1 Year Anniversary

March 18, 2020

I have been yearning for some quiet time; time to be able to rummage through my thoughts and find some that make sense. There is too much noise around me, too many demands, too much of the same as always. Nothing else has stopped and nothing else has changed, except me. The physical is obvious and the mental/emotional is attempting to stay hidden so I am perceived as strong. Perception is everything. Strangely and unexpectedly, I feel stronger. I feel more powerful. My energy is surging, providing me a type of drive that I've never felt before while erratically fueling my mind. Very difficult to manage a single thought, even more to elaborate on it without distraction. Focus is hard. I thought I wasn't angry, but there are times when I lash out angrily and feel guilt immediately after. I do not want my children to suffer...

8 days prior

March 10, 2020

It is a Tuesday. I arrive at work around 10:00 am like any other Tuesday, sit at my desk and begin my work day. I am the Director of Operations to a multi practitioner Neurology office with multiple locations in NYC and Long Island. Today I am at the Upper East Side office location. I am also currently 15 weeks pregnant with my third child. Unborn 3, as I call it while in the womb. This nickname I created with my younger sister, beginning with my daughter, Unborn 1, five years ago, when I first became a mother. Unborn 2 was my son, who will turn one in April and now I carry Unborn 3. I just informed my sister the day prior that I was expecting as she is as well. She is due in July and to be pregnant at the same time as her for these upcoming couple of months will be enjoyable .

One more important fact, this is the beginning of Covid 19. The time when we knew there was a virus, Italy was already on lock down, but the citizens of the USA are still questioning the severity. Will it come here? Is it as bad as the media says? Is it already here? Quarantine? What's that? That could never happen, that’s too extreme. My mind was leery, so starting yesterday I stopped bringing my daughter to school. She usually commutes with me every morning as she goes to Pre-K in NYC, but keeping her home was best for her as much as it was for me. I did not know at the time that my beginning of Covid story would be completely different from everyone else's.

After answering a few calls, responding to my messages, and drinking my daily morning chocolate milk, I go to the bathroom. I think to myself as I walk there, here it begins, the frequent bathroom breaks. They say the more you become pregnant, the more frequently the bathroom runs occur. And that is exactly what they are, runs, because you end up soft jogging there to avoid going on yourself. When I am finished I notice something is wrong, I am spotting. Hmm, should I be concerned? After all, I have never spotted before in any pregnancy, but I should know when something is wrong. Up until that moment, all felt fine. I go back to my desk. I take some more calls, assist several patients with their insurance needs for their visit, and go to the bathroom at least five more times within the following two hours to check if the spotting has stopped. It has not. My heart begins to race and I walk to my staff at the front desk. I wait in the corner until the desk has cleared from patients and quietly address them.

"Ladies, I think I have an emergency. I am 15 weeks pregnant (no one knew at the time except immediate family) and am spotting. I wasn't too worried at first, but it is not stopping and I think I should go to the ER."

They both stopped, looked at me and at the same time responded "Go". This is when I get really nervous. I was hoping for reassurance and not to worry advice. But I didn't get that. So unwillingly, I grab my stuff and head to Lenox Hill without a word to my boss or anyone else for that matter except my significant other. I call him and reassure him I'm overreacting, but better safe than sorry, right? I will call you as soon as I know something.

I arrive at the ER and triage is different. They check my temperature and ask me immediately upon entry if I am there because of fever, cough, chest pain, or other respiratory complaints. Have I traveled out of the country in the last month? None of the former. I fill out the intake form with my complaint and wait to be called. It takes 15 minutes. The nurses ask me some questions and say I will go for an ultrasound. I change into my gown and wait. It takes about 30 minutes. They arrive with a wheelchair and roll me to Radiology. The tech asks me to confirm my date of birth for identification purposes and proceeds to ask me to have a seat and lay down.

"Why are you here today?"

