving yourself.

Inside though, I'm jealous. Why can't I skip meals? Why am I so hungry? Why don't I have the will power you do?

After you leave, I cry over my dinner. Disappointed in myself for being unable to operate the way you do and disappointed in myself of being jealous of someone hurting themselves.

~~~

I go most of the day without eating - just like you! I didn't mean to, I was just busy. I feel proud, I feel skinny, and I feel sick. I eat a small dinner, hoping to avoid a binge.

I secretly want to brag to you, but I've been lecturing you to eat, and I'm also ashamed over the pride I feel. I go to bed feeling confused - and nauseated.

In the morning I step on the scale, and I'm up from my last weigh in. Defeated, I'm secretly angry at you for being thin and beautiful. When you want to lose a few pounds, you hit the gym, eat less, and suddenly your clothes fit better.

Why can't I do the same?

~~~

You call to complain that you have no "good" photos of yourself. I listen to you go on and on about your double chin, your fat arms, your thick thighs, and your stomach. I don't believe any of it, but I try to be supportive.

Forty minutes later when we hang up, I stand in the mirror and think about all of those things on me. Do you not look at my big fat body and feel skinny in comparison? Because when I look at you, I feel twice your size - which I technically am if we compare your size 10 vs. my size 20.

~~~

I've spent years trying to focus on positive aspects of myself. I've overcome some serious self-image issues. I stopped equating fat with ugly. Fat is just a descriptor. It's not a bad word. I want to leave the negative connotations at the door.

I try to eat right so that I feel good. I go to the gym to get stronger and to keep up with my dog. Those are the things I want to focus on.

I hate that I still let other people's words affect my thoughts, my actions, and, most importantly, the love I have for myself.

I hate that I've let you in my head - letting your poor self-image infect my own.

I hate that our society makes us feel worthless if we don't meet a specific standard. If our weight, our hair, our makeup, our wardrobe, or our attitude doesn't meet their expectations - then suddenly we're less than?

~~~

I don't blame you. We're all victims of the media. We're either too fat or too skinny. Too loud or too quiet. Too tall or too short. Too feminine or too masculine. The list is endless. If we play their game, we'll never win.

So a challenge to everyone reading...

Remind yourself and those around you: we're all beautiful. Each and every one of us - all colors, shapes, and sizes.

Sincerely,

Your Fat (& Beautiful) Friend