Anne St. Marie
The Gift of the Dragons
“There weren’t always dragons in the Valley,” the Grand High Chancellor of the Exchequer of the King’s Hand intoned, very deeply and grandly. His dark crimson robes, embroidered in gold thread and trimmed with silver sable, swished over the wooden stage as he gestured to the wide plain before him. “In the earliest times, as your ancestors have no doubt told you, there was nothing but wide forests, untamed rivers, and roving hordes of the awful and twisted Darkmarch. Our people — the few, the bold, the courageous — were so nearly annihilated. And then, just as death seemed certain, the first king, Ilqan Altiia, was given an extraordinary gift.”
The Fourteen Most Creatively Brutal Deaths in the Iliad (Part 1)
Classical literature gets a bad rap for being boring. People see 'Homer' and their minds instantly glaze over, pre-armoring the brain against an assault of 'so spokes', 'then speakings', and 'thuses' like some ancient and extra-wordy Shakespeare (sorry, Shakespeare). Sure, Homer might have some neat stuff about gods and goddesses, and he might get a little spicy about the ladies, but how cool can a dude who told stories almost 3,000 years ago possibly be?
- Second Place in Unpopular Opinion Challenge
Unpopular Opinions: Butt-Eating PantsSecond Place in Unpopular Opinion Challenge
So these are somewhat dark times. Originally, when I saw the 'Unpopular Opinions' contest, I thought I should write something poignant on the nature of humanity ---- something grave yet strangely hopeful. Something that would turn the spirit nobly upwards and cause the reader to reflect, then to smile, fortified by the promise of that which is yet to come. You know, something Aunt Linda would forward you on FaceBook, accompanied by a thoughtful cat gif.
Wacky Sex Toy of the Week: The Foot Fetish 'Feet You Can Bone' Roundup Edition, Part #1
So. Feet. You may love 'em, you may be indifferent to 'em, or you may be the kind of person who regards having to touch a foot as being akin to having to shake hands with someone who's obviously just emerged from the bathroom without washing ---- unclean, potentially gagworthy, excruciatingly awkward for everyone involved, and liable to make you sprint in the direction of the nearest Purell station.
Wacky Sex Toy of the Week: 'The Zeus Voice Controlled E-Stim Chastity System'
Have you been yearning for the sight of yet another strange and possibly alarming sex toy? Well, wait no longer, dear readers. Wacky Sex Toy of the Week has returned yet again, and, let me tell you, we’ve got a shocker for you. Or, more accurately, for ‘little you’. And yes, that shock is absolutely literal. Ready? Put on your thick-soled rubber boots, stay away from tall trees, and get ready to check out . . . . . . the Zeus Voice Controlled E-Stim Chastity System. (Pro tip: ‘e-stim’ is short for ‘electric stimulation’, which is just what it sounds like). You’ve heard of those shock collars for dogs? Yeah, this is basically a shock collar for your junk. I’m just going to take a moment to let that sink in. Shock collar for your junk. Yep. But wait . . . there’s more. Not only is this a shock collar for your junk, it’s also a chastity device. Your partner in junk-shocking locks your pork’n’beans inside the plastic confines of the Zeus, thus preventing any, uh, amorous activity, and also pressing the edges of your soon-to-be-maltreated-member against the sides of the unforgiving device. This wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that the sides and tip of the Zeus are covered in zappy electrodes. I’ll let the website’s text take this one away. “The chastity cage is lined with electro conductive silicone with pads running along the sides. Each electrode flares out into a paddle shape to optimise contact with the head of the penis.”
Wacky Sex Toy of the Week: 'The Hand-Job Cocksheath'
Missing your regular dose of weird and (dubiously) wonderful sex toys? Well, let me assuage your worries, because Wacky Sex Toy of the Week is back, we’re ---- well, sort of beige, really ---- and we’re ready to give all you loyal readers a hand. No really, a hand. Like, with fingers. That kind of hand. All right, let’s back up a bit. First off, do you know what a cocksleeve is? If you don’t, let me explain. If you do . . . well, I’m explaining anyway. It’s a sort of contraption that straps over (and around) your dick, often using the testes as a sort of anchor point. Generally, this contraption is shaped like a much bigger dick, so you get the fun of kinda bangin’ the middle of this foot-long faux-schlong while watching said penile prosthesis penetrate your partner.