"I am 15 weeks pregnant and began spotting this morning and it has not stopped. Just here to confirm that everything is fine."

"First baby?"

"Third"

She puts on the gel and lately they have been keeping the ultrasound gel warm so it was soothing when it fell onto my belly. I usually stare directly at the techs to examine their facial expressions, but this time I did not want to. I did not want to further worry myself.

"I am here just to hear the heartbeat", I say in a tone of certainty.

No response, but she is finished.

"I am going to get the doctor, be right back."

"Did you hear the heartbeat?

"I am just a tech. The doctor will be right in."

She leaves.

I wait.

It takes about 15 minutes.

Doctor walks in with tech.

"Hi. I'm the Radiologist here..."

I cut him off before he could say anything else, "Is there a heartbeat?"

"No"

My very next thought was wow that escalated quickly.

"No? That's a joke, right?" I turn to see the tech's face hoping I see a smile of reassurance, but she's not even looking at me.

"No it's not"

Then I began to cry and he asked if I had any other questions and when I couldn’t answer, I heard him say something, but I wasn’t listening so he just left. I remember thinking to myself this cry doesn’t seem real. Was I crying because of grief? Or was I crying because I felt I had to?

I stopped. I realized the tech was still standing there and we locked eyes. She said,

“We are waiting for transport to take you back downstairs so you can get dressed and speak to the ER doctor.”

“Have you ever had to give someone news like this before?”

“No”

I eerily laughed and responded “Looks like this is a first for the both of us”

I began to cry again. This time it was hard and my breathing became heavy because the next flood of thoughts was calling my significant other. How can I call him and tell him this kind of news over the phone? He is at home in Jersey City with our two children and I am in NYC. He would want to come to me. I can’t be so distraught in front of them. My daughter knew about Unborn 3.

Transport is here.

I put the blanket over my head as if hiding from news crews so no one can see my grief. I feel like the whole staff knows and will stare at me with their pity faces. I feel the rolling begin.

Silence except for the sounds of my sniffles. We stop and I realize I am back at the bed I changed at. We took the elevator already?

“Do you need help to get up?”

“No thank you”

Next thing I realize I am dressed and now sitting there waiting again. It takes 10 more minutes for a team of women practitioners to enter my room. I feel honored and empowered to have a team of women by my side to comfort, support, and understand me. Some people say women can be cruel critics toward other women, but in a situation like the one I am in right now, I felt nothing but love to be surrounded by my fellow wombman.

“I am so sorry for the news you just received. Do you have any questions?” One of them said.

“What’s next?”

A different one answered, “The three options are, one, you can schedule a DNC here, but that will be in two weeks because we have to officially make you a patient here and also due to Covid non emergent surgeries are being scheduled cautiously.”

DNC?? Non emergent???

“Second option is you can make an appointment with your doctor and check if they can schedule you sooner and the third option is we can send you home with a pill to take to help the body release it on its own.”

Home? With what?? They do that?!

“Do you know the reason why this happened?”

“No, but if you decide to do the procedure we can test it after to find out.”

Why did I ask that? That was a stupid question. I don’t know what to say next so I am just silent, but my mind is loud and erratic. I have a million questions with a million more things to say, but do not know if I should say anything at all. What do I do next? I notice I’m crying and realize they hear everything they need to through my tears and sobs. One of the women practitioner says,

“This happens to a lot of women and the last thing you should do is blame yourself. Is there someone you would like to call? Would you like some water?

I thought to myself, I do not care how many women this has happened to, it’s happening to me now and I hate this feeling. I don’t want this feeling. Why should it be comforting that other women have experienced this heinous feeling? It makes me feel worse thinking of all the sadness and grief experienced by others. My cries are for them now, for everyone, who has ever felt such immense loss, grief, and/or sadness before. They give me my moment, but I also know they are still there because they need an answer from me on how to proceed and document my discharge. I take a few deep breaths in an attempt to bring myself back together and manage a few sentences.

