A Love Letter;

I'm angry with you... but I'm more angry with me! I'm angry with you, because each time you tell me "No!", I can still feel in your arms that you mean "Yes!" But I am more angry with myself because each time you tell me "No!" I try to tell myself "No!" when every part of me, really means "Yes!"

If I die tomorrow, I don't want my last day to be spent, pretending that I don't want, the only thing I have ever truly wanted. I'm angry with myself for the lies I have told, trying to convince myself that I don't want you and don't love you! I'm angry with myself for all the time I've spent with others... trying not to think about you... when my mind wanders back to you anyway - because that's the only place I really want to be.

I know all your reasons for saying "No!"... even when you don't spell them out for me. They are good reasons, and reasons I won't argue with, but I would also tell you that I see things differently. The obstacles you see... look like opportunities to me, and the reasons you doubt yourself - are not doubts at all for me... But I will not argue the points with you, because they are your points, and because they are yours, and a part of you - I love all your hesitations and doubts, just as much as I love the rest of you.

You see... Your doubts show me that you pause to think before you act, often about my well-being, over your own interests. The way you define, defend, and observe boundaries between us, show me that you are capable of leadership in the best interest of a "whole" over just yourself. Your rules that govern our friendship, show me that you appreciate and provide structure... and the way we occasionally break the rules, together... shows me you are as human as I am.

One, plus one, makes three, and any pie we make together is sure to be better than two shit pies, we each make alone. That has been our theme since the beginning, and it still is. I pick up your slack and you pick up mine... and together we are greater than the sum of our parts.

My best friend... my apocalypse partner. We have watched the world burn down around us and rain down in ash, and between us, we have faced many obstacles... and have never left each other to handle them alone. Each time we part... we always circle back. "The proof is in the pudding!" so they say.

You say "No!", and that's ok... I know you have your reasons. But what I say in return, is that my heart and mind have decided on you. I have dipped my toes into other springs, and the water is never quite right. Too cold! Too hot! Too fast... not fast enough!

I don't need you to love me equally... Love is never equal! One is always chasing a little more than the other. One is always chasing and one running away... and then they take turns. That is the dance... That is the way we dance, and we have been dancing long enough for me to know I don't want to do this dance with anyone else... not anyone but you!

don't love me... or pretend that you don't, and see if I care! I am unbothered and undaunted by your pretend indifference. You show yourself in the way you seek me out if I wander too far away. You show yourself in the way you dance around invitations, trying to avoid having to eat your words when you miss me. You show yourself in the way you smile when you see me. You show yourself in the way you hug me, a little tighter... and a little longer. You show yourself when you say, "The thunderstorm made me think of you... and our walks!"

You show yourself!

I don't need you to say it. I don't need you to be here. I don't need you to be anything other than what you are, exactly as I found you, exactly as you have been. But what I will say is, DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!

Don't tell me not to love you! You know me better than to think I will do anything... just because you tell me so; And in doing so, I am only inclined to do more of the thing. So, if you tell me not to love you, I will love you more, because all your reasons for saying "No!", are my reasons for saying "Yes!", and I will do as I please!

I will not die tomorrow, robbing myself of the only thing I want today. I will not die tomorrow, lying to myself today. I don't mind if the parts don't mix equally, and we both know what it feels like to be the one who just loves MORE...! I know you also, are used to being the one who loves MORE, and maybe it is just your turn to be loved MORE...!

You can do what you wish with this information... Cherish it, recoil from it, be indifferent to it, or write it down and set it on fire. Because me loving you, isn't just for you... it's for me too, and my heart and my head have decided on you... for reasons you doubt, for reasons you disagree with, for reasons you hesitate to accept, and for reasons you know nothing about.

My reasons are mine, just as yours are yours, and so is my choice to spend my love on you! I will no longer have this conversation with you... about whether or not, you are worthy of love!