5 Unique Metal Bands You Should Be Listening To
If you’re in the market for metal, you probably know there are roughly 500 styles and sub-genres to explore (if you’re new to the metal scene . . . well, there are roughly 500 styles and sub-genres to explore. And yes, in most of them, you can understand the lyrics). Metal, like most genres, is also dominated by the major players, so listeners can be forgiven for thinking that it’s more or less totally comprised of 50% old-school faves, 48% new-school bands captained by sweaty screaming dudes, and 2% Nightwish. While there are a bunch of really fantastic bands that fall squarely into those categories ---- hey, they’re famous for a reason ---- metal is also home to a whole bunch of slightly lesser-known bands that are absolutely worth a listen. For me personally, I’m a fan of weird bands, and there are a whole stack of them in the metal genre. After all, for a genre that tends to get thought of as being pretty narrow, it’s actually huge. Metal can be influenced by a ton of other genres (electronic music, rap, or opera, anyone?) and played on a massive variety of instruments . . . or, as you’ll see in one band on this list, none at all. Ready to hear about a few awesome metal bands who defy easy categorization? Well, we’ll start with:
Why Foreplay is Slowly Becoming a Thing of the Past
Foreplay. The word quickly brings to mind a certain couple and situation . . . usually, a man taking a few minutes to ‘warm up’ his lady before the actual act of penetration, perhaps with slow and indulgent kissing, a sensual massage, a little delicate fingering, or even a saucily-applied vibrator. Sometimes oral sex is included under the ‘foreplay’ banner as well. Nothing like an enthusiastic blowjob before the main event, or perhaps some toe-curling cunnilingus. Anything to get everybody fully and utterly aroused before the P. goes in the V. That ‘traditional’ model up there has been around for quite a while, but it ---- and, indeed, the concept of foreplay in general ---- is slowly becoming a relic of the past. Why? Well, one significant reason lies in the growing visibility of LGBT+ couples. If two women, in the process of getting hot ‘n’ heavy, have a heated and desperate makeout session followed by tearing off each others’ clothes and finishing each other off with oral pleasure and digital penetration, you won’t find too many people protesting the fact that they’ve just had sex.
Wacky Sex Toy of the Week: 'Ovipositor Dildos'
This third edition of Wacky Sex Toy of the Week features some truly unique toys...yes, they’ve all been pretty unique so far, but these are uniquer. Uniqueful. Uniquest. Yes, perhaps even more so than a dildo affixed to a pogo stick or a penis fly trap, and Lord knows those are hard to beat. Before the dazzling reveal (which the title has absolutely already given away, but we’ll be ignoring that), let us begin by setting the scene a little. Have you ever dreamed of being stranded upon a moist and marvelous alien planet and stumbling on a singularly tentacular surprise? Ever had fond fantasies of your spaceship being boarded by an egg-bearing love monster looking for a few comfortably damp orifices to nestle its future offspring within? Ever woke in a desirous sweat from tingly thoughts of braving the briny oceanic depths, only to discover a lustful octoid wonder of times gone by...well, you get the idea. Point is, they’re ovipositors. Yes, that does mean what you think it means. The products in question are Primal Hardwere’s selection of ovipositor dildos: ‘Splorch’, ‘Krubera’, ‘Squick’, and ‘BedBug’. Essentially, these are squishy and tentacle-esque dildos from which messily splort a gelatinous egg into the ardour-bedewed lust-burrow of your choice, where it slowly and slimily melts with your body heat into a clearish alien ooze. (Unless, presumably, you immediately retrieve it, which, if you’re caught in the process, would have to be the #1 most awkward thing to explain to a roommate).
The Four-Twenty Games... Yep, They're Real
If you picture what a ‘420 Games’ would look like, let’s get real ---- you’re not picturing pillars of athletic prowess. No, dedicated pot users are far more often stereotyped as out-of-shape basement dwellers, often clad in a stained t-shirt and occasionally encrusted in Cheeto dust. The only marathon they’d be training for would be a Simpsons one, right? Well . . . not so much, if you talk to the folks in charge of the Four-Twenty Games. A series of athletic events that kicked off in 2014, the Games proved a quick success, and they’ve been expanding ever since.
The Latest On That All-Female 'Ocean's Eleven' Spinoff
Nobody can deny that the Ocean’s Eleven franchise has been pretty successful over the years. From its first Sinatra-led incarnation to the three movies helmed by George Clooney and Brad Pitt, the delightfully convoluted heist series has consistently captured the attention of its audiences. Now the latest Ocean’s film is scheduled for release ---- but this one has a twist. Instead of its more standard ensemble cast of witty gentlemen, this movie’s going to be an entirely female-led enterprise.
Chill Parents? Study Shows the Middle-Aged More Likely to Light Up Than Teens
When you think of ‘weed’ plus ‘parents’, some standard scenarios generally come to mind. Your mom showing pictures of your brain on drugs, your dad admonishing you to stay in school and avoid any use of ‘The Marijuana’. Yes, for many years the middle-aged have been the subject of some pretty powerful party-poopin’ stereotypes, while young folks these days are generally assumed to dedicate a fairly substantial amount of time to chasing whatever feels good at the moment. Popular media certainly seems to bear this out ---- while the rebellious teen of your favourite sitcom might occasionally sneak a couple of pulls on a joint, you’re not likely to see their parents clearing space in the den for a shiny new hookah.