on the edge of the cliff

October 2nd, 2022

The trees are yellow now and the wind is cold; and I feel closer to my inner self. There's something so soothing about autumn, a certain reminder that it’s time to recoil and look inwards.

I’ve been trying to navigate this hurricane of emotions that have stormed my life recently. I’ve talked to countless people about my struggles, and everyone seems compassionate and understanding. They tell me I’m strong, that I’m the bigger person in my situation. That this soon will pass, that all I need is to let go.

I’ve been trying to compromise but the process is haunting. It’s turning me yellow like the leaves on the trees. Dying as the cold sets in. I can’t help but think that I need to leave him, that when I go, he’ll miss me, and appreciate me more. But by then, it might be too late.

My perception of other people has changed. When I was single, I looked for sex and comfort because I wanted to grow with someone romantically - and I found it, and everything was working out how I dreamed it. Though recently, a request for freedom has shaken me up. I don’t know what to look for now, or if I should look for something at all. I feel angry, ashamed, tired. Exhausted actually.

I don’t know how much more I can compromise. I don’t know how much more I can let love conquer all. I’m afraid that by letting go of fear and jealousy, I’ll also let go of my love for him.

Everyone I talk to tells me: “if you’re not comfortable, don’t take it” but it’s not that simple. They ask me what I want, and I answer that what I want is to be with him, but not like this.

Our relationship the past days has been reduced to sex. We don’t talk. We’re busy. He’s too afraid to ask, so he just doesn’t reach out. Afraid that I’ll explode. But if he truly knew me, he’d know I have no gun pulver left.

I smoke my cigarettes with a hole in my heart. Thinking of him doing what he does to me, to another person. Reaching for that connection that he so longs for but can’t see that he already has it.

I feel unappreciated, unseen. Misunderstood, left behind. Like a baby crying for help, but no one shows up to their assistance.

Other people sympathize and they try to help and talk to me, and sure, that gives me room to rationalize but the only one that could truly make a difference, seems to only care about their piano. And I’m left by the curb. Roadkill.

How much longer can I take? Will he ever change his mind? Will I? Is monogamy unrealistic? Or too much to ask of a free lover? Why don’t I feel the same? Is he asking too much of me? How selfish of him. God, I’m angry. God, I pity myself.

Love is so hard to find and now that we have it, he wants it from someone else. The curse of reverse psychology, we want what we can’t have - and we break those we love trying to achieve the unachievable.

I’ll try to enjoy the last pieces of color left in the trees, before darkness sets in and I’m frozen for good. For now, I don’t even feel like trying to make things work. I’m by the edge of the giving up cliff, about to take a step forward, hoping that he’ll grab me by the shirt and bring me back to safety.

Maybe I should leave him. But that would hurt tremendously, maybe more than the idea of him being with another person. Or maybe not.

- Ms. Rodwell