comedy
Comedy and humor in the sexuality space.
5 Times Sex Became Laughable
Let’s be honest, unless you are a rampant teenager trying the Kama Sutra with a boyfriend you call big daddy, you have dealt with these awkward situations. The ones that you won't even tell your best friend who has seen you piss in an alley whilst eating the remnants of a kebab. But don’t worry I'm here to confirm what we all tell ourselves anyway, it really does happen to everyone! So let's jump into the world of sordid secrets and get down and dirty with the truth about sex.
Lizzie FoxPublished 7 years ago in FilthyMan on the Rooftop
This was probably a month after Harley Davidson and after a couple less eventful dates that led to nothing but were also just not interesting enough to share. At this point, I had given up on dating apps. Two days later, I was working at this wedding as a favour to my sister's friend, who was getting married. I agreed to it mainly because I got some extra cash, which is always preferable, and I got to work with my best friend. Plus once we were finished cooking and handing out all the food, we were allowed to join the party. So around 1 AM we had some catching up to do. We started drinking from the keg and smoked some pot and about an hour or so later my light weight ass was good and drunk. I decided that I wanted to go and flirt with this guy that I had been somewhat flirting with the whole night, so I peeled away from my friend, leaving him with his sister. I never did find him that night... Because I kind of got distracted. You see, before I started my search, I decided I wanted to fill up my cup and made my way to the keg. That was when I saw Hershey (this nickname will be explained at a later date) pouring the worst cup of beer ever! I swear, his cup was ninety percent foam and because of who I am as a person, I couldn't help but poke fun at the poor pour. He insisted that it wasn't actually him but the keg, so I made him prove it by pouring me a drink. Turns out the keg's pump was fucked.
Harley Davidson
I've grown accustomed to naming the men in my phone something fun or relating to the encounters we've had. This is just something amusing for myself that these guys will probably never be privy to. Plus, it reminds me of why I stopped wishing to speak to them. For example, Minute Man is forever saved as 30 Seconds... So I can relive that memory anytime I swipe passed his name.
Minute Man
A week after I dumped my boyfriend, I had two dates lined up with two different men. After the Aussie was a complete flop, there was the drummer. The drummer, I had high hopes for. We had been talking for a week prior to our date, I’d found out his previous three relationships had been friends with benefits… so clearly this guy knew his way around a woman’s body if three separate girls had kept him around for just that soul purpose. He boasted about his enjoyment of going down on women, which was exciting as my ex didn’t exactly enjoy it. Plus, drummers know how to keep a rhythm… if you know what I mean.
Boob Tube
It was a warm summer day, and she was clad in a tube top, denim shorts and sandals as she headed into the supermarket. She did not bother getting a shopping cart or even a hand basket as she was only getting a few items. Well, as many of us know, that is when we usually get more than we initially planned. She casually made her way up and down the aisles, gathering her scant purchases when, just as she was about finished, she spotted some succulent corn on the cob which she just had to have! She began gathering some corn and by the time she was ready to pay for her items, she found her arms full. She made her way to the check out line and began unloading her purchases onto the conveyor belt. While doing so, she noticed quite a bit of corn silk adhered to her top, so she began brushing it off. The clerk, who happened to be a young man of about 20, began ringing up the items when, just as he glanced at her, she brushed so hard that she brushed her tube top off to the point where her left breast was now completely exposed. She said, "Oops," and pulled her top back up, continued with her transaction, and nonchalantly headed out the door. What else can a person do when confronted with such an embarrassing situation? One can only imagine the conversation later that the clerk had with his coworkers!
Donna GilchrestPublished 7 years ago in FilthyDid He or Did He Not?
Did you ever hear the story of the celebrity figure who got the gerbil lodged in their rectum? Well, I hadn’t either until just a few nights ago. Late night television for me consists of feeding my face and watching the infamous series Family Guy. While watching this show, there was a scene where a hawk (Xerces) that Peter caught in his possession started pecking at Quagmire, Peter then quotes, “Hey what do you got going on down there Quagmire, you got a rodent situation?” Hysterically laughing goes my boyfriend, who doesn’t laugh at much. I didn’t quite understand why he thought it was so funny but I just had to know.
I Watched You...
Have you ever watched someone have sex? I don't mean like a porno because everyone does that whether they admit it or not. I mean like through a window of someone's home, a car parked in a dark parking lot or even as you do your early morning/late night jogging through the park.
Pay to Play?!
Pay to play?! He didn't know but he found out quick. Like the rappers say, "Paper planes baby! Paper moves and lames sit on the sidelines and watch!" And what makes you think you're free from that rule like it doesn't apply to you. CASH MOVES EVERYTHING AROUND ME like Wu Tang said, "Baby so come correct or be gone!"
I'm Here to Serve...
I've always believed that because I'm a writer, a free thinker, an artist with words let's say, I'm always put in a situation where I'm observing something that I could turn into a great story. Whether I'm on public transportation and overhear a conversation or walk down a street and all of a sudden notice something, there's always something going on that raises my eyebrows, makes me pay attention, notate everything going on and quietly pass judgment while I create a scenario in my head. Sounds like a lot right?! It is. I cannot help that there's always something going on around me; I just go with the flow ya feel me?! Well, this particular blog is a direct descendant of one of the many HAPPENINGS that happen around me. I gotta say, things like this keep my days from ever getting dull.
Coffee, Cookies n My Cream!
I gotta say I've never really had a love for coffee till recently; anyone that knows me knows I'm a tea drinker. No matter how hot the weather is, when I'm having breakfast I have to have a cup of hot tea with lemon and three sugars. I live in Seattle now aka the land of legal recreational and medical Mary J (See my last post). I drank coffee while living in New York, as a matter of fact, Dunkin Donuts toasted almond coffee is still my favorite flavor but of course, in the land of Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts couldn't possibly exist. The closest Dunkin Donuts to me is in Portland (YES I ACTUALLY CHECKED). For whatever reason since living here, I've been drinking a lot more coffee... not because of the flavors, but because in most of these places it's easier to say coffee, cream and sugar and GET EXACTLY THAT than when I say tea with lemon and sugar and I get all kinds of stupid ass questions like WHAT KIND OF TEA? BLACK TEA? GREEN TEA? HOT OR COLD? In the morning I am more of what they call a "rude New Yorker" than any other time of the day so it is quite dangerous to be asking me all of these questions when all I'm trying to do is quench my thirst as I eat my breakfast. Now that you know the back story of me and coffee let me move on to the rest of this blog.
Wacky Sex Toy of the Week: The Foot Fetish 'Feet You Can Bone' Roundup Edition, Part #1
So. Feet. You may love 'em, you may be indifferent to 'em, or you may be the kind of person who regards having to touch a foot as being akin to having to shake hands with someone who's obviously just emerged from the bathroom without washing ---- unclean, potentially gagworthy, excruciatingly awkward for everyone involved, and liable to make you sprint in the direction of the nearest Purell station.
Anne St. MariePublished 7 years ago in FilthyWhat's the Word Ladies??
Alright, Ladies, I am in need of an explanation. This is something that will show the guys how we make a choice. Music is a huge thing for me. What a man listens to helps me decide if he is worthy of my time. I'm not super picky but, when a guy rolls up with some tacky rap song playing, I don't even take a second glance.