dare to change?

November 21st, 2022

It’s the day after our fourth-year anniversary and I thought the confusion would have passed by now. I thought that the shadows of summer would be now under feet of snow, that they would only resurface when the ice melted again. But I was wrong, the shadows came back faster than I had wished.

I’m still confused, and I can tell that he is too. I don’t know which of his actions are genuine and which are mere reflections of my own actions. It’s been proven time and time again that he is shaped to hold. He won’t give in and will subconsciously use the I won't change for anyone-excuse way too often. What he doesn't realize is, he would really be changing for himself, not anyone else.

Just like me, he needs to accept his flaws. If he doesn’t go through these personality issues right now, we might not only ruin our relationship, but we also run the risk of repeating the same mistakes in the future, with other people. Change is good. I always try to remind myself of that, and deep down, this is probably what scares me the most.

I like to change, and I know that leaving him would probably be the biggest change I ever made in my life. A part of me says it would be beneficial, for both of us. He’ll get the freedom that he so longs for, and I’ll have the opportunity to go find someone that truly speaks my love language - fluently. Someone that fulfills all the missing criteria that I can’t find on him. Love is a decision, much like change.

My decisions have been careful lately. We’ve reached our fourth-year anniversary but somehow, we’re still battling the core issues in our relationship that have haunted us since the very beginning. How foolish of me; I saw it coming. I thought I had prepared for this moment of intense tension. Anxiety.

It’s been getting harder and harder to stay calm and patient. I feel like I need to act, I need to decide for myself. The issue for me is, I don’t know if the decisions I want to take are actually my own will. I feel that I might just be trying to spike something up on him, but I know that won’t happen. At this point, I know him well enough to predict his reactions to a certain degree.

I thought l had changed much more than he had throughout these four years, but I may be wrong. I think he’s become incredibly confident and daring while with me. He’s gotten introduced to worlds that he didn’t pay attention to prior to being with me. With me. With me. With me. I’m so afraid of without me.

I know I’ll be fine whatever the case comes to be, but the dream of growing old together and building our own stone-oven in a house in Italy will remain. The doubt, and the possibility that I may never find a person, that fits me just as perfectly as he does, lingers. Don’t get me wrong, I know I can match with many other people that I’d get along just as much, but it’s him I want.

I can’t stress anymore about love. I’m tired, and last night, seeing the guy with spiked hair from twice in one night, really shook me. I want my boyfriend to feel possessiveness. To care to the point of being jealous, crying. I think I have only seen him cry once in four years, goddamn. He often just assumes, and the silence prevails, leading to more confusion and misunderstanding.

One day I’ll know if the decisions I'm currently making are positive. At the end, it’s a matter of choice more than anything else. Maybe I would be better off alone after all.

- Ms. Rodwell