Wacky Sex Toy of the Week: Mike's Spikes

Wacky Sex Toy of the Week is back again, loyal readers, and this week we’ve got a Sarlacc-esque surprise for you. Ready? Feast your eyes on ‘Mike’s Spikes’, a really, really well-made way for you to experience IRL that one nightmare your vengeful ex-girlfriend occasionally threatens to make reality. (Or, if you were the person who closed your eyes and wished last birthday for ‘kinda like a bear trap, but for my penis’, this may be your sweetest dream come true).

Mike’s Spikes is indeed what it sounds like . . . spikes. In this case, there are 28 of them, they’re both sharp and adjustable in length, and they’re set in a solid metal ring with a lock on it. Oh yeah, and it goes on your dick. So there’s that. Each and every spike is individually adjustable with an Allen wrench, allowing the user to determine exactly how much they want these puppies gnawing into their flesh, and they can even be totally removed if desired. The sharp spikes can also be switched out for blunt ones, but where’s the fun in that? You bought your pointy-ass penis fly trap ---- own it!

Doesn't look much more comforting open, does it?

Nor is it a mere one-dimensional toy. In fact, Mike’s Spikes presents itself as a toy of threefold uses. Namely, a cock ring, a chastity device, or a ball stretcher. Its usage in the latter way is exactly what you’d think: clamp this multi-spiked horror to the tender skin of the family jewels and let ‘er schwing. Granted, my ball stretching knowledge is not vast, but this sounds like an excellent way to end up with a version of your grandpa’s balls that look like they’re been harried by a more-than-averagely vindictive Chihuahua. (And one with metal teeth, of course ---- like a nard-oriented Chihuahua version of the classic Bond villain Jaws. Brings a whole new meaning to ‘Thunderball’, doesn’t it?)

Of course, if you feel 28 teeth to the testes might make you yourself a little testy, there are two other available applications. First as a cock ring, which has to register somewhere between eerily realistic anime masks and overly-authentic Edward Scissorhands costumes on the ‘good Lord, I hope nobody has sex while wearing this’ scale. With this particular contraption, the primary reference to come to mind happens to be a sexual version of that infamous woodchipper scene from Fargo. And you know what should never come to mind when you’re preparing to dance the down-low tango? Yeah, that’s right . . . the woodchipper scene from Fargo. By the way, good luck getting that image out of your brain the next time you do the do. You can thank/curse me later.

The non-spiked side doesn't look all that soothing either, frankly.

This brings us to door number three, the chastity device. By far the most popular option, judging by the (glowing) buyer reviews, this doesn’t actually stop one attaining total turgidity. No, it just pricks your prick, as it were. Sometimes it draws blood. Yep. Blood. I’ll just wait for everyone to uncross their legs after that little nugget of info. Anyway, reviewers are actually pretty thrilled about the whole Iron Maiden feature of this thing ---- and you know what, why wouldn’t they be? Clearly, if you’re investing in a solid ring of dick spikes, you’re a person for whom ‘solid ring of dick spikes’ is more of a positive than a negative. All the more power to you, brave cock-quistadors. (For the rest of us, currently gingerly uncrossing our legs, we’ll maybe just stick with the gentler arts of toys that don’t run the risk of turning schlongs into sieves).

Kinda like a handcuff, but also, you know . . . not.

Anyway, yes, much like in the case of the Pogo Stick Dildo, the reviews for Mike’s Spikes are impressively positive. Users are delighted with it ---- or, as many post, at least their Dom(me) partners are ---- and happily recount tales of its effectiveness in delivering a solid dose of tallywacker torment. Some enjoy wearing it for longer periods, especially to work, where no doubt the knowledge that one is secretly recreating a tamer version of Lorena Bobbitt’s finest work inside the ol’ tighty whities distracts from any outward fucking-over being delivered by one’s boss.

By far the most leg-crossing review, however, comes from one gentleman who, having locked on Mike’s Spikes and subsequently become engorged, quickly realized that it was much too tight. He scrambled for the key . . . only to have it break off in the lock, leading him to frantically unscrew each piercing point with his Allen wrench. ‘It took some minutes,’ he recounts, during which his penis felt ‘like it was being drilled’. Yeah, seems like that would be an accurate description.

He goes on to give it five stars out of five and mention that he’ll certainly be wearing it again soon, though he does recommend that manufacturers look into an upgrade to the lock and key. On the one hand, argh, cripes, why would you do it again? On the other, it’s got to be a pretty superb product if customers clamor for more even after accidentally locking their baloney ponies within the figurative lion’s den. It all depends on your perspective. (And that of your disco stick, of course, assuming that it hasn’t entirely inverted by this point in the article).

Locked In

Do you, too, feel like buying a Mike’s Spikes to tame your pants python? If yes, you’re in luck, because it’s currently stocked in a number of stores around the web (and no doubt a few in person). One place you can find it is over on the UK site ÜberKinky, where it comes complete with the most pointy spikes. Go big or go home, right? Link to follow. And remember to stay tuned for the next Wacky Sex Toy Of The Week column ----- where we report on some of the strangest and most uncomfortable-looking sex toys the world has to offer. Stay weird, internet!

From the site: Simply sadistic, Mike’s Spikes is a cock and ball torture device legend! Twenty eight threaded spikes line the inside of this hinged metal ring, each one can be adjusted to dig in to your cock as little or as much as you desire. Mike’s Spikes makes a great cock ring, chastity device or ball stretcher. Simply place Mike’s Spikes on your penis and or balls, and have fun finding the perfect combination of depths for each stinging spike.

Mike's Spikes also makes an equally torturous and formidable yet compelling male chastity device. Once securely locked away in this Kali’s Teeth like device escape is impossible and painful to try!