3 Essentials for Choosing the Right Partner

In the light of some depressing divorce statistics, it might be stating the obvious to say that seeking a soulmate for life, or even a few months, is a very important decision. But it is a fact in need of restating.

The simple truth is that it gets forgotten as soon as our eyes meet those of the perceived ‘chosen one’. Instead, we abandon common sense (or, conversely, we are ruled too much by it), as our familiar patterned behaviour is triggered in the hope of achieving our desires. The result is that nothing much changes – we go on seeking partners in just the same way we have always done, and, not surprisingly, continue feeling as disappointed with the outcomes as ever.

This post aims to change that demoralising circular approach.

Most of us fear being alone indefinitely. If you are single, or in a bad relationship, what will be your dearest wish today?

My guess is that it will be to meet someone wonderful, someone to love and cherish you in a mutually appreciative way, someone to enhance your level of happiness. In short, someone with whom you share strong chemistry and love. The question is, how do you go about finding this ideal person in the face of so many hit-and-miss attempts, and failing relationships?

Speaking from experience, it can be very difficult when you don’t know how.

According to the UK’s National Statistics, there were over 102,000 divorces in 2023, a number that represents almost 40 per cent of marriages. Put another way, during the one hour it takes to enjoy your lunch, today, 11 British families will go their separate ways. Add the break-ups of civil partnerships and those who are just living together, and you get the true picture. When the figures are put in such stark terms, it is easy to see that too many relationships are simply not working.

Yet, each person seeking a date or soulmate, or stuck in a negative relationship, has a chance of securing the positive outcome they seek and finding the proverbial ‘happy ever after’ bliss. We create our own reality, so we have much more power than we think. Success in life is 90 per cent preparation and 10 per cent luck. It has little to do with whom we might randomly meet, but everything to do with us, because our unique pattern of reaction is the biggest obstacle to positive results in finding our ideal.

Personal Pattern of Reaction

Formed by our childhood and past experiences, this reaction pattern (our attitude to others and our expectations of them) constantly changes and rearranges itself in response to the hurt or happiness we encounter routinely. This interactive pattern waits patiently to work its magic, or its misery, on some unsuspecting person we might meet, and the moment someone draws our attention, the pattern swings into action.

If it is a positive pattern, based primarily upon warm experiences, you won’t need this post, because your life will no doubt be blooming. You fly in the face of predictions because you are loved, desired and wanted most of the time – congratulations! However, if your pattern of life is like that of most people – one of broken hearts and short-term liaisons; of doubt, insecurity, unhappiness, intermittent loneliness, or ‘victimhood’ – once triggered, your reaction pattern will continue to have negative outcomes for you.

That would explain why your relationships, so far, have perhaps tended to give you a feeling of déja vu; or of being stuck and not really moving forward. You cannot change the people you meet to get your ideal partner. You have to start the changes in yourself.

If you are not getting to the emotional places you wish to go, or you are not enjoying the kind of relationship you should have, future success in your love life now depends on breaking that subtle, limiting pattern of reaction for something much more positive, rewarding and exciting - especially by implementing the three key elements you need to find the right date for you! These are: Know who you are and be yourself, Know what you want, and Know what you stand for and where you’re heading.

1. Know Who You Are And Be Yourself

It is very important to know yourself for at least three reasons:

First, you have to live with yourself 24/7. No one in your life will be with you as much as you. Would you live with a stranger for so long without knowing anything about them? Essentially, it is about self-awareness which leads to greater understanding. Who you are, what you like and want, where you are going, what makes you happy and what makes you irritated: those are crucial things to know, if you are to improve the quality of your life and take advantage of whatever makes you glow.

Second, self-awareness builds confidence. The more you know about yourself, the greater you will feel emotionally, and the more adept you will become at dealing with situations and people. You then become more intuitive about what works for you and what doesn’t, especially when it comes to trying to adjust your life with a stranger. Self-awareness is a powerful tool for improving competence because it will push you along directions that make you feel good rather than living in a vague, indecisive way, not knowing how you feel, or what you should do.

Finally, self-awareness boosts identity. If you don’t know much about your background, history, culture, gender and what you value, for example, how will you get on with others in mutual respect? They cannot respect what they don’t understand. People who lack self-awareness tend to be ambiguous about themselves and their needs. So ignorance about the self is not a good thing. Self-awareness builds self-esteem through personal appreciation and understanding.

As a philosopher once said: Knowledge is power, but the greatest power is self-knowledge.

