tell me how I'm feeling

August 5th, 2022

It’s been confusing. I haven’t quite understood how I’ve been doing. A certain stagnation that feels numbing, patiently waiting to feel something. Maybe that’s the doom of generation-internet: the constant blend of tiny pleasure in a vast of boredom, like reaching for Instagram while waiting for an elevator, or riding the bus. Boredom and funny videos, music, serotonin. But you’re bored.

It’s the peak of summer, and I’m sweating. It’s around 1:30AM and I’m sitting in bed. Attempting to register through this entry where I'm currently at in my life. I haven't written in a few weeks. My mind has been unoccupied with other matters and these entries are mostly for myself to have something to look back to. Though I know that future-me will be criticizing every menace of this.

I haven't exactly been treating myself so kindly; I’ve fallen back into bad habits that I had in my early youth. I've been doubting my own strength and whether sticking here, in this city specifically, is the right decision - trying to fall asleep to the essence of summertime melancholy: LCD Soundsystem, then I remember that in the least, I have love here. So I make up my mind once more, and I decide to stay.

Sorry, but I can only seem to write about this one topic. The most popular of emotions has conquered a solid, permanent place in my mind. I never want to stop loving again. I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to love for this long, but yes, I have.

I don't really have any friends here besides my partner but we’ve had many guests stay over with us during summer - some for a weekend, others for a whole week, and it filled the void to an extent. But when they leave, I’m reminded: all the friends that I made in this city have gone somewhere else, or back to where they came from - and now I'm found alone, with only one lover to hold on to. I’m not sure if he has others to support him or if he's an emotional leaning tower of Pisa like me. But after 4 years, I can tell I’m one of his pillars too.

I’ve been alone, without him, in our apartment for over a week - with a lot of time to think. Is it toxic to be so attached to a person, because you feel like they bring out the best in you? Is this selfish or smart? Perhaps opportunist? Or simply raw, complex emotion?

The solution may sound obvious: make new friends, or move to another city. But this involves a larger explanation that goes beyond my mental capacity at the moment.

I know it’s not good to make this person my only reason for not moving out of here, but here I am. I try to find other aspects of life here that appeal to me, but nothing seems to capture me as well as my partner. I am happy, but simply because I know what the issues in my current life are and that I am making a conscious decision to stay, everyday. And I’ll worry about these uncertainties when the time comes.

When I was younger I used to describe myself as a gold mine - hidden and precious, just waiting to be found and explored for personal advantage. Luckily the one who found me has managed to keep good care of the treasure. The surface may be a little rough, but our roots lie deep down - and pulling it apart would be devastating.

What gives me hope is that I know circumstances can change extremely fast. Be it at home, or in the office, in the world. Everything is always changing, and I follow along. Elegantly.

- Ms. Rodwell