Comedy and humor in the sexuality space.
Timis and His Giant Dick
Timis and his giant dick. Timis was the kingpin in his hometown of Sigal. In the rat colonies, rats elevated in status according to the size of their dicks.
Who's that Girl?
If you surf the internet long enough, then chances are you'll come across a meme. According to Google the definition of a meme is an image, video, piece of text which is typically humorous in nature. It is often copied and spread rapidly by internet users, often with slight variations.
Boobs, Bras and Virginity
From the age of 14 my thoughts were totally consumed with sex, my hormones had hi-jacked my body and I had lost control and not only in my waking hours there was no relief in sleep either. I spent these early adolescent years harbouring what seemed a permanent erection, a ‘stiffy’ that would not subside and woke most mornings finding my underpants bathed in a sticky residue after experiencing another erotic dream. Everything turned me on and I had absolutely no control to the point where I even struggled travelling on the bus and on many occasion I had to stay on past my stop in fear of alighting with an obvious erection protruding from my trousers. The bouncing of the bus especially travelling over railway tracks would spark a reaction and it would often take 2 or 3 stops past my destination and some serious concentration, usually reciting my seven times table in my head (I always had trouble with my seven times table) before my condition had subsided enough allowing me to stand and vacate the bus. Playboy magazines and in particular ‘Playmate of the Month’ became my study material beautifully formed and surgically enhanced women dominated my reading library and I swear I used to believe that all women had staples in their belly buttons thanks to the many centrefolds I had studied after all I had never seen a real live women naked. I’d been pleasing myself over glossy photo shopped models for ages even after deciding to continue at the risk of going blind. I was forever being told along with my school friends that blindness was a bi-product of too much self-gratification and that the Lord Jesus sees all and I was destined for hell. These myths and old wives tales were continuously being fed to us by teachers and religious leaders wanting to curb our so called evil ways but the thought of having my sight diminished by a higher power wasn’t enough to curb my uncontrollable desires even if he was watching. Although I had not entered into the real world of female nakedness at this point in my life and my only experience of actually touching the female form had been restricted to a glancing brush of a breast while engaged in some heavy snogging with a local girl behind the school bike shed. She was the sister of a friend of mine and a year older and it was she who instigated our after class activities and as these snogging sessions became more frequent it was becoming more and more obvious that things were about to move into the next phase. It was during one of these bike shed liaisons that she just blurted out “do you like my tits?” and like a trembling fool I mumbled “Oh yes, oh yes they are beautiful” and before I could continue she proceeded to unbutton her blouse, lift up her bra and expose the most perfectly rounded succulent breasts for me to view, although trembling I just did what any pimply hormone induced 15 year old sex addict would do, yes I dived in head first and began to bury my face in between them deeper and deeper until they were muffling out the surrounding sounds as I uncontrollably dribbled like a Labrador enjoying a juicy bone.. The excitement was too much for me and to be honest I’m not sure how long I was submerged between them but when I eventually came up for air I was smiling like a Cheshire cat, my ears popped like I had been flying at altitude and as my hearing returned to normal and they took in the surrounding noise of everyday life I realised my underwear once again had become awash in a wet sticky mess. We continued to see each other twice a week over the next 6 months and although we never advanced past boob manipulation and I still remained a virgin I had become a proud master of unclipping and removing a ladies bra with one hand like a well trained Ninja, while keeping the other free and available for further body exploration, a very useful skill which would be of benefit to me in the future. They say you always remember the first time you have sex no matter how long ago or how many partners you may have had since and this is certainly the case for me. Although my bike shed exploits had become a distant memory they served me well through my baron 15th year which had been sexually non eventful and discreetly passed without so much as a sight of a boob let alone real sex, but I was now into my 16th year I still had not actually progressed towards my manhood, but that was all about to change when 2 weeks before my 17th birthday I eventually lost my virginity. Yes it was memorable and I will never forget it but sadly for all the wrong reasons, to say it was a disappointment would be an understatement it was in fact traumatic and definitely not what I had imagined my first time to be like. The evening began as most Friday nights did with myself and a group of friends sneaking into one of the less reputable public houses where we would be