Top 6 Listicle Gimmicks According to Science

According to science

According to a recent study published in a scientific journal the use of “according to science” in listicle titles has never been higher. The article found that many authors believed the use of the phrase “according to science” would add an air of credibility to their work that would otherwise be totally devoid of even the faintest shred of reliability or trustworthiness. According to a scientist this is terribly misguided and wrong. Instead it only serves to highlight the scientific naivety of the author and woefully misrepresents what science is and can do to the non technical/scientific public.

Things

No listicle would be complete if it were not about some “thing”. From the top 20 ‘things’ so and so said to the 5 best ‘things’ such and such learned to the 15 worst ‘things’ in/on (insert mass media/social media platform). Luckily for listicle writers there are an almost endless supply of ‘things’ in the universe about which an insipid and cliche list of attributes can be compiled and shit out in 5–10 minutes. The great irony is that all these listicles that are supposedly about ‘things’ are actually about no’thing’ at all.

Numbers as numbers and as words

The newest trend in listicles is the inclusion of at least two numbers in the title. They can be the same two numbers or they can be different, but one of them must be written out as a word (e.g. eight) while the other must be displayed as a digit (e.g. 8). The reasons for this are as dumb as you could possibly imagine and then dumber even then that. Just fuckin stupid. A stupid, lame, weak, gimmick.

Money, money, money

Numbers 4–6 in the listicle gimmick handbook are all the same thing, money. Did you even wonder how many ways numbered lists of things and the word ‘earn’ or ‘wealth’ could be combined? Me neither, but now I know, it is approaching infinite. The top 3 ways to earn wealth in web publishing are apparently listicles, listicles, and listicles, at least according to science.

THE END.

And now, I present to you once again another bonus feature article courtesy of Vocal's ludicrous and absurd 600 word count minimum rule. Ironically this one was also rejected for being <600 words. Together, however, they meet the magic number and then some. Yeahhh!

The Top 5 Listicles About Listicles - Selected from the 10 Best Websites Featuring Listicles

1. 15 Listicles I Have Known and Loved
2. All the World’s a Listicle, But Only 10 of Them are Any Good
3. Those Listicles Have Been Known to Kill People — The 5 Best A Christmas Story Listicles
4. Now That’s a Kick in the Listicles — The 8 Greatest Sports Injury Listicles
5. Listicular Cancer — The 4 Most Interesting Health and Medicine Listicles

THE END 2?

The last line above this sentence is where the story was intended to end. However, because of Vocal’s absurd six hundred word count minimum rule I am forced to append this additional section which you are currently reading. If you are reading this that means that you read my story and thank you for that. Also, thank you for continuing on to this useless addendum. If you want to click away now go for it, no hard feelings, I would not want to continue on either. I mean the story is over right? Why should I keep reading? You probably should not, however, if you do be forewarned that what follows will be mostly nonsense, the only purpose of which is to pad the word count of the above story so that it can exceed the ridiculous six hundred word count minimum rule. Notice how twice now I have typed out the word six hundred rather than writing it with the numerals six zero and zero. This was intentional, six hundred written out in words is two words whereas six hundred written as the numerals six zero and zero only counts as one word. Since my goal here is to quickly pad my word count to meet the six hundred word count minimum it makes a lot of sense to type out six hundred every time and not type it out in numeral form. Do you find it weird that we can represent numbers both as symbols, the number itself (i.e. “1”) but also as a word (i.e. “one”). Shouldn’t a number be a thing that can stand on its own as a thing different from a word and not need a word to describe it, and yet it does. Meanwhile words do not need numbers to describe them, they fully describe themselves. This is why words are superior to numbers and why reading and writing will always be more important and better than math. Although I happen to like math, I also happen to suck at it. I also happen to suck at writing which I guess kind of makes sense, or maybe it doesn’t. Ah whatever….Am I at six hundred words yet? I feel like I am dozing off here. What was I talking about again? Where am I? Who the heck are you and why are you reading my thoughts? Get the fuck out of my head. Get out. Thank you. Stupid fucking minimum word count rule blows.