If you do not really know much about you, how can a new partner value and appreciate you, too? Yet, many people find it really hard just to be themselves; to stop acting to expectations. The secret to being yourself is not to keep trying to please others, or to be like someone else. It is very considerate when you care about the feelings of your date or partner, but your needs are just as important. For example, if you neglect yourself when you feel ill and then get worse, how much good would you be to your family?

You are unique and cannot be anyone else. Strive for greater development, but on your terms. Otherwise you will always feel inadequate. Like a diamond, it is much better to be the genuine article, and be flawed, than to be perfect and be a pale imitation. It is the desire to please everyone, as well as to be liked, which leaves you pleasing no one in the process. Knowing yourself, and being yourself means you will always respect yourself, too, and have the courage of your convictions to stand out from the crowd.

2. Know What You Want

Do you usually know what you want and express it clearly? If not, what is holding you back?

Whether we pay homage to God, Nature, the Universe, or whatever, there comes a time when we seek help or intervention for something important to us. Very often our prayers or requests are not granted, and we tend to lose hope. But we are not likely to have our desires fulfilled for two main reasons.

First, we tend to pray or make our request when there is a crisis, so we pray with anxiety and desperation, the panic button at full throttle, with lots of doubts and fears, and no real belief in routine miracles or getting a result! Second, and most important, we fail to ask specifically for what we want because we have not thought about it clearly. Instead we cling to a generalised idea of our situation – a kind of cure-all ‘Help me please!’ plea – because too many things in our life need sorting out. We are afraid to make our request specific, in case it might seem unrealistic, unreasonable, or even selfish.

But that attention to specifics is what helps to provide focus, and once we start to focus we begin to energise the desire, to make it an intention rather than just a fleeting wish, which then moves people and the environment to help us to achieve it. In fact, to show how the Universe delivers when we have faith, just think of any item, like a type and colour of car, and focus on it for a while. From that moment on, a rush of cars conforming to that type and colour will come into your vision; the articles which draw your attention in magazines are likely to relate to it, and unexpected occurrences around that type of car will begin to happen.

The same with seeking a partner. Once we focus on the type of person we wish to attract, and not be distracted by superficial people seeking our attention, we will draw that type towards us at every stage. The power of thought and vision is phenomenal for fulfilling our wishes. Sooner or later, circumstances will conspire in a series of seeming ‘coincidences’ to send us that partner. We are on Earth to be happy and healthy; to have our desires fulfilled. However, it is a focus on negativity which keeps us feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, or in despair.

The essence of Nature is surprise, amidst the natural order, hence why we cannot predict death, and cannot really control our existence beyond a certain level. If you focus on the type of person who would make you happy, you are likely to attract them much more than having no idea at all, or just being afraid of what might happen.

3. Know What You Stand For And Where You’re Heading

Before you meet anyone, you need to know what you stand for, and where you wish to go. Only then can you compare these to the principles and aspirations of your soulmate to decide the degree of alignment, or the width of the gap, which is likely to emerge.

Beliefs are not trivial things. They are anchors to our development. Our beliefs are fundamental to how we see ourselves, perceive one another, our close family and friends, and our view of the world itself. This, in turn, determines our actions. However, beliefs are never static. They are constantly changing according to new experiences and challenges, especially relating to notions of ‘failure’ and ‘success’.

Beliefs also affect others because they control every interaction. If you believe, for instance, that a work colleague is smarter, brighter or better than you are, you will tend to behave in an inferior way to match it, or possibly with envy and resentment, whenever you see or interact with them. This perception gradually becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy because you will be suiting your action to your belief in every meeting, without even being aware of it!

The same with your beliefs regarding finding a partner.

If you think there is no one out there good enough for you, sure enough, you are unlikely to find anyone who matches up to you, because people will sense your very high unreasonable standards, and shy away from trying to meet them. They are likely to feel overwhelmed by the idea of even trying to measure up to this impossible ideal you have set. Result: Your expectations are proven right!

You cannot compromise beliefs by being vague and dithery, or being too strong and negative. You need to show who you are, positively, what you want, what you stand for, and where you are heading, while at the same time allowing for some flexibility in your interactions and development. It means you will take only those who want to go with you, or you will soften a little to align with them, and leave the rest, while being prepared for the unexpected.

People worry about not meeting the ‘right’ person, believing that they need tons of potential mates to choose from. But, just like winning the lottery from only one line of play, it takes only one person to be THE one, no more. That’s all we need for a long-lasting relationship: one person who loves, cares ,and wants to share our lives.

So don’t be put off by those who do not value your principles and direction. As long as your values are realistic and positive, and you are not too prescriptive and immovable, cultivating the people who like you as you are will prove far more rewarding, exciting and enriching, as it will get you the results you desire.