“I need to call my significant other and my job to let them know I am not coming back. Also, I will follow up with my doctor and schedule everything with them. I get no service here, is there a phone I can use?”

“Of course, there is a phone right over behind this wall so you can have some privacy. Also, we will reach out to your doctor to provide the initial details and send over all the results we have. This way they are expecting your call and follow up with you if they do not hear from you within 24/48 hours.”

Efficient. “Thank you”

As I walk to make my calls and make my turn around the wall, I think to myself, “Is this wall and phone here for this exact purpose?

March 11, 2020

Covid lockdown started today and I had to go see my doctor. Luckily I have been allowed to bring my partner and two children. Were masks mandated yet? I do not remember. What I do remember is the discussion with my doctor and confirming what I had already been told, but with more detail: fetus gestation measured at only 8 weeks and 3 days (I should have been about 15 weeks at time of ultrasound), then telling me, due to Covid, my procedure could not be scheduled until March 17, 6 days away.

“6 days from now? Is that safe?”

Must be if the doctor suggests it.

We take the kids to the park before heading home. They need it and so do I. Some people have masks, others do not. We have ours because we never took it off from the appointment. A mother yanks her child from getting too close to mine, “Why come to the park if you’re scared”, I think to myself. Is Covid that serious? Should we be here?

March 12-15, 2020

I have never felt so emotionally turbulent before, but I had an energy surging that was a constant. The question of why had dissipated because what if that answer made me the reason. I cried, I was silent, I did not laugh, I cleaned everything, but I felt stronger. I knew that this would not stop me from trying for more babies, it would only push me into having more. The surgery added anxiety because of Covid. Fear, uncertainty, loss, grief, and sickness was happening all around, but I could not process the thought of a pandemic at this time either. My sensitivity towards Covid was low because of my personal circumstance or could I only handle one crisis at a time? Am I processing all this correctly? What is correct? I have to tell people? Everyday I felt something different; some days I wanted pity, I wanted people around me to hug, cry with me, and feel my sadness, but other days I wanted no one to feel my heartache and I thought myself to be weak when I felt vulnerable. What could the support, or lack thereof, from others change anything in regards to this circumstance? My emotional state was so rocky, I had no idea how to grieve. Was this grieving? I had a counter argument or claim to every single thought I had. I was my own worst enemy or was I my own best friend? Maybe I was on this emotional rollercoaster because I had to wait until the 17th to get off?

March 16,2020

This is the night before my scheduled procedure. My cousin came over with her son in order to babysit my children for the day tomorrow. My procedure was scheduled at 7 am which meant a 6 am arrival to hospital. I began to feel cramps on this day, but paid little mind to them, and after a day of preparing for tomorrow, I was sitting on the couch winding down. Very suddenly, I felt this release and gush; I looked at my partner with this “oh no” look on my face and all I said was “It’s happening”. I began to cry once I really processed my own words and realized I had to go into the bathroom. My cousin was sitting there with me and took all the kids to the bedroom and closed the door. As I waddled to the bathroom, I told my partner to go check the couch and make sure it wasn’t stained.

I am overwhelmed with emotion because of the realization of what my body is doing on it’s own.

I remember every detail of these moments, but when attempting to translate the moment into words, I feel the need to hold back. Should I disclose details of my words, my thoughts, the bond I shared with my partner during such a private moment? No. I will not invoke any of the sentiments I felt unto others, no matter how many others experienced what I did. We were in that bathroom for three hours while our other two children played and went to sleep in their room with their cousin. Funny how the universe will either align everything to happen so smoothly or it will be the biggest chaos, I am forever grateful mine was the former.

