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About Who? Me?

by Christina DeFeo 2 months ago in humanity · updated 25 days ago

Do I even know me?

An original photo taken by me, featuring me, in the Financial District section of NYC

Let's get to know the Vocal author, Christina DeFeo. There are a few things I am certain of myself:

I am understanding

I am loving

I am kind

I try to always see things within reason

I am very empathetic

I will always figure things out

I am constantly learning and growing

I best express myself through writing. Words are important to me and I dissect everything from tone to syntax, grammar, reading in between the lines, and much more.

I see and understand things through a psychological standpoint so I am constantly evolving myself towards my embetterment.

Passion is ingrained in my DNA, but it’s hard for me to direct it on one thing. It’s hard for me to find my niche.

I want to become successful from home while being present for my family doing something I love and enjoy.

It’s hard for me to write this because I would have to face and be honest about my past because it shaped me into who I am today. I have written, deleted, second and third guessed sentences and whole paragraphs for this story, fearing if what I'm writing is right. I read once that trauma shapes your personality and often in order to get past said trauma we must find who we were before then. Who am I when I remove my trauma response personality?

I am a very soon to be 35 year old fierce, Scorpio , half Puerto Rican half Italian woman, mother of three, born and raised in Brooklyn, NY. I was the young Spanish girl who never wanted to leave Brooklyn, thought I would raise my family there, but Brooklyn has changed and so have I. I am blessed to have been fortunate enough to be born and raised in Brooklyn, as a tough city produces tough, strong willed people. For the last two years, I have been living in Jersey City, NJ and I absolutely love it, very similar to my hometown, but the population is way smaller. I have space and it’s affordable, plus it’s only a 20min train ride back into NYC. I remember fantasizing as a teen on where I would be and what I would be doing at 35 and being a mom of three would not be my first guess!

My son's second birthday

Growing up it was hard for me to take direction. I had that I knew what was best for me attitude and in turn it made me very independent. I had straight A’s in school, hardly cut class, was not promiscuous, but I did have a steady boyfriend. I started dating him when I was 13 and our relationship would end around my 21st birthday. For me, mentally it ended at least two years prior. This relationship is one I had during the prime of my life and it had a big impact on mental development. Like all relationships, the beginning is the best and we were young so when I look back at it I realize we grew up and developed together, but we grew in 2 different directions and I recognized that way before he did. The more I developed the more possessive he became, to the point he wanted me to wear jackets during summer in order not to expose skin, no shorts either. He didn’t want me going home and he masked his true reason behind “because I love you and want to be around you all the time” instead of saying “I don’t want you leaving because I don’t trust you” and even then it was because he knew of his own infidelities, something I wouldn’t find out until a year after our official break up. Why did I put up with it? I asked myself that over and over again and when I’m 10000% honest with myself it was because of my pride; it was too much for me to admit to my mother and sisters that I made a mistake and I need help. That says a lot about who I am in itself.

I finally had the courage to leave him but not without some drama that can be a whole story on its own. I have this habit of looking on the bright side of everything so I was able to take everything I did not want in my future partner out of the relationship I just left. I did complete High School and finish some college, I dropped out when I broke my ankle, I was Pre-Vet. Fast forward 15 years (ahhhh!) and I am a certified Medical Biller with 16 years experience in the medical field and currently am Director of Operations at a Neurology Practice. I work from home 4 days a week and go into the office once and that is only because I just returned from maternity leave from having baby #3 four months ago.

It’s hard to find your groove again after having a baby let alone find it when it’s the third, but I am equipped with things I was not before and that is experience, knowledge, growth, and motivation. It’s been really hard for me to stay motivated throughout my life. I am famous for starting something and not finishing, but I am determined to finish now, for my children. Children learn by what they see and hear, so I need to be the example for them. I have successfully homeschooled my daughter for her kindergarten year due to Covid and my baby can read, write, and do basic math. She loves to help cook and paint. Her brother is her shadow.

I’ve always had low self esteem and confidence, but never knew why, but now I think it is because of my first relationship. I was molded into a people pleaser who put the feelings of others above her own, but what were my feelings? Do I want to say no? Do I want to set a boundary? Am I over-thinking? Overreacting? Saying something would cause trouble...I have fears to overcome and I will completely do that through my writing and having the supportive, loving partner I do now. Writing gives me courage because I don’t see the faces of those who read my stories, my fear of judgement is out of sight out of mind. I found Vocal when I needed it the most, I was pregnant with my rainbow baby and my 1 Year Anniversary of loss was approaching. I was emotional, but good at hiding it, well if you count snappiness, mood swings, crying, laughing, and silent periods, as hiding it, then yes I hid it well. Vocal gave me the release and it never stopped. If I can keep this going and create a brand and name for myself, I will. I will because I want to, I haven’t been this enthusiastic about a new start in a long time. My pot of gold is Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

I will continue to write stories that give glimpses into my life with fun, adventurous spins to them. Most of my stories are inspired by true life events, but have been spiced up or watered down. Unwritten and Still Putting the Pieces together are based on true life events as well as If You See Something Say Something. Most of the pics in my stories are originals, taken and edited by me as well.

I have so much to be proud of about myself, things I would usually overlook and downplay, but that’s over and done with.

Who I am when you remove my trauma response personality?

A compassionate, selfless, patient, human being who just wants to spread love the Brooklyn way.

My first day back at work, 4 months post partum

My current view of NYC from across the river

Want to read more of my stories?

Click here for my Vocal page.

I am participating in all the Summer Fiction Series short stories, so if you're into cliffhangers, plot twists, and unpredictability, then I am your author.

humanity

Christina DeFeo

A mom looking to express and lose herself in some imagination.

Facebook: @TinaChrisTheBookkeeper

Instagram @TinaChris_thewriter

Want to join Vocal+? Use this link to get started https://vocal.media/vocal-plus?via=christina-defeo

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