Wacky Sex Toy of the Week: The Foot Fetish 'Feet You Can Bone' Roundup Edition, Part #1

So. Feet. You may love 'em, you may be indifferent to 'em, or you may be the kind of person who regards having to touch a foot as being akin to having to shake hands with someone who's obviously just emerged from the bathroom without washing ---- unclean, potentially gagworthy, excruciatingly awkward for everyone involved, and liable to make you sprint in the direction of the nearest Purell station.

If you belong to the latter camp, maybe pop a Gravol or two and take a few calming breaths before digging into this article. Yes, today Wacky Sex Toy of the Week will delve into the world of foot-based sex toys in a two-part roundup for the ages, featuring the anatomically-incorrect, the downright weird and, (if you're sweet on feet), the possibly-intriguing.

We'll kick our tippy-top toe-fest off with . . .

#7. The 'Kaylani's Foot Fetish' Masturbator

"The Kaylani’s Foot Fetish masturbator is a petite, soft, supple and incredibly life-like Futurotic toy for people who love feet," the ad copy informs us. "It has a life-like luscious tight, ribbed vagina tucked away discreetly at the base of the heel that allows you to complete your fantasy like never before. Special talc is included to keep your foot nice and soft. Equipped with textured shaft, long slender toes and ruby red toe nails. If you love pretty feet, Slide your cock deep in her tight, ribbed vagina in the heel of the shoe. 4 1/4" length."

Feel That Heel . . .

1. 'Incredibly life-like'? IT'S AN ALL-FLESH-COLORED FOOTSHOE WITH A HEELGINA. Sure, the idea of this toy may tickle your pickle, but even the most dedicated footsy practitioners must admit that 'life-like', in this case, is a less-than-apt description.
2. Some truths are universal, and one of those is that putting a large vulva on a disembodied foot in a shoe will never be 'discreet'. If your mom comes over and sees your weird foot vagina, she is not going to be confused as to what it's for. She will 100% know how you handle that sandal.
3. The phrase 'slide your cock deep in her tight, ribbed vagina in the heel of the shoe' is one that starts off pretty well, erotically-speaking, but takes an abrupt turn in the last four words when you realize either A: you're a non-fetishist who's about to bone a shoe-foot, or B: you're a foot fetishist who doesn't even get to bone the actual foot.

#6. The 'Jesse Jane Senso Foot Fetish Masturbator'

Okay, let's get the obvious out of the way first off ---- this looks exactly the same as the Kaylani's Foot Fetish model, except clear, and with 'stroker beads'. Either Kaylani and Jesse Jane are secretly twins who own identical wedge sandals, or there are some shenanigans going down in this whole bangable-disembodied-vagina-foot marketplace. And, before you get your hopes up, this one has also been discontinued. (Probably there are still some floating around, though, because this is the internet, and suspiciously-generic molded feet you can stick your dick in are forever).

Check Yoself (Out While You Wreck This Foot)

Once again, we'll turn to the ad copy for a little explanation:

"Absolutely the most fun you can have with Jesse Jane's foot without having her in the room with you! A surprisingly gratifying masturbator, exquisitely detailed with stroker beads. Make her toes tingle by slipping your rock-hard member into the tight stretchy pussy masturbator."

Aaaaand the inevitable questions.

1. If you did have her in the room with you, I am 99.9% sure that you would not, barring some kind of futuristic medical intervention, be able to dance the down-low tango with her foot/sandal vagina.
2. Unless this is somehow connected to the afore-written-about Zeus Voice Controlled E-Stim Chastity System, the toes on this thing aren't going to start tingling any time soon.
3. 'Surprisingly gratifying' makes it sound like whoever invented this didn't expect much from it either.

Not a question, but really, I invite you to think through the process of getting it on with this particular item. It's clear, so there's really no way of pretending you're with an actual foot, and also there are those giant blue bead things and presumably the sight of your actual member just kinda doin' its thing in there. Probably there's somebody in the world who's turned on by this, or at the very least has managed to pull it off successfully, but it's difficult to imagine the majority of even the most dedicated enthusiasts making it all the way through a sexin' session with the Jesse Jane model without looking down and having the mood completely die.

