Dear Gianna

Q: My boyfriend always gives me compliments about my physical appearance. He says I have the perfect body (I work out a lot), and he always asks me to wear high heels, makeup and mini skirts when we go out. I'm happy that he's attracted to me. Still, he never comments on my personality or my intelligence or generosity. I asked him what he would do if I changed appearance, for example if I put on a lot of weight. He said that he doesn't think he could be with me. Changing my appearance, in his opinion, would be unfair and selfish. I really don't know what to think. Does he love me?

A: Who wouldn't want to be given compliments because they look gorgeous? I can't talk for everyone, but I certainly wouldn't mind. And yet, I understand where you are coming from.

Does he love you; you ask me. I really can't answer that, but his position doesn't sit right with me., somehow.

First, he doesn't seem to be taking into consideration that your appearance will change or might change regardless.

You will age, your weight might change for medical reasons, and there is no guarantee that your appearance will remain the same; in fact, there's only a guarantee that it will change.

And also he seems to be looking at your body as the only thing that makes you desirable.

The debate about whether beauty is an objective or subjective characteristic has been going on for centuries in Philosophy. I don't want to get into it and digress, but I want to consider David Hume's definition. The Philosopher says that "beauty is no quality in things themselves: It exists merely in the mind which contemplates them; and each mind perceives a different beauty. One person may even perceive deformity, whereas another is sensible of beauty". Basically, a more complicate way to say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" (even though in his idea there are other implications).

I will not even try to argue that looks are not important and that we are superficial if we care about them. I think looks are important. But that doesn't mean that only Angelina Jolie's lookalikes deserve love and attention. It means that we all want to be with someone we are attracted to, but what we find attractive differs. Everyone is attractive to someone, regardless of their weight, hair, height, eye colour and jawline.

Someone can be attracted to your infectious smile and think, "Wow, she's gorgeous" every time they look at you giggle, even if you don't meet the beauty standards that fashion magazines and social media have created.

Your boyfriend must have found you very attractive, which is how your relationship started. When you moved on to a deeper soul connection, I hope the attraction changed into love. I'm sure he still sees you as beautiful, but I wonder whether he has learned to cherish your inner beauty.

In 1897 Edmond Rostand wrote a play called "Cyrano de Bergerac". The titular character is a cadet, a witty person, gifted poet and musician. However, he has a disproportionately large nose that makes him insecure. He is in love with the beautiful and intellectual Roxanne, but he believes she will never love him, because of his appearance. After a long series of events that I must skip over, Roxanne tells Cyrano about a man she has fallen in love with. Cyrano is ecstatic as he thinks she's talking about him, but she reveals that the object of her affection is Christian de Neuvillette, a handsome cadet new in town. She is worried for his safety, so she asks Cyrano to befriend him and protect him. And poor Cyrano agrees, despite the soul wrenching news he just got. When the two men start talking about Roxanne, Christian confesses the conundrum he's faced with: he is in love with Roxanne but doesn't know how to woo her because he's neither eloquent nor a skilled writer. Cyrano offers to write letters to her on his behalf. Thanks to the breath-taking love letters, Christian is able to connect to Roxanne in a powerful way: she falls deeply in love with this beautiful man who, she thinks, can talk to her soul. When they finally meet face to face, Christian makes a fool of himself, trying to replicate the depth in Cyrano's letters. Roxanne is shocked and disappointed, but Cyrano has an idea. He makes Christian stand under Roxanne's balcony and hides in the darkness, whispering to him what to say. Christian and Roxanne marry secretly, but unfortunately, the newlywed husband and Cyrano are sent to war straight after the wedding. From the front Cyrano keeps writing on behalf of Christian to Roxanne. In one of her letters Roxanne finally tells her husband that she has come to love his soul so much that she would love him even if he were ugly. In a sad turn of events, Christian dies at war, and Roxanne, devastated retires in a convent. After fifteen years and the end of the war, Cyrano still visits her regularly, but one morning he arrives to her mortally wounded by an accident, knowing this is the last time he'll see her. He asks Roxanne to let him read the last letter Christian wrote her. She gives it to him, but midway through reading it, Cyrano starts reciting it. At that moment, Roxanne understands that Cyrano had been writing all the moving words she had fallen in love with. She runs to him, telling him she loves him, but he dies.

Roxanne was in love with a soul. Had she known what was happening, she probably wouldn't have bothered with Christian. She found him attractive, but she only fell in love with him because she thought he had it all. As soon as she realised that the essence she had fallen in love with belonged to Cyrano, regardless of his appearance, looking at him, she only saw the man she loved.

Has your boyfriend seen your soul? If not, why has he not bothered to look that deep? Only you can answer these questions, but make sure the depth you are looking for is matched. If you're capable of loving a soul, find someone who's prepared to go on that inner journey with you.