guaranteed to be served. Liverpool had many Pubs that turned a blind eye to the age laws and we took full advantage of these watering holes and accepted their hospitality wholeheartedly. Eventually we would end up in a night club again who’s interpretation of the law was lacking and rather worse for wear after consuming large quantities of Lager. As the night progressed and my new found self-imposed Dutch courage took over I approached a really beautiful girl who was with a small group of friends whom I had observed was shyly glancing over her friends shoulder towards our group, smiling and displaying all the signs of actually liking me, I introduced myself and we chatted and danced for what seemed like hours, the time just evaporated away when suddenly the venue lights flickered on and the bouncers started ushering everyone out into the cold night air, my friends and hers had all left and we stood alone on the pavement declaring how rude we must have seemed for them to abandon us like this as we had completely got lost in each others company, so like any White Knight would do I offered to walk her home which she accepted, linked my arm kissed me and we headed down the road towards her house . We soon arrived after what only seemed like minutes but in reality took an hour, I was so caught up in the moment that I had no concept of time and as we stood at her front door we started to kiss then tongues got involved and my new found Ninja skills took over releasing the clasp of her bra with one hand while the other roamed around fondling the rest of her body. We were now into some heavy petting and both enjoying the moment when she whispered “You can come in, but be quiet my mum and dad are in bed upstairs”. The house was a typical 2 up 2 down terrace and the walls were paper thin and definitely the kind of accommodation you couldn’t swing a hamster in never mind a cat, but this was an opportunity I was not going to miss. We crept along the hallway and into the lounge and purposely not turning on any lights we lay on the floor in silence and continued our sexual exploits, kissing biting and shedding clothing. When suddenly we heard a creek, we both froze for a second and listened “shhh don’t make a sound she whispered into my ear” at this point I think my heart stopped, but after a few seconds all was quiet again and our exploits continued where we left off. Trousers and undies off, shirt off, bra and panties discarded and as quietly as I could while laying on top of her I began to enter her, my head was awash with a thoughts of my seven times table “one seven is seven 2 sevens are 14 etc etc” I didn’t want to ruin this moment with an uncontrolled premature embarrassing release. Then suddenly as I continued to thrust there was a huge smack on my bottom, ‘whack’ a big wet smack hit me across my backside, this time I was sure I was about to die and as I turned around expecting to see an angry parent standing over me I realised I was being mounted by the biggest fucking dog I’d ever seen. There I was as naked as the day I was born being molested by a horny bloody Labrador.To say the episode was over would be an understatement there now was movement from the upstairs, footsteps could be heard and like a true hero I was up dressed and heading for the bus before things could get any worse after all I wasn’t about to hang around to meet any more of her family. Although it was an absolute none romantic episode a total disaster which had probably left me with a permanent heart defect at least I was no longer a virgin, although penetration was minimal but it was penetration and therefore in the eyes of Sods law legally I had lost my virginity. Having left in rather a hurry that evening and without exchanging contact details we never saw each other again but there will always be a special place in my heart for that young lady a special place I’ve labelled ‘Cherry Popper’ and she will never be forgotten. I have often wondered if she ever found a secret place in her heart to remember me by and if she ever did I’m sure she filed it away under the title of ‘Wanker’.
Changing The Lines
I have played around with different careers and roles in my life. I have been a farmer, raising hogs and chickens and growing grain crops. I have been a presenter and a director in a Science Centre. I have hosted my own radio show and, in fact, got married “on the air” in an attempt to allow more people to attend the ceremony and, to cut down on costs, of course. I have been teacher for over 30 years and I have been a student for another 20. During the time I was teaching, I decided to do something to help perfect my craft. I decided to enroll in a Stand-Up Comedy course offered by a near-by College. I felt that if I could stand in front of an audience and bare my soul by telling jokes and stories, I would somehow be more natural and entertaining in my day job of teaching. One of the exercises that my fellow students and I had to complete was to take lines from any movie and change them in a way that would turn the film into a comedy of sorts. Whatever genre the movie started out as, it would now become a comedy because of our line changes. My attempts at this assignment are offered below. I do believe, however, that the changes appear much funnier, if indeed, the reader has previously viewed the film in question. Regardless, read on, and hopefully enjoy.