March 17, 2020

I go to my scheduled procedure appointment. The check in process is very different due to Covid. Wait in the lobby while you get your temperature checked, sanitize your hands, and wear your mask. They called upstairs to let them know I arrived and I had to wait in the lobby until they were ready to register me. My significant other had to wait in the lobby the entire time until I was ready to go home. During registration I explained to the nurse what occurred the previous night and she stated she would inform my doctor, but I needed to prep anyway in case I needed something. I prepped, I waited by myself, I saw the doctor, explained what happened, he got the ultrasound machine, checked me and cleared me to go home. My body went the natural route. My mind was racing many different routes. One comforting thought was I made it through the 17th.

March 18, 2020

I have been yearning for some quiet time; time to be able to rummage through my thoughts and find some that make sense. There is too much noise around me, too many demands, too much of the same as always. Nothing else has stopped and nothing else has changed, except me. The physical is obvious and the mental/emotional is attempting to stay hidden so I am perceived as strong. Perception is everything. Strangely and unexpectedly, I feel stronger. I feel more powerful. My energy is surging, providing me a type of drive that I've never felt before while erratically fueling my mind. Very difficult to manage a single thought, even more to elaborate on it without distraction. Focus is hard. I thought I wasn't angry, but there are times when I lash out angrily and feel guilt immediately after. I do not want my children to suffer...they will not suffer. I will make it through this a better person and mother.

March 18, 2021

1 year later. I feel compelled to write my story because I realize something. I realize that my one year anniversary is coming up while I carry my rainbow baby. This is a term I learned just in the past two or three months. A rainbow after the rain storm. My due date is April 1, 2021. We decided not to find out the gender since we already have a daughter and a son, let Unborn 4 be a surprise. And a surprise this baby will be because as of this date, my dad does not know I am pregnant. I am being extremely cautious with this pregnancy as this is my rainbow baby so telling people was last on my priority list. I only confirmed my pregnancy if I was directly asked. Covid assisted me greatly with keeping quiet and that helped me carry this pregnancy. I’ve been told this tactic may not be a good approach as many people are apprehensive to ask a woman if she is pregnant, but my dad is not one of those people and with Covid, who else was I interacting with? If my dad wants to know something, he will directly ask, especially his daughters. We do not see each other often due to Covid, but at 9 months pregnant, two weeks away from my due date, how could you not notice? I drove him to the airport and picked him up,

went to his house, and nothing. Let’s see how he feels when he just sees a baby! Some may not agree with me on this, but that is their problem, not mine. Not only does having a miscarriage jade you, but also the feedback you get from others does so as well. Women do not want to hear, “Maybe this was meant to happen.” “Maybe this means this was not the right time for you to have another baby.” “Oh, this happens to everyone.” “You have a boy and a girl, why another?” This is the main reason why some families choose to keep pregnancy quiet for a little while before announcing. It takes courage to disclose this to people and even more courageous to experience it. I like to protect myself from bad energy and negative feedback, so my approach is to block that as much as possible especially while growing a baby. A lot of opinions will also say matters as such should be kept quiet and private, but know what I say? Do what helps you heal. Do what helps you move on, do what satisfies YOU. Do what makes you content without the threat of outside influence. That is why I am writing this account.

I have gained immense insight and strength from my recent experiences that has carried me through this pregnancy and has provided me with the mental preparation for this upcoming birth. All the worry, questions, tears, laughs, and love has brought me to this point. I am more powerful beyond my present understanding and I have tasted it. To all women who have gone through this experience as well, cheers to making it this far. I know past feelings still linger, but it's about your response to those feelings, not your reaction. Respond in the best way that suits you. To all the partners who experienced this with their woman, you are not forgotten. Thank you for enduring and staying by our side, it made all the difference. For those who were alone with little to no support system, just know there are support resources out there waiting for your call. And lastly, to those who know someone who has or is going through this experience, there is no general support instruction I can provide for you to say, except know and understand this person’s love language and respond accordingly. Love is the answer to everything and that is exactly what will carry me and my family forward. My due date is two weeks away, I have a feeling my birthing experience will be a story to tell as well.

And here is that story

Somewhere Over The Rainbow