#5. The 'Penthouse Pet Justine Joli CyberSkin Foot Job Stroker'

Time for the good news: this one doesn't have a vagina on it.

And the bad: that might actually make it weirder.

Even the ad description is reasonable. It's very long, but here's the first paragraph (all spelling mistakes by them, FYI):

"A pretty pair of feet offered up to your pleasure, the Penthouse Pet Collection's Justine Joile Foot Job Stoker is an exquisitely detailed, pink toe-nailed mold cast directly from Justine Jolie. Featuring a perfect, lifelike weight and the incomparable touch of multi-layered CyberSkin, the Stroker is both ultra plush and firmly precise, accommodating most positions and retaining its shape no matter what paces you put it through."

You know what? They're right. They are pretty nice feet, all considered, and (barring the fused toes and connective material) they're also pretty realistic. No tacked-on vaginas or inset beads on this one, just a pair of lifelike feet that you slide your schlong in between and get to rockin' and rollin'. One review even suggests buying some fake toenails and sticking them on the feet for the ultimate real-foot experience.

Now gaze into the depths of her ankles.

So yes, this is a remarkably detailed set of real-feelin' feet that you can, apparently, even glue some fake toenails on. This would make it the least alarming item on this list, except that it's one of the most alarming, because it looks like you're a serial killer who collects feet and has sex with them. If your friends come over and see one of these mutant foot-vagina hybrids chillin' on your nightstand, they're going to understand exactly what it's for . . . and sure, they may rib you, but they'll get it.

On the other hand, if they see this pair, possibly in a somewhat crunchy state (if you ignore the instructions to regularly powder them, of course), there's a much higher likelihood of them quietly backing out of the room with a sudden chill creeping down their spine and then never speaking of it again.

#4. The 'Realistic Feet Fetish Male Masturbator'

The title and descriptor (which is pretty explicit, but heavy on the 'it's realistic!' side) on this one are both one of the most straightforward and one of the most entertaining, because there is absolutely nothing realistic about this double-orificed set of feet. As you can probably guess, this set adds to the traditional 'stick a vagina on it' option by also sticking an anus on it, and giving you a bone-able in-between area for the ultimate trifucktra. Except for the fact that you'll be rogering the inside of its ankles. Which, probably not a feature (feet-ture?) for eager foot fetishists. But let me tell you, the Victorian population would definitely have gotten a heck of a thrill out of it.

The stats on its Amazon page also include a few helpful facts ---- for example, it is, apparently, nontoxic, which is always good for something you're going to be enthusiastically shoving a delicate part of your anatomy into. Though, granted, there would be an entirely different market of eager consumers if this also happened to cause the user a great deal of pain. Mike's Spikes, anyone?

You can Google this for the uncensored version if you want, but maybe do it when nobody else can see your screen.

Appealing as this bad boy (or girl) might seem to the casual viewer ---- or even non-foot-fetishists who are up for shelling out a few bucks for its dual orifice feature ---- the mental image of it actually in use might prove something of a deterrent. That is, if you can imagine it, because the logistics seem pretty tricky. Do you do it by crouching above, in sort of a 'thrust fall' position? Because that seems like you'd really have to know your angles, and also like you might get a cramp or two in the process. On the other hand, the only alternative seems like it would be seated use, three-legged-race style, and this two-foot model would be sort of bulky to fit between the average set of thighs. Users might have to brush up on their flexibility before attempting to climb aboard . . . though that may simply add to the thrill of the chase.

Sadly for potential ankle-boners, the only review on this particular item gives it two stars. Why? Well, according to the less-than-satisfied customer, it's not what you'd call durable. In fact, it's reportedly pretty flimsy, which is the last thing an aspiring sole-mater needs in their tappable tootsies. (Sorry about that, anyone who was thinking of picking this pair up). It looks like we may have to wait a while for a more adamantine arrangement of appealing arches.

Well, that's the first four entries in Wacky Sex Toy of the Week's Foot Fetish 'Feet You Can Bone' Roundup! Whether you're a casual reader or a passionate heel-feeler, you won't want to miss our upcoming Top Three column ---- where, as always, we'll continue reporting on some of the strangest and most uncomfortable-looking sex toys the world has to offer. (Foot fetish edition!) Stay weird, internet!