So these are somewhat dark times. Originally, when I saw the 'Unpopular Opinions' contest, I thought I should write something poignant on the nature of humanity ---- something grave yet strangely hopeful. Something that would turn the spirit nobly upwards and cause the reader to reflect, then to smile, fortified by the promise of that which is yet to come. You know, something Aunt Linda would forward you on FaceBook, accompanied by a thoughtful cat gif.
So. Feet. You may love 'em, you may be indifferent to 'em, or you may be the kind of person who regards having to touch a foot as being akin to having to shake hands with someone who's obviously just emerged from the bathroom without washing ---- unclean, potentially gagworthy, excruciatingly awkward for everyone involved, and liable to make you sprint in the direction of the nearest Purell station.
Have you been yearning for the sight of yet another strange and possibly alarming sex toy? Well, wait no longer, dear readers. Wacky Sex Toy of the Week has returned yet again, and, let me tell you, we’ve got a shocker for you. Or, more accurately, for ‘little you’. And yes, that shock is absolutely literal. Ready? Put on your thick-soled rubber boots, stay away from tall trees, and get ready to check out . . .
. . . the Zeus Voice Controlled E-Stim Chastity System. (Pro tip: ‘e-stim’ is short for ‘electric stimulation’, which is just what it sounds like). You’ve heard of those shock collars for dogs? Yeah, this is basically a shock collar for your junk. I’m just going to take a moment to let that sink in. Shock collar for your junk. Yep. But wait . . . there’s more.
Not only is this a shock collar for your junk, it’s also a chastity device. Your partner in junk-shocking locks your pork’n’beans inside the plastic confines of the Zeus, thus preventing any, uh, amorous activity, and also pressing the edges of your soon-to-be-maltreated-member against the sides of the unforgiving device. This wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that the sides and tip of the Zeus are covered in zappy electrodes. I’ll let the website’s text take this one away. “The chastity cage is lined with electro conductive silicone with pads running along the sides. Each electrode flares out into a paddle shape to optimise contact with the head of the penis.”
Missing your regular dose of weird and (dubiously) wonderful sex toys? Well, let me assuage your worries, because Wacky Sex Toy of the Week is back, we’re ---- well, sort of beige, really ---- and we’re ready to give all you loyal readers a hand. No really, a hand. Like, with fingers. That kind of hand.
All right, let’s back up a bit. First off, do you know what a cocksleeve is? If you don’t, let me explain. If you do . . . well, I’m explaining anyway. It’s a sort of contraption that straps over (and around) your dick, often using the testes as a sort of anchor point. Generally, this contraption is shaped like a much bigger dick, so you get the fun of kinda bangin’ the middle of this foot-long faux-schlong while watching said penile prosthesis penetrate your partner.
If you’re in the market for metal, you probably know there are roughly 500 styles and sub-genres to explore (if you’re new to the metal scene . . . well, there are roughly 500 styles and sub-genres to explore. And yes, in most of them, you can understand the lyrics). Metal, like most genres, is also dominated by the major players, so listeners can be forgiven for thinking that it’s more or less totally comprised of 50% old-school faves, 48% new-school bands captained by sweaty screaming dudes, and 2% Nightwish.
While there are a bunch of really fantastic bands that fall squarely into those categories ---- hey, they’re famous for a reason ---- metal is also home to a whole bunch of slightly lesser-known bands that are absolutely worth a listen. For me personally, I’m a fan of weird bands, and there are a whole stack of them in the metal genre. After all, for a genre that tends to get thought of as being pretty narrow, it’s actually huge. Metal can be influenced by a ton of other genres (electronic music, rap, or opera, anyone?) and played on a massive variety of instruments . . . or, as you’ll see in one band on this list, none at all. Ready to hear about a few awesome metal bands who defy easy categorization? Well, we’ll start with:
Foreplay. The word quickly brings to mind a certain couple and situation . . . usually, a man taking a few minutes to ‘warm up’ his lady before the actual act of penetration, perhaps with slow and indulgent kissing, a sensual massage, a little delicate fingering, or even a saucily-applied vibrator. Sometimes oral sex is included under the ‘foreplay’ banner as well. Nothing like an enthusiastic blowjob before the main event, or perhaps some toe-curling cunnilingus. Anything to get everybody fully and utterly aroused before the P. goes in the V.
That ‘traditional’ model up there has been around for quite a while, but it ---- and, indeed, the concept of foreplay in general ---- is slowly becoming a relic of the past. Why? Well, one significant reason lies in the growing visibility of LGBT+ couples. If two women, in the process of getting hot ‘n’ heavy, have a heated and desperate makeout session followed by tearing off each others’ clothes and finishing each other off with oral pleasure and digital penetration, you won’t find too many people protesting the fact that they’ve just had sex.