The End of Fear and Loathing
We had plenty of sparkling water, along with enough high-octane Starbucks pit stops mapped out for the whole trip — minus that wasteland north of Hot Springs. But the road ahead was long and hilly and I didn’t bring my reading glasses…now where did I put my CBD oil?
It is With Much Regret That I Must Inform You I Cannot Accept the Position of Your Boyfriend
Author's preface: While digging through my vast archives I stumbled across this humor piece from 2018. It was a response to an article in which the author informed a sometimes hook up partner that she would accept him as her boyfriend were he to meet a series of very specific requirements. She wrote it in the form of a job acceptance letter in which she was the company CEO and he the job applicant. It was hard to tell if she was being serious or if it was all tongue in cheek. In any case I had to respond in kind and what you see below is that response. Unfortunately I cannot locate the original article upon which this was based and did not link it for reasons I cannot recall, but most likely simple laziness. This post was particularly popular (for me) and it spurred a lot of discussion in the comments section. Not sure if this is going to make the 600 word cutoff or not so going to pad this preface with just a couple of sentences worth of nonsense in order that I might play it safe. Hmmm. Maybe just one or two more filler sentences and then I should be good. This would be the second filler sentence. And, to play it really safe, here is the third. Thank you six hundred word count minimum for another waste of thirty seconds of mine, and whoever is reading this, day. Dumbest rule, ever. In any case, enjoy!
How to: Tell if Someone is Flirting with You
Flirting is a mystic art that befuddles the senses and dances just out of view when you try to get a good look. Confusion reigns on its purple misted battlefield and the bystander casualties mount higher everyday. Missed connections are the least of it. Skip the mess; follow these simple steps to figure out whether a friend is shooting unacknowledged flirts at your oblivious face.
Losing My Virginity in Public
As a teen, I wasn't overly into sports. I wasn't one of the many kids at my school with an obsession for skating, or surfing, or passive activities like watching anime or playing video games. I wasn't a big reader nor addicted to the cinema. I found the other boys at my high school were interested in a wide variety of things, but myself, I only cared for the girls.
My Filthy Mind
Before I start, don't dare tell me that you don't have a dirty mind. Yes...I mean you, standing by the fridge and thinking "That cucumber is thicker than my mans dick!" or "My female crushes nipples taste as good as those cherries look." You cant tell me that you people who write the filthiest stories have not been there, because in order to write a filthy story in the first place, one must have a filthy imagination, and please, do excuse me (or not!), but I do have a very filthy mind when it comes to both men and women, and to you embarrassed to read this, I stick my tongue out and say "Nah! nah! nah! I'm too hot to handle for you!"
St Nick The Dick
Foreword By Robbie Smithson I think its obvious Santa is an asshole. There’s a song called Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Hmmm, who drives reindeer again? OH, I think its Santa Claus, aka St. Nick. Mr. Vehicular manslaughter himself. So why was Santa not paying attention enough to notice grandma, before she got ran over. I’m gonna have to guess he was drinking and driving a sleigh. That is strike one, St Nick… you asshole.
Can you write me a porno comedy?
A year ago, a female friend who works for a company that produces women-friendly short porno movies emailed me and asked if I could help her write a short funny porno movie for her. So below is my first attempt to write a porn comedy. (Note: Due to COVID, they shut down making movies until 2022, and this movie may or may not happen next year.)
Burgers, Drinks and Salsa Music
“Hello baby girl how are you?” “Where’ve you been Kathryn? I’ve been trying to reach you all evening.” “Kathryn? I must be in trouble if you are using that name.”